Enough For Me
by Geordie234
Summary: Just a little look into the girls lives some years on. Pregnant Paily, some Haleb issues, broody Toby and reluctant Spencer and a little Ezria.
1. Chapter 1

**This is one of the first things I've ever really written. Thought I'd dabble in a bit of Paily, not sure where this is headed but I suppose we'll find out together!**

"I'm not pregnant." Emily sighed, throwing the used test into the bin with too much force. She sunk down onto the bed beside her wife of two years, resting her head on Paige's shoulder. Paige curled her arm around the dark haired girl and let out a shaky disappointed breath, this never got any easier to take.

"Maybe it's just too early…" The older girl tried, but this only inspired anger in her wife.

"It's not too early, Paige and you know it! Don't you know how much it hurts me to have to tell you that? How much it hurts to know I can't even do the one thing I'm supposed to do?" Tears spawned from Emily's dark eyes as Paige pulled her into a lasting hug, despite her outburst.

"We'll try again, Ems. Calm down, it's just not meant to be this time. When the time's right-" Again Emily cut her off short, launching herself out of the brunettes embrace.

"You keep fucking saying that! But I'm saying the times right now! I'm frustrated and tired." She paced before strong arms stopped her in her tracks.

"We'll try again next month, Em." Paige whispered with a reassuring smile as she wiped a tear from Emily's cheek. "Come on, we'll order take out, put a film on, have a little snuggle." Paige whispered suggestively, kissing Emily's neck gently.

"I'd rather just," Emily turned away, "I want to call Hanna." Paige nodded and told her wife she'd be downstairs if she needed anything.

Hanna picked up on the fifth ring. "Wow, hi. Jesus, sorry. Luca is doing my absolute head in. She's being such a little shit." Hanna complained breathlessly of her two-year-old daughter, who was currently ripping everything out of the lower kitchen cupboards. "Hold on, let me just put Tots TV on for her." Hanna said, sandwiching the phone between her cheek and shoulder. Emily shut her eyes and took a deep breath and tried not to release a fresh wave of tears. "Right, I'm all yours. She's quite content to watch TV after she's turned the house upside down. Christ, never have kids, Em." Emily could hear the sound of her friend opening the back door to her house, knowing full well she was sneaking outside to have a cigarette.

"Hanna you really shouldn't be smoking." Emily chastised. She hated when Hanna smoked, or when anyone smoked really. She heard the blonde inhale and exhale, calming down as the nicotine entered her system. "Caleb is going to kill you."

"What he doesn't know and all that. It's fine as long as I smoke outside away from Luca." She tried to rationalise her behaviour. What Emily didn't understand was how stressful having a child was; Hanna hadn't bargained on it being this taxing. But any child that was half her and half Caleb was bound to be a troublemaker. Hanna smiled at the thought before blowing out another vile plume of smoke. "Anyway, why'd you call?"

"It didn't work, I'm not pregnant." Emily said deadpan, gulping down the lump in her throat.

"Oh fuck, Em. I'm so sorry. Jesus. Talk about mouth open, foot placed firmly inside. Why didn't you say anything while I'm there talking shit?" Hanna sighed. "When did you find out?"

"About ten minutes ago."

"Where's Paige?" Hanna asked immediately. Not that she wasn't ok with her best friend calling with the sad news but she'd assumed she'd be with her wife.

"She's downstairs. Her continuous optimism is wearing me down. I don't know where she gets the energy. She's all 'We'll try again next month' and 'when the time's right'." Emily took a deep breath, feeling her eyes moisten again. "I just can't keep up with it, this hurts. I need her to just sit and wallow in pity with me, you know?"

"She's just trying to make you feel better, Em. She doesn't want to see you upset."

"I know that, but there really isn't any other emotion I could be expressing right now. I don't feel anything other than upset."

"No? You don't feel happy? Happy that you're even trying to have a child? Happy you have someone beside you who will support you through it all? Happy to have someone who loves you so eternally they'd let you get away with bloody murder? Oh and you've got Paige." Hanna joked, which made Emily laugh despite herself.

"I know, I'm being stupid. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though." Emily took a deep breath and snivelled.

"I'm so sorry, Em but I can hear the ending tune of Chester Chipmunk, so I've got to go before Luca decides to draw on the flipping walls again." Emily heard her friend shutting her back door and the noise of the TV fill the receiver.

"It's fine, really."

"We'll see you this week sometime?" The blonde suggested hurriedly. "Just the girls, no husbands or wives invited."

"That sounds brilliant."

"And we'll get absolutely shit faced. Good, I'll confirm details with the girls and get back to you. Love you lots." Before Emily could even reply the line was playing a dull baseline.

"How're you feeling?" Paige asked as Emily descended the stairs, eyes still red and puffy. "Do you want tea? I've got the kettle on. How's Hanna?" Emily's eyes widened at all the questions, something her wife was prone to doing when she was nervous. "Sorry." She apologised, turning into the kitchen, pulling two cups from the cupboard.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't take this out on you. It's not your fault." Emily conceded, approaching Paige who dropped two teabags into the cups. "It'll happen when it happens and it'll be the happiest moment of my life." Emily smiled, bottom lip still wobbling slightly. Knowing Emily would break into a fresh flood of tears if she touched her, Paige smiled knowingly and turned to fill the cups with boiling water. Taking a spoon from the draw Emily curled herself around Paige, laying her head against the other girls back, dropping the spoon into the cup, before curling her hands around Paige's waist. "Thank you. For putting up with me." Emily kissed her shoulder. "Thank you so much for everything." She continued.

"Oh, Emily, hush. You don't need to thank me for loving you. I'm doing nothing I haven't done since I first met you."

"Not really true, I distinctly remember one of us hating the other so vehemently they tried to drown them…" Emily teased, watching the blush spread up Paige's neck.

"Oi!" She spun round, "We agreed we'd never talk about that!" Paige rolled her eyes and looked away embarrassed.

"Oh. I was just thinking about how all that hatred could be transferred to another emotion. You know, just think how hot it would have been if we'd hate fucked around then." Emily smirked; Paige gave her a questioning look to which the dark haired girl only bit her lip.

"God I hate you so much, Emily Fields." Paige pushed her wife against the counter opposite.

"Hate me so much you've taken your name back?" Emily shook her head, moving hair from her face.

"That's not the only thing I'm taking back. If I'm not mistaken, that's my t-shirt." Paige pulled at it, raising a brow at the marginally taller girl. Paige then pulled at the waistband of Emily's tight jeans and peered down. "And those would be my panties. So I guess I'll take those back too." She smirked.

"When is that effective, because it's slightly inconvenient right now, Mrs. McCullers."

"It's effective right now." She whispered harshly, yanking the t-shirt over Emily's head and onto the floor where it lay forgotten.

"Paige the curtains-"

"Shut up." Paige ordered before her lips met fiercely with Emily's.

**This is literally the first thing I've written in third person and I feel like I'm stumbling about in the dark with it! I think I'm going to take this story into the lives of all four girls, explore where they are, what they're doing, rather than focus solely on Paily. I hope that wasn't too horrible to endure. Leave a review and tell me what you thought! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, guys! Thanks so much for your reviews, all of which were lovely! I'd not expected anyone to read this never mind to comment! Anyway, so I've taken things a little, er, off the rails shall we say, in this chapter. I hope it doesn't offend anyone or anything of the sort! **

"I don't think I'm ok with this." Emily narrowed her eyes at her protective wife. "What? I've seen Hanna drunk. I've seen _you_ drunk. Neither of those things fill me with confidence." Emily laughed a light, tinkling laugh that floated into Paige's ears and made her heart flutter like it always did.

"Spencer and Aria are going to be there too, they'll look after us."

"I know, it's the fact that they'll have to look after you that frightens me!" Paige ran a hand through her hair exasperatedly. "And I think you need to change." She gave Emily a look before staring intently at the opposite wall.

"Don't you like my dress?" Emily asked, teasing, knowing exactly what she was doing. She smoothed out an invisible crease in the tight maroon number.

"I fucking love it." Paige groaned. "Which is exactly why you need to change into something that doesn't stick to you or is suggestive in anyway." She swallowed.

"Paige?" When she doesn't reply Emily grabs her face and turns it to look at her, "Do you trust me?"

"Of course I do. It's everyone else I don't trust." Emily scoffed.

"It's you I'll be slobbering on tonight when I come home drunk." The dark haired girl confirmed, kissing her wife tenderly.

"Be careful." Paige warns as a taxi horn can be heard outside. "Are you sure you don't want me to drive you? I'll come get you guys from town when you're done too."

"Paige." Emily says in warning.

"Fine. Ok. Go." Paige sighs, shaking her head, laughing as her 25 year old wife raced out the house like a teenage girl, to a taxi that was waiting to take her to Hanna's house where she was meeting the other girls.

"God, you look amazing!" Spencer ogled when she opened Hanna's door to her best friend. Emily entered and did a twirl.

"Thanks. Paige thinks it was too much."

"Wow." Emily looked up to see Caleb standing in front of her. "Emily, you look beautiful." He kissed her cheek and pulled away with a sad smile, "I'm sorry, Hanna told me your news."

Emily gave a shrug, acting nonchalant, "It'll happen when it happens." She nodded, "Now, is someone going to get me a drink?" She asked, wanting to change the topic swiftly.

"Come on, Hanna will be down shortly, you know what she's like."

"Typical Han." Emily rolled her eyes and let Spencer guide her into the kitchen.

"Aria said she wouldn't be long." Spencer checked the large ostentatious wall clock behind her head. "Vodka?" She asked. Emily smiled at her friend who without waiting for an answer was already pouring the clear liquid into a glass and topping it up with orange juice. "How're you doing?" Spencer decided to bite the bullet. Emily had told her the news earlier in the week over coffee.

A few seconds passed in silence as Emily took a long drink, "I'm ok. It's just a case of trying again and hoping for the best."

"God, Em. I don't even know what to say to you." Spence shook her head, sipping her wine. Completely at a loss for words at how to comfort her friend.

"That's ok." Emily smiled, she hated that it made everyone awkward. "Shots?" She quirked a perfectly arched brow which was met by a stringent look from her best friend.

"One." Spencer warned, pointing an accusing finger at the girl before her who was now holding her hands up in surrender. The air filled with the light fragrance of some haughty, undoubtedly expensive, sweet perfume as Hanna pushed her way into the large kitchen, already stumbling. She gushed at Emily, complimented her dress and set down an empty glass on the counter before turning to Spencer.

"You two weren't going to do shots without me now, were you?" Her light eyes flashed to Emily, narrowed questioningly.

"Honestly Han, it's like you heard them calling you." Emily chuckled, taking the shot glass Spencer handed her.

"Guys! You did shots without me?" Aria frowned five minutes later when she finally arrived, kissing the girls on the cheek, lingering longer on Emily as she squeezed her hand.

"You're playing catch up now, Aria." Hanna joked, at which Spencer rolled her eyes.

"Where are the husbands at tonight then?" Emily asked.

"Toby is looking after Spud." Spencer wasn't ready for kids yet, so she had pacified her husband with a Labrador instead. "I think he's starting to realise a dog might be a nice gentle build up before we even consider children." Spencer exhaled, frightened at even the thought of having a child yet.

"Ezra is going out with a couple of his friends from work. I've told him he can't get too shit faced because I'm expecting him to look after me tomorrow when I'm dying." The girls laughed.

"Mummy," A small voice was heard as the door opened slightly. The door opened fully as Caleb lifted up his daughter and greeted the four girls with a wide smile.

"Is it time for bed, princess?" Hanna asked her petite daughter in a sickly sweet voice. "I think it might be, but if you're a good girl daddy might read you a story." Hanna tapped the little girl's nose.

"Oh I don't know about that. Little Lucinda's a little trouble maker aren't you?" He tickled his blonde daughter's sides as the girls watched on with differing expressions on their faces. Aria's of complete happiness at the heart-melting scene in front of her, she was so happy for her friend. Spencer's was more a certain degree of unease as she watched the sickeningly sweet display, while Emily felt only love and jealousy. What she wanted more than anything in the world came so easily to her flighty best friend. But she was sure that soon enough, and although she hated to admit, when the time was right she'd be just as content.

Caleb twisted so his daughter was no longer between him and his girlfriend. "Have a good night." He attempted to kiss her but was warned about lipstick and simply placed a kiss on her forehead instead. "I love you." He pulled her into his side where she stayed for a moment, smoothing down the white hair atop her daughters head. "I love you two more than all the stars in the sky." Hanna whispered animatedly to the pair. "Are you going to give kisses?" She asked her daughter. In turn each girl received a vaguely sloppy kiss and a cute mumble of "night," from the little girl in Caleb's arms.

"How did the pair of you produce something so, God I hate to be admitting this but, cute?" Spencer pulled her face into a semi-grimace. It was a sort of running joke now between the girls how much Spencer disliked the idea of children.

"Hanna, quickly, turn the AC on, the ice queen is melting!" Aria stated, faking alarm.

"Oh shut up. I can admit that Luca is cute, doesn't mean I'm getting broody." Spencer rolled her eyes and finished her wine.

It was early into the night and Emily was already missing her wife. The two weren't used to being apart and it felt strange to be without her. Not that she wasn't having a good time with the girls, but Emily began to feel she should have at least invited Paige, who was after all considered more one of the girls than one of the guys.

"I feel guilty I didn't invite Paige." Emily voiced her concerns over the pounding music.

"There's a valid reason for that!" Spencer laughed, sharing an amused look with Aria, which evoked a confused look from Emily, but before she could even ask, Hanna had already answered her question in true Hanna fashion.

"Because you two can't keep your hands off each other. You, Emily McCullers," Han explained tapping her friend with her pointer finger, "are a horny drunk and it is not enjoyable to witness." Hanna handed the girls more drinks, which she seemed to procure from thin air. Emily accepted gratefully, happy to have something to draw the attention from her burning cheeks. The more sensible girls had already chastised the blonde for providing drink after drink but she didn't listen. This is the way it always went, Emily just got carried away, usually literally because the amount of alcohol she ingested resulted in her being absolutely legless.

"We're going to the bathroom." Hanna announced suddenly, grabbing Emily's arm and dragging the raven-haired girl through the crowd leaving Spencer and Aria behind sporting confused expressions.

"I don't need to pee." Emily complained drunkenly, checking her phone to see if Paige had messaged her. Staring at her phone for a good twenty seconds before it comes into focus and she was able to see anything on the screen at all.

"Come on." Hanna pulls Emily into an empty stall without her consent and opens her clutch, pulling out a small bag of white powder as Emily locks the door. Hanna looks up to her friend with a look of slight apprehension on her face. Hanna knows this is so very wrong; she's a _mother _for Christ sake. But she's out and she can't help it, she's still young, she's allowed to still have a good time.

"Han," Emily looks conflicted, shaking her head. It would be hypocritical of her to reprimand Hanna for this given how many times this has happened in the past, and Hanna wasn't always the instigator.

"Don't give me that look. Christ, Em." Hanna slurs, "It's not as if this is a regular thing! We're out." Hanna looks away; grabbing a house key from her purse she opens the bag and pushes the key inside, shaking the bag gently so the fine white powder falls into the groves of the key.

_I love you, so much. _Emily takes a minute to send a message to her wife, who she knows will already be in bed. "You done?" Emily asks her friend, shaking her head slightly, the buzz dying after Hanna's sudden and serious outburst.

"You want?" The blonde sways, holding the bag out to her friend, wiping her nose. "Come on, Em. I know you're trying to pretend you're not hurting. Maybe for a while you won't have to pretend." Hanna persuades her friend and both of the girls know it's coming from the best of places.

"Jesus, Hanna. Only a little bit. Paige always knows." She brushed dark hair behind her ears, blocks one nostril, inhales and follows the line of the key.

"Come here," Hanna places her gentle hands on either side of Emily's face, steadying her; she wipes the excess powder from the girls nose. Emily inhales sharply and deeply once more, feeling the vile tasting powder trickle down her throat. "They're so going to know." Hanna begins to chuckle and Emily follows suite. Because they're still young and it's still acceptable for them to act like this. "Just like old times." Light eyes meet dark as Hanna's thumb begins to stroke her best friend cheek gently.

"Yeah, before you got yourself knocked up!" The girls laughed, but Hanna's doesn't quite meet her eyes.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Hanna asks, turning from her friend, hand on the lock.

"Of course it is."

"As long as you're sure." Hanna smiles, grabbing Emily's hand and pulling her from the gross nightclub bathroom.

"You know, Aria. I'd say it's peculiar that our friends both went to the bathroom and have both returned with a sudden case of the sniffles." Spencer gave the giggling girls a knowing look.

"Hush now, Spenny." Emily slurs, dragging her pointer finger over the skinny girl's lips. Spencer leans in towards Emily and asks if she's ok, so sincerely that Emily feels obliged to tell her the truth, she shrugs, "I'll be fine."

"You can come over next week, we'll have a chat." Spencer smiles, knowing that her friend wont remember making plans with her the next morning.

"Are you going to lie me on your couch, Spence?" Emily asks suggestively. "I love it when you talk psychological to me." Spencer laughs at her friend before whispering something to Aria and walking off towards the bar.

"Whoa there," Aria laughs, holding Emily steady. "Are you having a good time?"

"You mean if I try not to think about the sweat that's dripping from the roof? I'm having the best time!" Emily hugs her petite friend, feeling overcome with every kind of emotion.

"Spencer's gone to get you some water." Aria shakes her head as Emily begins to fiddle with her phone. It's nice to have them all together, Aria has missed it, since Hanna had Luca, Spencer got promoted and Emily has been trying for a baby the four haven't really gotten together for quite a while. Definitely not in this way, the way they used to. This being the norm that Em and Han would get absolutely shit faced, they're a terrible pair, and she and Spence would end up looking after them although they never minded. They're sure they have more fun laughing at the other two than they would if they were in a similar state.

"I don't need water!" Emily moans overly dramatic, knowing the desired effect of the water. "I'm going to dance with Hanna!" She shouts, jamming her phone back into her bag before stalking off into the crowd towards her manic best friend who is dancing in the middle of the floor, centre of attention as always.

**Okkkk. So I know that took quite a turn, but I'm into writing stuff that's at least partly realistic. I hope no one was offended by that or thought it was so majorly bad or unnecessary. It is going to lead somewhere, I think. I've also been thinking and I think the story is mainly going to be Paily. (I'm still trying to get to grips with this style of writing! I'm contemplating changing to first person.) I hope you guys enjoyed, regardless x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok, so this one is in Emily's POV. Have a read and tell me what you think! I'm not sure if I'll keep going like this, or if I'll do the POV of the other characters or go back to third person. I don't know, guess it depends on what you guys think about it! Again, thank you for reading and leaving those lovely reviews! You're all too kind! Now, enjoy the chapter!**

I wake up groggy, the urge to vomit rising readily in my throat. I rub at my eyes and can only pray that I took my makeup off last night. I roll over in bed to cuddle into my beautiful wife. It's been two years and I still can't believe she's my _wife_. I'm not greeted by the warmth of her body though, just the empty expanse of her side of the bed. I sit up and check my surroundings for a hint of the night before, the majority of which is a complete blur. The movement makes my stomach roll and a fresh wave of nausea comes undulating over me. I ignore it, scanning the room until my eyes land on a folded note on my bedside table. I pick it up and attempt to read Paige's scrawl, something I've become practiced at over the years. 'Gone for a swim, I'll see you later x'. Now I know I did something wrong, there's an unassuming anger in Paige's note that makes me shudder. Knowing her like I do, I can tell she's pissed at me. Yesterday she'd agreed not to go swimming today because I'd have a hangover and she wanted to spend time with me. If that wasn't hint enough her pissy note certainly is. Even through college when she had to leave and knew I was hungover, she'd leave me a pint of water and two headache tablets. I spot my clutch at the other side of the room, in a pile along with my dress, shoes and underwear. I take a deep breath, channelling the sheer will power to drag myself over there. The whole concept of standing and being vertical doesn't sit well with my stomach however and I find myself instead on the bathroom floor, retching and emptying the contents of my stomach for a good five minutes. I wipe the cold sweat from my brow, rinse the sour taste from my mouth and drag my fragile body back to bed, collecting my bag on the way there. I take note that I'm in one of Paige's plaid shirts and a pair of boy short pants. I know this is Paige's doing, I can't imagine I'd have been in any state to undress and then dress myself last night.

I pull out my phone and sigh at the sorry sight that it's in. The screen is sporting a plethora of cracks. I click the lock and see a now distorted picture of Paige and I appear, thank God it still works. I unlock it and find a text from Aria from three thirty asking if I was home safe, another from Spencer at four asking the same. Both of which I've replied to with a picture of myself and Han in some unspecified location. This still doesn't really jog my memory but I catch a glimpse of a speck of white lingering on my septum.

_Oh God._

I open my clutch wider, dig my hand inside and find an almost empty bag of coke. I sit for a moment with me head in my hands, contemplating my life choices, which admittedly right now seem beyond shit. I sigh and drop it back in my bag; I open my messages with Paige. They do nothing to make me feel better. They begin innocent enough, me telling her I love her, they get a little dirty after that when I attempt to describe in detail what I'd like to do to her. I've no doubt that would have been seriously hot had there not been several spelling mistakes and a few cases in which autocorrect has changed a word so much that the sentence is illegible.

But things get worse after that. Which is surprising because that's already suitably embarrassing. I then proceed to apologise profusely for what I'm doing, although I don't tell her what that is until a few texts later. The last thing I sent was the photo of Han and I and a text telling her how much I loved her and how much I can't wait to start a family with her. At least, that's the gist, it takes a little bit of deciphering, but that's what I meant. All of these go unanswered but at the bottom I see that at half 8 this morning Paige has read them, which would explain her absence. I check the clock and see that it's twenty to eleven. I pick her note back up and check the time on it. Noting the time you wrote the note is something we started doing in college and it just sort of continued. She wrote the note at ten to nine. I pull all the information together and decide that she read my messages and decided she'd go swimming straight after to avoid me and probably burn off some of the anger she's experiencing. I assume she should be back soon, but that all depends on how angry she is. Just as I'm thinking this however I hear the front door being unlocked. About a minute or so later she opens the door, hair damp and hanging long down her back in gentle natural waves. She looks at me with a look that's of pure disappointment; she shakes her head and looks away, throwing her bag onto the floor. I state at her with puppy dog eyes, my hair is messy, last nights curls now separated and limp, Paige like's my hair like this best, usually because she's caused it. I pray to every deity above that she's reminded of that and that she thinks I look so sexy she forgets everything.

"Don't even look at me right now, Emily." She gives me a look of warning that says she isn't joking. I look away immediately, heart beating erratically in my chest, it takes a lot to get Paige angry, but doing drugs is one of the things that sets her off most.

"Baby," I try, not even knowing how I'd have continued if she'd let me.

"Don't you fucking dare, 'baby' me." She grabs a clean towel from the closet and lets out an exasperated sound, spinning round and throwing it on the ground. "Like, are you fucking serious?" I don't know if this is rhetorical, so I stay quiet just in case, "I could say you know how that makes me feel." She scoffs a little, a laugh that isn't quite a laugh, "But it isn't even the fact that you could have _died _that's made me mad. It's that we're trying to start a family and this is how you're acting." She shakes her head, picking her towel back up while I sit there stunned. "Just makes me wonder if this is what you really want, given the first chance you've got you're out snorting coke with your stupid friends."

"Hey!" I interrupt; this has nothing to do with anyone but her and me. "Don't you dare drag anyone else into this argument, Paige." I caution, now just as angry. I'm even less argumentative than Paige, but she knows that my friends are one thing I'll get myself worked up over.

"I knew this would happen. I knew you going out with Hanna was a bad idea."

"This wasn't Hanna," I give her a smug smile, although it's a lie, "I don't know how you can stand there and blame her. You knew what I was like when we met. You've seen me buy coke alone, where Hanna hasn't been involved. You've watched me encourage her!" I shout, feeling guilty. Hanna and I just influence each other. We're the best and worst things for each other. We stare at each other for a moment, but I refuse to back down this time, not over this. Paige finally looks away, takes a deep breath and swallows a comment.

"I'm going to take a shower." She says, walking into the bathroom and turning on the shower. I hear the lock turn, something we never do. I roll my eyes at her attitude. I understand where she's coming from but why can't she see how hurt I am? Knowing that every time I tell her no, that my body has rejected everything we want so much, I'm killing her a little bit. Like chipping away at paint.

I still feel icky and gross, but admittedly less nauseous, so I tie up my messy hair, grab a coin from my purse and stick it into the groove of the lock on my side of the door, unlocking it. I open it and strip down, pull back the shower curtain and join Paige in the shower. She's got the water on so hot the room is already filled with steam. She knows I'm there but she makes no noise and doesn't even turn around. She jerks at the feel of my cold hands as they snake their way around her waist, I rest my chin on her shoulder.

"Baby," I murmur, kissing her shoulder, testing.

"Em, please." She sighs; she doesn't want to do this. Doesn't want to have another argument, doesn't want to talk about our problems. Typical Paige, she's more than happy to simply brush our problems under the rug for the sake of ease and appearances.

"Just let me explain," I whisper, drawing lazy patterns against her soft, hot skin. She doesn't interrupt so I continue, "It hurts me. It _kills _me, knowing I can't give you what you want. Knowing how much I'm hurting you when I have to tell you, over and over that I'm not…" I swallow, finding it difficult to say, "that we're not," I try again, but the words are stuck. "That it hasn't worked, again." I take in a deep and shaky breath. "This slip, just once. Please, Paige, you need to understand how tiring it is, how heavy that feels to have that resting on my shoulders."

"Emily, it's not your fault." She finally whispers, I can hear the tears in her voice, her hand comes up to intertwine with mine.

"It is. In so many ways, this is my fault. It's my body that's saying no, my heart that's saying yes. I just wanted to not pretend for a while. To be actually free, for just a little while, to not feel so… barren." I realise that at some point I'd started to cry too. There's silence for a while and I realise that Paige wants to say something, but she takes a moment to collect herself.

"I'm sorry. I can't help you, that I can't do anything. That I just want you to be safe," The last one stings, "That I don't want to wake up to the police knocking on the door, telling me you're dead." She states plainly, "That you've overdosed. That the coke you've sniffed was cut with something worse. That I'll never know what your last words were, that I'll never be able to tell you I love you just one last time." She's full on sobbing now. I let my hand leave her body and turn the heat down, knowing Paige, she's trying to burn herself to forget. Her words have hurt me, as selfish as it sounds, it hasn't effected me enough to never do it again. I'm sure this is mutual. I'm still young. I know Paige understands, she just prefers when she's there to tell me no, to make sure I stop to make sure I don't go too far.

"I'm sorry. I love you." I whisper, struggling with the lump in my throat. She finally turns around and kisses me, her hands link behind my neck.

"You're so fucking stupid." She laughs through tears, resting her head against my chest. "Jesus, Emily." I pull back to look at her, giving her puppy eyes, trying to get a sense for how much anger still remains. She looks up and kisses me again, biting my lip, too hard to suggest she's just being playful. I pull back and she gives me a stern look. "Don't think I've forgiven you, Mrs. McCullers." She turns away from me again and continues to wash herself with her sweet smelling body wash. "And you've got sick in your hair." She comments absently, "So you'll want to wash that." She shoves a bottle of shampoo into my chest before she steps out of the shower, wraps the towel round her body and leaves without looking back.

"Paige is pissed." I tell Aria on the phone later. "She seriously was not happy."

"You sound surprised." Aria laughs.

"I can't imagine anyone ever being mad at me!" I joke, feigning shock. "Also, do you have any idea what happened to A) my phone, because it's having serious beauty issues and B) my bank card, because I can't find that either." I sigh.

Aria laughs again at my misfortune and I hear her telling Ezra what she's laughing at.

"No, I think Spencer tried to take it off you at some point but I'm not sure if she succeeded or not."

"Brilliant. Well I need to call her before I have to tell Paige I've lost that, putting her in an even worse mood."

"Good luck." She laughs at me, I throw some choice swear words her way before we disconnect and I call Spencer. I ask her the same, she's a little more helpful although still keen to laugh at me; she tells me I dropped my phone outside, trying to take a photo of a cat. Unfortunately she doesn't have my bankcard either, but tells me to ask Hanna seen as she was the last person I was with.

"I forgot how difficult it was to tell you no." Spence says, regarding her trying to take my card off me so I couldn't spend anymore. Han's mobile goes straight to voicemail so I call her landline instead and am greeted by a stressed Caleb.

"Hanna's actually busy having the worlds biggest pity party right now." I can tell he's smug.

"Well I hate to interrupt but can you ask her if she has my bank card, please. I seem to have misplaced it." I say holding my head as it begins to pound.

I can hear them talking and Han moaning, Caleb laughing mirthlessly at his girlfriend who's probably in an even worse state than I am.

"Check my bag." I hear my best friend grumble. Then a silence ensues which has me checking the line, calling Caleb's name to see if he's still on the line. Then all hell breaks loose.

"Hanna," All joking is gone from Caleb's voice. "You're fucking sniffing again?" Oh God. Looks like Paige isn't the only one who's overly protective. "What if Luca had found this? Fuck, Han." She says nothing, "Yeah, your bank cards here." He says, sounding annoyed at me too.

"I'm sorry, Caleb." I feel the need to say. "That was all me. God, I was just in such a state after everything, you know?" I bend the truth a little.

"Em," He sighs. He begins to say something else but a small voice begins to talk but I can't hear what it says. "No, mummy is feeling a little sick, how about we go to the park? Yeah? Go get your coat on then." He says excitedly, obviously talking to Luca. "I've got to go, Em. Feel free to drop by whenever to pick up your card and your coke. I'm sure Han won't be leaving the house."

"Just get rid of it, Caleb, please. Paige has already got me in the dog house."

"Well I'd hope the pair of you would learn a lesson one of these days." He says angrily before hanging up.

"Are you making pie?" I ask, flopping down onto the sofa beside Paige, I drop my head into her lap. "I think I could eat now." My nausea has passed and I feel like I could eat for hours. And Paige's pies are heaven sent. There's a potential euphemism in there that I don't have the energy to explore right now.

"You know I'm still very, _very_ angry with you, don't you?" She continues staring blankly at the TV. God she's beautiful, even more so when she's angry.

"But you love me." I sit up and adjust myself so I'm straddling her. "And I can do this." I smirk, kissing her neck, knowing just where to apply pressure to make her crumble like pastry. After a few minutes I realise Paige isn't reacting so I pull back, push my dark waves behind my ear and look at her face, her lips are set in a tight line, she isn't amused. She raises her brows at me and I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"You're so pissed we aren't even going to have angry sex?" I pout, beyond disappointed.

"Oh, Emily, you're not getting sex for _so _long." She gives me a saddened smile and pats my thighs, motioning for me to move. "What kind of pie do you want?"

I lie back down and smile over at her, "Whatever kind you can. Love you." I tag on the end, pulling the sofa throw over myself and snuggling down into the soft sofa cushions.


	4. Chapter 4

**Blerrgghhh. I don't know how I feel about this. I like writing Hanna and Luca though, they're so cute :-) **

According to Hanna, you can never have enough cushions, even if they are purely decorative. I find myself arranging cushions on Hanna's couch attempting to make room to actually sit down at stupid o'clock the following Friday morning. The blonde breezes into the spacious, crisp living room with two cups. How her house is this clean when she has a two year old is completely beyond me. When I ask this she waves her hand imperviously and scoffs, "This is the grown up living room, obviously." She says, like I should have known she has two, one that Luca is allowed in and one she strictly isn't. Hanna says this keeps her sane, so that when Luca has gone to bed she and Caleb can sit here and not have to clean up a ridiculous amount of mess or have toys squawking at them from unknown places. Unfortunately Paige and I don't have another room to use so I guess we'll just have to deal with the noise and mess. When I laugh and tell Hanna this she gives me such a sympathetic look that I think she might begin to cry for her poor peasant best friend.

"How're things with Caleb?" I ask cautiously.

She rolls her light eyes and makes a troll like groan, "They're ok, I guess."

"You guess?" I raise a brow, lifting the bowl of coffee to my lips, contemplating how long it will actually take me to drink.

"I mean we talk. But we haven't _you know _in a while." She seems to think about this a little more, "He hasn't actually kissed me properly since like last week." She seems to realise.

"Is he still in a mood about it? Paige is." I say, hoping to put her at ease.

"We haven't really spoken about it." She shrugs, "Do you mind if we go outside? I want a ciggy before she wakes up." Hanna tips her head towards the French doors in the room, leading onto a small balcony.

"Really, Han? No wonder he hasn't kissed you. He can probably smell it on you from a mile off. Even worse than that, he'll know you're lying to him about it."

"Well if he does then he should probably say something." She comments, unlocking the door. What Hanna classes the 'small' balcony is a balcony nonetheless and to me isn't what I'd class as small. She pulls out a cigarette and holds out the pack to me, I shake my head. I'm tempted, but I think of Paige and decline comfortably. "I'm going to try to stop." She says, watching the smoke she's just exhaled spiral and then disappear in front of her. I can see she visibly relaxes, her muscles become less tense. "It's just so stressful with Luca and Caleb working a lot and all this going on with him." She sighs like she's got the world on her shoulders.

"You know the other night." I say, "Was that the first time you'd sniffed in a while?" I ask, feeling I already know the answer. She seems to take a minute, taking a few deep drags before she finally turns to look at me.

"No," She lets out a little sigh and scratches the side of her mouth, "don't get me wrong, Em, it's not a regular thing. But say there's a conference at work and I'm in there really late. Maybe I'll have a little to get through, you know?"

"Han," I sigh, not really sure how to broach this subject. "You know that's not ok, don't you?"

"Fucking hell, Emily. Of course I know it's not ok." She clucks her tongue at me.

"Just checking." I look away from her, admittedly feeling a little hurt.

"I'm sorry." She checks her expensive watch, "Do you want to go wake Luca? I don't like letting her nap for too long." I panic for a moment, I'm Luca's Godmother but I've never woken her before and I'm not sure what I'll do if she cries. I suppose it's something I'll have to get used to.

"Sure." I swallow and sneak into her pink princess bedroom. I don't know why I sneak when I'm going to wake her anyway.

"Lou," I whisper, lifting her gently, the 'c' never sat right with me, it was always too rough, "Hi, baby." I coo as her brilliant eyes begin to open. Her lip wobbles slightly, "Did you have a nice nap?" I ask, excitedly, resting her on my hip, brushing blonde hair from her face.

Her breathing becomes shallow and she lets out a whimper, "Mummy!" Is all I hear before she's making a whining noise in my ear, which soon erupts into full on bawling. I bounce her on my hip trying to sooth her, picking up her favourite toy and shaking it in front of her in a pathetic attempt to pacify her.

"Han," I panic, racing from the room, "She's crying. What?" I can only imagine the look on my face. Something close to pure horror, I imagine. She laughs at me and rolls her eyes.

"Kids cry, Em." She shakes her head. "She's just grouchy, just like her daddy, aren't you princess?" Hanna coos, her daughter calms immediately. I know Luca's reaction was perfectly normal, I'm not her mother and that's all she'd wanted, but I'm sure everyone who's ever held a baby that has cried has felt the same. That they just aren't meant to be a parent, that all children hate them; totally irrational. Luca stretches out her little arms towards her mum and I hand her over happily. She looks back at me a look of complete contempt etched onto her tiny pale features. "Don't look so frightened, Emily." Again Han laughs at me. "Is aunty Emily silly?" Han mocks, jiggling Luca on her hip. "She's so silly!" A giggle escapes Luca's mouth and she clutches Hanna tighter. I almost begin to cry at how sweet it is, how beautiful they both are. How the look on Hanna's face as she gazes at her daughter could light up a thousand rooms.

"I know I need to stop." Hanna says sadly, still smiling down at her daughter who is gazing straight into her mothers' eyes, playing with her necklace at the same time. When Hanna finally looks at me I see her eyes are flooded with tears and there's a realisation in them that wasn't there before. I see the change; see her take in her surroundings, this huge house, and the expensive furniture, the wood flooring flown in from around the globe. The dress she's wearing, the expensive cotton, the cashmere cardigan, diamonds on several fingers. I see her realise that none of it really matters, that all she wants in the whole world is the little bundle of light in her arms to be safe and happy and for Caleb to love them both eternally. She seems to see that she's hurting him, that she can't continue the way she's going.

"Do you think we should get you some help?" I ask, softly, placing a hand on her arm.

"No," She shakes her head, setting Luca on the ground, "I can do this. If I can give birth, I can plucking do this." She grins at me, and then rolls her eyes at the toddler currently pulling at the hem of her dress.

"And you'll talk to Caleb?" I raise a brow. Paige and I have had more than our fair share of issues and I doubt we'd still be together if we didn't talk them through. Usually because talking it through just got us both mad and well, we all know where that ends.

She clucks her tongue good-naturedly and pushes me a little, "Yes, I'll talk to him."

"Aunty Emy," A small voice says, drawing my attention, "Can we play princess?" She clutches at my legs and stares up at me. I check the clock on the wall, I'm fairly certain there's at least one in every room. I crouch down and pretend to think really hard about it, "I don't know…"

"Please!" She begs, and it sounds so much cuter than I can ever imagine anything sounding.

"Maybe just for a little while then," I smile before standing back up.

"Don't you need to leave?" Han questions, looking at the clock as a smirk finds its way onto her face.

"Oh shut up. How can I say no to that," I shrug, "Anyway, I get to be a princess, can't argue with that." Luca is undeniably the cutest thing I've ever seen. Maybe it's the thought of having a child of my own, but every time I see her I find something else about her that I love, something that I can't wait to experience with my own child.

"God, she's got you wrapped around her little finger, hasn't she?" I pout at Han, following Luca dutifully into the living room that she's allowed to play in. "You're going to be such a push over, your baby is going to want for nothing." Hanna rolls her eyes.

"What? Like you've ever said no to Luca?" I scoff. I know she's right, that Paige and I will spoil our child rotten. Secretly I know I'll be the strict one though, Paige will be the cool mom and I'm quite happy for it to be that way.

"Hey! That's Caleb, not me."

"You can't talk to her right now." A small voice interrupts, taking hold of my hand. "She's the princess." She pulls me over to her little table.

"I'm the princess." I smirk at Hanna. When she tries to argue her daughter tells her that she's not allowed to interrupt our play time and that it's best that she leave.

"Perhaps you should get snacks." Luca says after thinking on this for a moment. I hold in a laugh and nod at Hanna.

"You should get snacks, princesses need snacks." She looks between us, giving me a disbelieving look and shakes her head, running and hand through her hair, mumbling to herself as she leaves the room.

Today finds Paige still in a little bit of a mood after the events of the pervious week. Her mood has increased somewhat today though because we're going to the hospital again. A process that is so physically and mentally draining and as of current, entirely fruitless. I'm less hopeful than she is, I figure if I don't expect much I'll be less upset. Obviously that's just something I tell myself because I've yet to be less upset. "This time." Paige smiles at me genuinely, giving my hand a good squeeze when we stop at another set of lights. "Emily," She questions softly, when I gently pull my hand away, "Do you want to do this?" After seeing Han and Luca this morning I want this more than anything.

"Of course I do, you know I do." I give her a weak smile, studying her for a minute. Just taking in the sun shining through the window onto her perfect skin, the air blowing her hair steadily in just a way that irritates her enough to keep pushing it back, but not enough to shut the window.

"Good." She takes a deep breath, "Are you nervous?"

"A little." I reply just as my phone starts to cry out from the depths of my bag. I grab it, "Its Spencer," I say before I accept the call. "Hey,"

"Hi. How're you? Where are you? Are you busy?" All of this is out of her mouth before I've even registered that she's begun talking. I put together the pieces of her questions that were forced out in such a manner that is so unlike Spencer that I begin to panic.

"Spence. Calm down. Are you ok?" Paige looks over to me, questioningly and I simply shrug.

"Yeah, fine. I just, I need to see you." She pants, somewhat desperately.

"I'm kind of busy right now, Paige and I are just going to visit her parents." I reply feeling guilty for lying, but we'd decided not to tell anyone this time. I try not to let my imagination run away with me but it's difficult, Spencer Hastings-Cavanaugh is never anything but calm and collected and yet here she is, panicking.

"Oh. When will you be done? I need you, Em." She sounds like she's crying, I assume I'm wrong and push the thought from my mind.

"I can see you in about an hour and a half." I say, hoping that's all this will take.

"That's brilliant. I'm at home. Let yourself in." She says before we end the call.

I see Paige check her mirror and raise a brow, "Spence works on Friday's, doesn't she?" I nod, distractedly, wondering what could have my best friend so distressed. "Isn't Toby out of town this weekend on business?" Paige continues.

"Maybe. I hope she's ok." I whisper worriedly.

"She'll be fine." Paige grabs my hand again, and this time I don't pull away.

We go through the standard procedure at the hospital. We're told the success rate again and again, like we need to know, like the fact that I'm not already pregnant yet isn't evidence enough. They tell us again about the donor we've chosen, someone just like Paige. We've got a little time so we stop for coffee on our way home. Not that Paige lets me drink coffee; I'm strictly allowed tea. Paige seems to think that even that has too much caffeine in but she lets it slide. "I can't wait," She beams into her coffee. I shake my head and have to cut her off.

"Please, Paige. Don't do this. Don't get your hopes up."

"I can't help it, Emy." She says, still excited, which admittedly makes me smile and my heart skip a beat, but I can't imagine having to say no to that face again.

"I know." I smile. "You're going to be a brilliant mother."

"I feel like you'll be mummy and I'll be mammy." A sickeningly sweet smile graces her slim face and it makes my heart break at the prospect of what might be to come.

"I don't care what I am, as long as it's with you." I sigh, curling my hands over hers, which are curled around a cup. "Lets get take out tonight." I suggest, drawing lazy patterns on the backs of her hands. "I want to enjoy eating shit before you have me eating only organic veg and red meat." I can't help but imagine our potentially near future.

"Pizza?"

"Obviously." I raise a brow at her.

**What is up with Spencer? Lets take a moment to appreciate how cute Han and Luca are also! So that chapter was like almost bearable, I hope you guys found it ok. Leave me a review with your thoughts :-)**


	5. Chapter 5

The road is long and winding into Spencer's part of town, it's away from the large estate Paige and I live on. Obviously Spencer and Toby could afford somewhere larger, somewhere that isn't just detached, but a good walk from their neighbours' house. Where as Paige and I live in a semi-detached house that given our age is very good for us. But it's not the mansion I pull up in front of. The house is too big for just the two of them, I think. Obviously I'd never say so, Spencer and the other girls are all weary of flaunting their wealth in front of Paige and I. Neither of us mind though, I've been brought up with them, I know what they're like. I take a deep breath, thinking maybe we do need a bigger house. Thinking could we _afford _a bigger house. Should we have waited? Maybe we do need two living rooms. The crunch of gravel under my feet draws me back to reality though as I approach the steps leading to Spencer's house. I trot up them, again thinking of how toned my body is and how it's going to change. I'm excited, I tell myself.

I knock and open the door immediately after, alerting Spence of my presence rather than expecting her to open the door. A small brown Labrador trots over to me, barking severely. I kneel down to greet him, "Hello, handsome." I stroke his head and watch as not only his tail, but also his whole back end shakes with excitement. I stroke him until I hear the soft padding of bare feet on stone floor echo down the hall. Spud seems to stop a moment, look behind him then back to me sheepishly before trotting away, tail between his legs. I stand and realise why he's ran away. He's pissed all over the floor with the excitement. Brilliant.

"Hey," Spence greets me shakily. Before I can even reply she notices the puddle at my feet. "Fucking hell, that fucking dog. SPUD!" She screams and it's so unlike the girl I know that I'm frozen, I just stare at her. "He's always fucking pissing on the floor." She begins to sob openly, gesturing weakly to the puddle at my feet.

"It's fine, go on, sit down I'll clean this up and make tea. Do you want tea, coffee?" She doesn't answer. "Vodka? Gin? Whiskey?" I continue, panicked.

"Herbal." She hiccups, "Please." Before she scuttles away into the large living room off to the left. I try to take in the fact that I've just seen Spencer Hastings-Cavanaugh in sweat pants and a hoody at quarter past one on a Friday. Not a high collar nor pant suit in sight. I swallow hard before jogging to the kitchen (no wonder Spence is so fit, the house is so big it's a workout just getting from one room to another), putting on the kettle, mopping up dog piss and washing my hands before making us both a herbal tea. Paige would be proud, I think, sending her a quick text to let her know I've arrived safely and that I might be a while.

"Spence," I approach with caution like I'm dealing with a frightened animal that could potentially strike at any moment. I hand out the mug to her she takes it with a small smile, I settle into the plush sofa next to her, within seconds she's set her tea down and is snuggling into my side, sobbing not so gently. I take a deep steadying breath trying not to spill my scalding tea on either her, myself or the undoubtedly uber-expensive sofa. My eyes widen at the display, I understand that I'm the one the girls turn to with their problems because of my understanding and caring nature. But this has taken me by surprise, admittedly. I try to take it in my stride and carefully place my tea on the glass table before I curl my arms around my best friends skinny frame. I stroke her hair and make what I hope pass as soothing sounds, making no effort to get her to speak.

"How were Paige's parents?" She tries, but continues to cry. I assume she's trying to get her mind off whatever is bothering her, so I play along.

"They were fine. We had lunch at this beautiful little café up by their place." I ramble on and on, fabricating lie after lie until she cuts me off mid sentence, just as I'm joking about Paige getting jealous over a waiter who checked me out.

"I can't do this."

"What?" I ask as she sits up, takes a deep breath and pulls her hands through her hair. I haven't seen her like this since she was addicted to those concentration meds. "Is it Spud? I know a dog is a lot of hard work."

Spence scoffs and turns to me, rolling her eyes, "I'm pregnant." I splutter on the tea I finally get to take a sip of. My cough turns into me choking slightly at her revelation and she eyes me suspiciously.

"Sorry, that was just, _really _unexpected." I explain, still trying to piece this together, did I miss something here, or did she just say she's pregnant. It all feels very surreal.

"Yeah, you're fucking telling me." She gives me a bored look.

"What, when, how?" I boggle, completely perplexed.

"I know you don't bat for this team, Em, but I'm sure you still know _how_." Typical snarky Spence. I raise my brows at her tone and the fact she's changing the subject. "I don't know. Really. God, you know me, Em."

"When did you find out?"

"Yesterday."

"Have you told Toby?"

"God, no. I can't _tell_ him." She stares at me; aghast at the idea of telling her husband she's pregnant.

"I think you might have to, as horrible as that would be…"

"Emily, I know you don't really understand. But I don't want this. This isn't me, this isn't in my five year plan."

"Five? More like fifty." I roll my eyes; Spencer has her whole life planned.

"Whatever. It doesn't fit. I can't. I _won't_. I'm sorry I'm coming off as such a bitch, because obviously this isn't as easy for you, but you had a choice."

"You had a choice," I raise my brows at her again, to which she raises her brows back, challenging me.

"I'm on the pill, Emily. Christ, I even make him wear condoms."

"Anal," I comment.

"I fucking wish it had been, then I probably wouldn't be in this mess."

"Ouch." I grimace at her facetious aphorism, "I don't know how to help you," I confess after a minute.

"I want to get rid of it." She says deadpan. "Toby can't know. It'll ruin him."

"Spence," I shake my head, "You have to tell him. You're in this together, he'll understand."

"No, he won't. He'll get that look on his face. Like, imagine telling Paige you're pregnant but you don't want it. Wouldn't it be easier to not say, leave her in the dark?"

"That's different."

"Marginally. You're missing the point." I swallow down the lesbian joke that pushes its way up my throat.

"Maybe so, but I still think he has a right to know. He can't support you if he doesn't know what has happened. You build a relationship on trust, Spence, if he loves you like I know he does then he'll stand by you." I smile and take her hand, squeezing it. "He'll wait."

"And what if he doesn't? What then?" She seems scared, frightened more of losing him than anything else. I'd known for too many years now that Toby would be Spencer's undoing.

I don't know how to answer that; the potential breakdown of her marriage isn't something I can comment on. It's unlikely but you never know what goes on behind closed doors. I mean, you wouldn't expect him to wait around forever, how could he be truly happy if he wanted children and his wife didn't? I say none of this. It wouldn't be helpful, so I keep it to myself, hoping that I'm wrong.

"Oh, Spencer." I sigh, pulling her into a hug, feeling like I'm her mother. "Whatever you decide I'll support you. But think, what advice would you give if it weren't you in the situation? Given everything we've all been through, I think we've all learned the hard way not to tell lies."

"Technically I'd only be withholding information, which isn't really telling a lie…" She says coyly.

"I think this is a little more serious than not telling him you lost his favourite tie." This happened a few weeks previous wherein during one of her OCD clean outs Spencer had 'misplaced' a special tie Toby had inherited. So as opposed to telling him, she just never mentioned it and is hoping he never mentions it ever again.

"I have no idea what you're talking about…" She can't help the smile that tugs at her lips.

"Come on, we're going to get nuggets." I say, standing and pulling her up with me. She looks down at her outfit, "You're not changing. I don't have all day." I say, pulling her towards the door. My stomach tightens, a painful cramp taking over my body. I grimace slightly and hope Spencer doesn't notice, the last thing I need is her on my case. Obviously I'm not that lucky, because being Spencer she notices immediately.

"What's wrong?"

"PMT." I lie, giving her a hard stare, "Consider any snarky comment very carefully." I warn seriously, knowing the word 'lucky' will be bubbling up in her throat as I speak. She makes a gesture of zipping her lips and picks up her bag.

"When are you going to try again?" Spencer asks when we're in my car.

I swallow, given all the practice I've had, I'm still notoriously bad at lying, "We've decided to leave it for a while. Maybe it's a sign, you know?" Despite having started the conversation Spence doesn't reply. I glance at her and see her gazing stonily out the window, hand placed carefully over her abdomen. "Spence?" She shakes her head and turns to me, "Don't do what you think someone else wants, ok?" I can see her processing this, she scrunches up her face, removes her hand from her stomach. "I spent far too long trying to please everyone." I take a right. "But being a nice person didn't make me happier. Nice is different than good." She looks confused, which in turn confuses me.

"I would do anything for him." She takes a deep breath, "I know you'd do the same for Paige." I gulp hard and look away. "Are you sure you're ready for this, Emily?"

I don't answer her, unsure of myself. "I know _you're_ not ready Spence, it wouldn't be fair to anyone if you kept it just because Toby wants children." I push my dark hair behind my ear and look over to her, "Now, nuggets and milkshake?" I smile, leaving her no time to reply as I speak into the metal box outside my window, waiting for my order. 

I don't know for certain why, but when I get home I stop, my hand on the doorknob. But I can't turn it; I can't push my key into the lock and have Paige greet me affectionately, lovingly. So I turn and despite not wearing my running shoes I start to run. The houses all look the same, each one the twin of the one beside it, conjoined. I stop at the park that is located right in the middle of the estate, something that Paige loves, something that swayed her when we bought the house. It's always a prominent feature in the future she describes, the future of our children and us. Lazy Sunday afternoon walks to the park, pushing kids on swings, maybe a dog. I push open the wooden gate and sit myself down on one of the swings. I watch a father play with his son, I watch a woman push a pram, a couple walking a dog. I don't know how long I sit there watching, but I must have looked like such a fucking weirdo. After a while it occurs to me that I hadn't really stopped to think if this was what I wanted. It was all well and good to say yes, to go to the hospital, to see consultants to have a tube shoved into my privates. In all the excitement I hadn't really gave a thought to the end product. I try for a while to imagine myself as a mother, it's too difficult so I try again, easier this time, I try to imagine myself pregnant. I can't do it. A mental block pops up and all I see is black, nothing.

I remember having several conversations about having kids with Paige, I agreed eagerly. Maybe I'd wanted it so much because she did. I think back to what I said to Spencer and realise I should probably take my own advice. Suddenly I see why she's finding this so difficult, because truthfully I'd never voice my current thoughts to Paige. At least not in the midst of everything going on right now, maybe if it doesn't work, maybe then I'd suggest we wait.

"Hey, you." A familiar voice interrupts my thoughts. Paige sits down beside me and grabs my hand. "What're you doing here? I heard you pull up outside but you never came in."

"Oh." I sigh, "I just thought I'd take a walk, clear my head."

Paige looks at me, trying to figure me out. I know she'll see straight though me like she always does, so I let my hair fall, creating a barrier between us. "How's Spence?" She asks, eventually.

I take another deep breath, deciding whether to tell her what I know or not. I decide against it, "She's just having some issues with Toby." As Spencer said, it's not a lie is it? And anyway, this really isn't my secret to tell.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, fine. Little crampy, but fine." I brush her question off cavalierly.

"Maybe we should get you home then," She places her hand on my thigh and nestles her head into my neck.

"Paige," I move away. I'm definitely not in the mood for this right now. "Sorry, I'm just." I shrug, "Having a tube stuffed up my… well, it doesn't make me feel horny."

"Sorry," She apologises genuinely, "Well its only four so do you want to maybe have an early dinner?"

"Spencer and I got fast food." I say, feeling bad, like I should have eaten with her, after all I did suggest we get pizza, so she probably hasn't eaten.

"Right, of course." She rubs her hands together, "So, do you need to go visit any of your friends or are you mine for the rest of the day?" She asks, there's a hint of something like aggravation to her voice and I don't like it. I finally turn to look at her, giving her a look that insists she explain, "You've just been very… unavailable recently, Ems."

"Unavailable? I live with you." I furrow my brows at her. "I'm sorry I want to be supportive and visit my friends when they're having trouble." I scoff.

"Well don't you think we're having troubles of our own?"

"No." I shake my head, "Not really. This is completely normal, Paige, and as you've said, it'll happen when it happens." I stand, having had quite enough of her mood for now.

"Baby," She grabs my hand, "I'm sorry. I just want to spend some time with you, just us. No doctors appointments, or friend fiascos or fights getting in the way."

I sigh, "I'm sorry too. It's a lot to process, you know?"

"I know." She smiles, pulling me towards her and placing a chaste kiss to my lips before dragging me home.

"I can't believe we're watching this shit, again. Why am I married to you? Please feel free to remind me." Naturally we're watching PS. I Love You, at which Paige cries endlessly. On meeting Paige, no one assumes she'd enjoy the types of movies that she does, they're all gooey and romantic, or those silly teen rom-coms. This is one of my most favourite things about her though, to see her cry at all these stupid movies. I can't quite put my finger on it, but knowing that I'm one of the only people who know that makes me feel special, more in love.

"Shhh." She places her hand over my mouth, my head lying in her lap, staring up at her as she gazes at the TV, tears rolling down her face unashamedly. I sit myself up at which Paige makes a whimpering noise at my absence, too into the move to actually say anything though. "Making hot chocolate." I inform her, making my way into the kitchen. I set about making it, adding whipped cream and chocolate shavings too, something else that Paige loves. She barely even looks at me, when I place the cup in her hands.

"Thank you." She says, barely audible, before taking a sip. I look back over to her and see she's got whipped cream on her top lip, I smirk and lean in close, kissing the side of her mouth gently, drawing my tongue over the top of her lip. "Thanks." She whispers again, a little more attentively this time. She drags her now reddened eyes away from the TV to look at me. I take in all her features and wonder why she isn't the one that's giving half her DNA to our baby.

"You're so beautiful." I confess, leaning in to kiss her. "I'm so lucky." I shake my head and close my eyes, praying I don't wake up from this dream anytime soon. It is beyond me why she would stick with me, put up with all my shit, all my bad moods, my bad habits.

"So lucky, you get all of this." She sniffles shyly and looks away laughing. God I love her laugh.

"I fucking love you, Paige." I whisper softly, moving so I'm straddling her. Once I start to kiss her I can't seem to stop and thank God she doesn't either. There seems like no time at all between when we start kissing and when we're both almost completely naked and breathing heavily.

"Are you sure you're ok? After today? Do you think we should wait, I mean-"

"Paige," I stare at her hungrily, I've got no patience for her being protective and sweet right now, "I want you to fuck me." I growl at her and she moans, crumbling, pushing me down into the sofa, continuing to work her way down my body. Just as she reaches the top of my jeans the doorbell rings.

"Pizza." I pant, annoyed. "Is this some kind of sick joke?" Paige simply laughs at me, pulls her shirt over her head and skips over to the door, yanking down the front of her top as she goes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey, guys! Sorry it's been a while! This chapter is kind of blerghhh, whatever. **

I tell Paige I won't take a pregnancy test and she seems disheartened. But I don't want to risk it, or maybe I'm afraid. Maybe it's both. I appreciate that she's excited, but I'm so nervous to open this chapter of my life. I'm only twenty-five. I'm still so young. Why do I suddenly feel so old? I have a career, a beyond amazing wife and family and friends that I love, so why doesn't this feel like the perfect time? Why can't I seem to want this as much as Paige seems to? I take a deep breath and contemplate all of this. I don't have long to do so though as I'm told my next client is here. I work a smile onto my face and exit my office and make my way into the freshly painted waiting room. "Jennifer?" I ask, looking around to find who I'm looking for. A tall girl with short hair stands up and gives me a wide smile, I gesture to the door to my right. "How're you today?" I ask, shutting the door.

"I'm good, obviously aside from this," she tips her head towards her shoulder.

"Well let's see if we can have you leave in better condition." I throw down my clipboard and wash my hands, directing her to take a seat.

"How did you injure your shoulder, Jen?"

"I play tennis competitively, I've got a big tournament coming up so I guess I've just over worked it." I pull up my chair behind her and begin to massage my thumbs into her various muscles, feeling out for anything that isn't normal. It doesn't take me long, I've been doing this for a while and I've seen a lot of injuries. I can usually guess what's wrong from hearing what sport they play and where they're hurt.

"It seems like you might have torn your rotator cuff, based on what you've told me and the pain you're experiencing. I can't be certain right now, so we'll have to send you off for an ultrasound to check it out properly. I think it's unlikely that you'll need surgery, but I'm afraid if your tournament is anytime soon you might not be participating." I give her a sad smile.

Sports physiotherapy hadn't been what I'd wanted to pursue, but after my accident I'd never got back into swimming. Knowing I could never be a professional athlete I supposed helping those who are would be the next best thing. And it is, I do love it; just not as much as I imagine I would have loved to swim for a living.

"Em," Paige sighs when I answer her call, "I've got some bad news."

"Paige," I say, already beginning to worry.

"It's nothing big," She rushes, calming me, "I've just got to go out of town this weekend."

"What? All weekend? Where? Why?" I ask, more annoyed than I probably should be. It's not as if this isn't in the job description. Paige is a swimming coach, she has so go to meets and the like every now and then, but she usually tries to blow off the ones that are far away or don't really have any of her students in. That makes her sound shitty, but she doesn't really get a lot of time off and between our schedules, both of us working weekends too, it's not as if we get a lot of time together that doesn't involve us being too tired from work to even talk.

"I know, Ems, I'm sorry."

"Can't you change it? I took this weekend off." I moan. "We had plans, can't you tell them that?" We were meant to be spending the weekend at Spencer's cabin with Aria and Ezra.

"It's a really important meet and Suzie can't go anymore, which means I really have to go. Can't you take another weekend off?"

"It's not as if I get lots of holidays, Paige. I was kind of saving them for important things, like hospital dates." I say angrily, shaking my head. I'm sure she just says things like that to rile me.

There's a pause. "Emy…" Another pregnant pause, "Are you saying what I think you're saying? Are you…?"

I sigh, feeling I couldn't have said anything worse, "No." I huff out a frustrated breath, "I don't know." I correct, quickly, "Baby, that's not the point I was making. I was speaking hypothetically."

"It's in Washington."

"You're kidding." Maybe it's not forever away, but it's four hours, which is long enough to mean she'll be gone literally the whole weekend. "They can't make you do that, it's not fair."

"I don't have a choice, Em." I can practically see her rubbing her neck, she hates when I get like this, when work comes between us, like it usually does. "The girls need me to be there."

"We'll talk about it when we get home. Providing we see each other." I snip. Biting down the urge to tell her that _I _need her here.

"Emily," I disconnect before she can say anymore. We'd made plans, where are her priorities? I check the time before I force the rest of my lunch down my throat. I go to the bathroom and decide that on my way back I'll get a coffee, just to spite Paige, even though she won't know I've had one. Ok, she will know because she knows _everything _somehow.

I push open the bathroom door and head into the first stall, locking the door. The sight that greets me when I pull down my pants makes my heart drop. The ever so slight hint of my period sits in the seat of my underwear. I lay my head against the stall wall, trying to collect myself. How can this be happening, again? Why is this happening again? I decide right then that I won't tell my beautiful, hopeful, loving wife just yet.

It's after six when I pull into the drive and unsurprisingly, Paige isn't home yet. I take in the bag of groceries I'd picked up and place them on the counter, knocking on the kettle before I begin to put them away. I make herbal tea and take it upstairs, I had every intention of getting changed and starting dinner, but our not-so-neatly made bed looked just too inviting. I don't even bother to take my clothes off, I simply flop down onto it, legs on my side of the bed, head snuggled deep into Paige's pillow. I sink into the duck feather filled duvet and inhale her sweet scent and I'm positive I drift off within a minute. The next thing I'm consciously aware of is someone curled into my back, spooning me, whispering softly into my ear. I mewl unintelligible non-words at her, pushing my face further into the pillow. I hear her giggle far off, sleep already pulling me back under.

"Baby," She purrs in my ear, nibbling slightly on my lobe. I feel her hand run down my arm and rest over my hand, drawing lazy patterns on my skin. "Emy." She tries, kissing my neck now. I smile and roll over ever so slightly to greet her, my eyes still closed, a faint pout on my lips. She kisses me gently as my eyes flutter open to reveal the most beautiful sight. Her brown eyes shine down into my own, raking over my face, she's supporting herself on her elbow, using the other hand to push dark hair from my face. "Nice nap?"

I make a hum of confirmation and roll the rest of the way over, into her, causing her to fall backwards onto her back, leaving me resting on her chest. I intertwine our legs, wishing we could stay like this forever, just leave everything outside this little bubble. "How've you been today?" She strokes my arm soothingly, doing absolutely nothing to keep me awake.

"Busy. Sleepy now." I supply the minimum. "Why do you have to go away?" I whine like a child, knowing this has to be addressed eventually. I huff and stick out my lower lip.

"I wish I didn't have to go." She begins to stroke her feet up and down my legs.

"What time is it?"

"About half seven."

I huff again, "Why do you work so late?"

"You know why," She lowers her voice to almost a whisper, meeting my eye, her gentle touch making it's way to ghost over my stomach. It rests there a moment and I feel butterflies erupt, a tingling in my toes that spreads through my whole body. I can't do it. I can't tell her again. My breathing begins to get heavy and I worry she'll know I'm about to cry so instead I press myself against her and kiss her desperately, sloppily. It's not anything like how we usually kiss, ever, so she senses something's wrong immediately and pulls away.

"Emily," She lifts my chin, "Why are you crying?"

"I just don't want you to go." I curl into her chest, as Spence says, all I've really done is only told half the truth. "I feel like all we do it fight recently." I confess, because it does feel like that. A snide comment here, an argument there. It's gotten to be happening so often that I think we've stopped realising it's happening.

"This is just a difficult patch for us. We'll get through it." I believe her. I believe everything she says. She smiles, sitting up, bringing me with her, "Come on, we need to eat. I got tacos." My face brightens. "And three types of cheese. Maybe if you're lucky, I might have even bought ice cream too." I can't help grinning at her. This is why I believe her, this is why I know we'll stay together. Because Paige has this infallible ability to surprise me, because she's the most considerate person I know.

"Fuck me, I love you."

"Maybe you'll get that later too, but only if you're a very good girl." She whispers coquettishly, hands holding me tighter. I almost forget for a second and push her down into the bed, nipping at her neck. I swallow and sit up quickly already out the room before she can question my bizarre behaviour. There is no way I can avoid telling her before she goes away.

I praise every deity above because my period was light and short and it's Friday and Paige doesn't suspect a thing.

"I hope you'll be thinking of me when you're away." I tug on the sides of her zipper hoodie. "Thinking of how lonely I'll be in our big bed." I lean in closer to her, making one last ditch attempt to get her to stay. "With nothing, and _no one _to play with but myself." I nip at her ear and hear her groan.

"You don't need to try to convince me, Em. You know I'd stay if I could." She really does look so sorry and suddenly I feel horrible that she's doing this for a baby we're not even having. That I'm making her feel guilty about it.

"I know, I'm sorry." I shake my head, zipping up her hoodie and adjusting the hood. "Three days, I can do this." I say, mostly talking to myself.

"I love you." She smiles, kissing me gently, giving my lip a quick nip before pulling away.

"I love you more." I say, not letting go of her hand when she turns to the front door. Why is this suddenly so hard? Yes I'll be spending a whole weekend alone, with no work to occupy my time. But it's not as if this is a new thing, it's happened before and I'm under no impression that it won't happen again. I need to pull myself together; it's only three days. I can even convince myself it's less than that because it's Friday morning and I'll see her again on Sunday evening. So _really _it's only one day. Logic.

Ok. So that doesn't make me feel better. Nor does kissing Paige to within an inch of her life, but I do that too, don't I? A chuckle escapes her parted lips as I assault her neck; hopeful I've left a mark. "Come on, I really do have to go now. I'll see you on Sunday night." She cups my face and gives me a passionate final kiss before she's out the door, car rumbling to life, then nothing.  
I console myself with the thought of work today, which is in itself a dire thought.

I'd spoken to Aria earlier in the week and told her what had happened, she didn't seem particularly upset, she was understanding. I'd suggested a girls night in, but Spence had declined saying she and Toby were going out for a fancy meal. As if every meal they ate wasn't fancy enough. I battle with myself not to roll my eyes. Hanna had wanted to but ultimately Caleb had said no, reminding me sternly of the last girls night we had. I did inform him that this was different for a number of reasons, but he didn't buy it. He was only partially joking, but I sensed that the two were getting on better now. I hadn't spoken to Hanna about it, but who could blame me? I've had a lot on my plate recently. I make a mental note to talk to her over the weekend. Aria had said she'd come over for a while tonight though. She'd suggested she bring scary movies and I'd lapped up the idea. Paige hates scary movies, so we never watch them. I mean, God bless her she does try, just for me, but it always ends with her snuggled tight into my chest. I'd never admit it to her but I've secretly been making her watch scary movies for a while now just to have her tight against me, so for once I can protect her. That and of course she tries to _distract_ us so I'll turn the movie off and after a little teasing I let her succeed.

I'd put an early finish in at work, so I was home again by half three. The house is eerily quiet. A different quiet to when I come home and Paige isn't here. It's a deathly kind of quiet like the house knows Paige isn't coming home tonight, the floor creaks louder, the clocks tick slower. It verges on pathetic to think I can't even go a matter of hours without her, that the idea of being without her for a couple of days has got me vaguely paralytic. I try to pass some time by cleaning the entire house, I wash every surface, hoover every carpet, mop every floor, wash our clothes, change our bed and even begin to iron before I give in and flop down on the sofa. I sigh to myself, Aria and I were going to get take out, so I don't have to do any cooking and I don't feel like watching TV. I stare blankly at the TV unit for a little while before I spot the two photo albums that linger in one of the square shelves. A smile appears on my face automatically as I scamper over and grab them in my hands, bringing them back over to the sofa with me. I settle down with them, opening the black one first before moving on to the white one.

**So, I'm thinking the next chapter will be like some cute Paily flashbacks as Em is looking through the photo albums? Yay or nay for that? **


	7. Chapter 7

**This is kind of short, but I've written three flashback memory type chapters. I'd intended for them to be little snippets, but I got pretty carried away, so instead I've decided to split them into little chunklets, as opposed to one overwhelming, Paily feels chapter! Leave a review and I hope you enjoy!**

The film is crisp beneath my fingers, protecting the delicate pictures underneath. I can't fight the smile that appears on my face as I rake my eyes over every page. They begin when we're young and continue up until now. We have more albums scattered about, but these are the two we keep out to peek at when we need reminding of why, or maybe sometimes just how much we love each other. I take in a deep breath and begin.

_I won't let her give up on us. She isn't the only one who gets a say in this relationship. That isn't how this works. She can't really think that it's over. Not that I have the final say, but I won't accept it. I can't. And if this isn't everything I hope it will be, then at least I'll have closure. Admittedly I'll have travelled nine hours for closure and then have to travel home with extra baggage, figuratively speaking, but at least I'll know.  
I don't tell her I'm coming, I don't tell her I've planned for weeks. I don't confess to having chewed the inside of my cheek until it bled because I was so nervous. She told me her dorm number once and I never forgot. I simply show up and knock, like this is completely casual, normal even. A short tan girl answers the door, head cocked to the side, hand on hip, pout etched into her round face, "Look, I already told you-" She stops when she sees me standing there. "Oh,"_

"_Hi, I'm Emily." I smile. _

"_Oh, Paige's…" She sort of trails off here, I guess she's awkward; people usually are when they have to call me a girl's girlfriend. "Come in," She swings the door open. "She didn't mention anyone was coming. I'm Cori." _

_I don't say anything, simply shrug and set my bag down on what I assume is Paige's bed. I fight the urge to ask when she'll be back, knowing it'll sound strange. _

"_I have to go, I guess I'll see you later," She gives me an odd look before she's grabbing her bag and heading out the door. _

_I wait for forty-five minutes before I hear voices outside the door again, loud enough that I know they've stopped. I recognise her voice immediately. It rings in my ears, the sweetest sound I'll ever hear. _

"_Shut up, I don't have-" She stops stock still when she seems me there. Her hair is longer now, lighter too. I want to hold her and tell her that I miss her, that I've missed her. But the look that greets me tells me I shouldn't say those things just yet. _

"_Hi," The girl behind her says, popping a head over Paige's shoulder, she curls a hand around Paige's waist to push her aside, gently. My jaw tightens on reflex. "I'm Laura." She smiles and I force one back, letting my eyes flit to her for a second to see her dark hair is twisted into an intricate fishtail plait. She's very pretty. _

"_Emily," Paige swallows. "What're you doing here?" She turns to Laura, quickly, quietly warning, "You should go." A look of confusion crosses her face before Paige gently pushes her from the room with a smile and a nod. _

_The door shuts and a deafening silence ensues. "I don't know what to say."_

"_I'd expected a warmer welcome." I scoff. "Maybe I shouldn't have come." I don't ask who that was, because truthfully I'm frightened of the reply. She doesn't reply immediately, makes no attempt to quell my apprehension. _

"_No, I'm glad you're here, I just, I wasn't expecting you." She mutters eventually._

"_Well, I'd have been surprised if you had, seen as you've been ignoring me." I study my nails for a moment before I look up to her, only to find she's looking anywhere but at me. "I don't understand what happened, Paige." I say, losing my cool now, I stand and draw a shaking hand through my messy hair. _

"_I tried to make it easier." _

"_Make what easier? Leaving me? Moving on from me?" I push, jabbing her chest. "How could you do that? I love you and the last I heard you loved me too!" I push her until she's flat against the door. I'm so close I can smell her, but she doesn't smell the same. Different scents drift over me and I crinkle my nose, something she used to love, something I hope she still does. I stare into her eyes and suddenly I don't want to fight anymore, I want to fight for her, not with her. The flight and the travel suddenly catch up with me and I don't have the energy to do this. Only in an instant that energy is restored, when she whispers my name. When I watch her lips curl, I feel her soft, gentle hands graze my cheek and my waist._

"_Em," She doesn't need to say anymore, I don't give her the chance anyway; I push my lips against hers. She doesn't respond straight away but I continue regardless, I continue until she stops fighting with herself and lets me in. _

"_Tell me you want to try." I whisper, my head resting in the crook of her neck, our bodies a tangle of sweaty limbs. "Tell me we didn't just have break up sex, please Paige." I beg, because I need to know, even if she's telling me something I don't want to hear. "I need to know, I can't go on like this." I feel a tear roll down my face and suddenly everything I've been holding on to over the last few months comes tumbling out of my mouth. "I need you to tell me you want me. I need to know so that when I'm away from you I can believe in a future with us in it." I sit up, hunched forward, she follows and curls around my back, the feel of her skin on mine is enough for me. Enough for me to know she's all I want. _

"_You know I want all that, but it's difficult." _

"_How would you know if it's difficult when you made no effort to make this work? I can handle you saying you want to give up, Paige. I can understand, you're here and it's a fresh start. I'd understand." I say, clutching onto a tiny shred of hope that she doesn't want a fresh start, that she wants us. _

"_I'm sorry. I thought this is what you'd want. I want to make it work." She admits, although she sounds somewhat unconvinced. I feel like I'm forcing her into this. _

"_You can see other people, if you want. I just need to know that someday, when you're ready, that you'll come back." I say and it stings. I don't even know why I say it, because that's the last thing I want. The thought of her in someone else's arms makes me feel violent. If I say I'm happy if she says she is then I'd be lying. _

"_I don't want to see other people. But you're so far away."_

"_I'll visit." I perk up at the chance; I'd do anything. _

"_I can visit you too." She smiles. "I've missed you so much, Emy." She presses hot, wet kisses down my neck. A moan gets caught in my throat. "I didn't want to fool myself into thinking you'd want me. I'd gotten that lucky once, I didn't think I'd get another chance." _

_I turn in her arms and pin her to the bed, "I'm the lucky one, Paige." I say. I kiss her again and don't stop until my phone interrupts us, I reach for it and find a text from Hanna, and it's on the group message. _

'_How're things? Did you guys make up?'  
'She's a very stupid girl if she's let you go, Em.' Spencer pipes up. _

'_Guys, Emily already knows they'll get back together, the last car she saw was red, not blue!' Aria takes the piss out of me for being superstitious._

_I let Paige read the texts and she laughs, takes my phone from my hands, snaps a picture of us, my head nestled tight into her neck, checked flushed red, sporting a shit eating grin, her lips placed gently against my wild hair, a wide smile threatening to part her lips. She sends it to both the group message and herself. _

"_Thank God that car was red." She smirks at me, I roll my eyes, ignore the cacophony of noises my phone makes and push her back into the squeaky mattress. _


	8. Chapter 8

**So, here's the second flashback! Hope you enjoy!**

The next photo is from a few months after, a blurred picture of Paige and I in a heated embrace, the flash from the camera making Paige's pale skin appear incandescent. A sombrero is slipping off the back of my head, we're both wearing bright ponchos and Paige has on a fake moustache. I remember this night like it was yesterday for so many reasons.

_I am doing no more shots. This was what I had told myself after the first five. Of course I was lying to myself, of course I was lying to everyone around me. _

"_Laura, stop." Paige warns, giving her a look that verges on contempt. She's pushing another shot at me, knowing I'll take it simply because it's there. It's gone before Paige can even reach through the haze in her mind and take it from my greedy hands. _

"_Hey!" She shouts, grabbing my attention as my face contorts at the strong alcohol burning a trail down my throat. "No more, ok?" She warns, mostly because she wants me in a decent state when we get back. She'd already told me what she wanted to do to me when we got back, and that required me to be at least semi-functional, not unconscious, which I was well on the way to being if I continued at this rate. She rolls her eyes at me, shaking her head lightly, Paige is looking between Laura and I like we're the bane of her life. _

_I'd come to visit Paige for the weekend, I'd finished my finals and she'd had her last final three days ago and her last meet today, naturally she'd swam amazingly and won. We were celebrating and then were headed back home for summer. It was a lot to get used to, knowing that Paige was here, without me. I loved her wholeheartedly despite it, but she still found it difficult to act openly gay, especially here. I understand it's difficult and that college is a whole new world, that it might be difficult in a sense, to come out again. I thought Paige was over this though, I thought she was accepting of who she was, I thought she could be herself. Obviously I never said any of this, I never pushed for Paige to act like we were anything. I'd learned later that no one here knew. Cori hadn't even known when I'd come to visit; I was just a friend of Paige's that she'd spoken of often. I mean, she learned soon enough, being Paige's roommate and all, and had agreed to keep quiet. I'd tried to convince Paige that everyone else would act similarly; Cori really couldn't have cared less. Not in a bad way, in a way that kind of says 'this is useless information', like it hadn't changed her opinion at all, and it hadn't she still acts exactly the same. Cori is a perfect mix between Hanna and dare I say Mona. She pretty and smart, ditzy and vague but there's a dash of pure bitchiness in her that Hanna just doesn't have. We'd told Laura the last time I'd visited. This had quelled every fear I'd had about her. Laura was truthfully very beautiful, but she was straight, she'd befriended Paige almost immediately. My worry of her being overly touchy and comfortable around Paige was soon soothed when I realised she was that way with everyone she was friends with. Again, she'd taken Paige's coming out in her stride, she'd been upset that Paige hadn't told her sooner but confessed that she did expect it when my name was mentioned too frequently and commonly accompanied by a glazed look as Paige seemed to zone out. I'll admit my heart fluttered when Laura told me this, it had made Paige blush furiously. _

"_Spin the bottle!" I'm suddenly aware of someone shouting. I see Paige grimace from across from me. She hates this game, I mean, I don't know anyone who actually likes it. It's seedy as hell, even worse when your girlfriend is sat opposite you, kissing other girls and guys. My jaw clenches uncomfortably as I glare at the scene taking place right before me. It's not their fault, but Paige is kissing some guy and due to some stupid rule that my brain can't grasp right now, she's got to kiss him for longer. Laura places a hand on my arm and squeezes softly, making me tear my eyes away. "You can glare as much as you like, princess, he's not going to be bursting into flames anytime soon." She smirks a little, knowing how jealous this has got me. _

"_Em! Your turn!" I take a long drink, washing away the taste of the guy I've just kissed. To my sheer and utter delight the bottle spins and spins before it seems to stutter to a halt directly at Paige. _

_There's a lot of 'Oooo's' from the crowd, who I've gotten to know well from my visits. Paige rolls her eyes and shakes her head, but I spot the blush creeping up her neck to her cheeks. I stand, but drop my bag, crouching to pick up my things, knowing exactly what I'm doing. "Penalty! Pucker up McCullers, extra time for stalling!" One of the boys calls. I try to look annoyed and make some pathetic excuse about my bag, knowing it won't get me out of this. Paige on the other hand looks genuinely awkward, making honest excuses about us being friends and it being weird. Obviously all of this goes ignored. _

"_Hi," I mutter, smirking slightly. _

"_Emily," It's a warning, but I ignore it, grabbing her face and pulling her in close, ghosting my lips over hers at first, again knowing I'll get called up for cheating. Really I just want more time to tease her and she knows it too. I perch on her lap, brushing my fingers into her hair, shifting it from behind her ear to give us a little more privacy. She doesn't fight me at first, but when I start to suck on her lip and deepen the kiss with my tongue she pulls away immediately. She blushes violently and refuses to meet my eye. _

"_I want to fuck you so bad," I purr into her ear, low enough so she's the only one that will hear. She doesn't look at me for the rest of the night, predictably a grey cloud settles over the evening. Well, it does for her, I've drunk so much that I don't really notice her mood, or the bottle of vodka I've drank, or the shots that slip down my throat. _

_For lack of any eloquent way to phrase it, I am absolutely fucked. _

"_I need to pee." I moan. "Come with me, Paige." I pull her up and into the bathroom, thankful that it's completely normal for two girls to pee together. I lock the door and before she can object I've got her pinned to it. _

"_This really isn't fair, Em," She sighs as I trail kisses down her neck, stopping at just the right spot. _

_I scoff at her, "You're not fucking kidding." I suck lightly on her neck, pull back as she moans, "You know they wouldn't care." I try to persuade her, before latching back onto her neck drunkenly, usually I'd be very caring and supportive of Paige's decisions, but clearly I'm very selfish when I'm drunk, because right now all I can think of is how much I want her, how much I want to mark her smooth pale skin so that everyone knows she's mine. _

"_Em," She moans, "You need to stop, you're going to leave a mark!" She pushes me away._

"_Good." I chuckle and lean back in, hands dripping to the hem of her seriously sexy dress, it just has to go, I decide. _

"_No," She commands and it does nothing to make me want to stop. _

_I bite my lip at her, her eyes growing darker, I lean in to kiss her and she's about to respond, hands already gripping my hips, pulling me flush against her when there's a loud knock on the door. Someone shouting for us to get out, that we're leaving now. _

* * *

_We're ambling towards the club, Paige and I far behind the rest of the group now after having stopped to make out in a back alley where no one could see. We continue up the street giggling like naughty children until we run into two guys who are completely beyond drunk, in an even worse state than I am. They're sporting ponchos, sombreros and fake moustaches. We strike up drunken conversation with them immediately! _

"_You're very beautiful," One of the boys purrs to Paige, stroking her jaw. _

"_She is, isn't she?" I agree, "Couldn't you just rip her clothes off right here?" I ask, staring at Paige the whole time, knowing the effect I'm having on her. _

"_I could." He agrees, thinking I'm being his wing woman. _

"_Unfortunately for you I'm the only one who gets that pleasure." They stare between us, then between themselves, possibly looking even happier now than they had when they first approached us. Paige looks at me like a deer in headlights._

"_You two are…?"_

"_Yup." Paige gulps, eyes still painfully wide, my hand finding hers in the dark. It's a start, it might not be her friends, but at least she isn't hiding us completely._

"_Don't believe you." He says, calling our bluff. _

"_Fine," I shrug, "If we prove it to you, we get your outfits." _

"_Deal." They agree together, automatically._

* * *

"_How couldn't they see that was win-win for us?" Paige laughs, sticking on her fake moustache. I smirk and try to help her, but the alcohol has made my limbs uncooperative and lazy, like I'm pulling them through honey, my sombrero slips in front of my face. _

"_I don't know, but I will say I love you in that poncho, and I think I'd love it even more if it was the only thing you were wearing." I love the effect I have on Paige, how despite being anything but innocent she's still shocked when I make comments like that. _

"_Don't start something you can't finish, Fields." _

"_Oh, I intend to finish it." I whisper, nibbling her ear, "Let's skip the club, go straight back to yours." I know she's about to concede, she can't say no, and then suddenly there's a squeal. _

"_There you guys are! Where did you get those?!" I can practically hear Paige's heart hammer in her chest, thinking we've been caught; she jumps about a meter away from me. Her heavy breathing starts to slow when she realises its only Laura. I resist the urge to roll my eyes. "They look great!" She shouts, the alcohol making her unaware of how unnecessarily loud she's being. She grabs my moustache from my hand and sticks it to her own face, grabbing Paige's sombrero and placing it on her own head. Laura demands a photo of us, because we're the perfect couple, according to her. I surprise Paige when I drag her in for a deep kiss, she doesn't resist and it feels good for once to show a little PDA. The flash is blindingly bright, or maybe that's the firework that Paige somehow manages to always set off inside me. I don't have long to think about it though because there's some noise and suddenly Paige is two meters away from me._

_I grab her hand and tug her back to me, just wanting to have her close again, but she hears the shouting of her friends and pulls herself free, shooting me an apologetic glance. I sigh and shake my head, "Are we going to this club, or what?" I ask, forcing a smile, letting Laura take my hand as she begins to drag me up the street, leaving Paige and the rest of the gang behind._

* * *

"_Oh, Paige loves foreplay," I smirk, eyeing her as I take a long drag, "Don't you, babe?" I tilt my head and purse my lips. We're out in the smoking area and I am beyond drunk, somehow the conversation had turned to sex. _

_Paige blushes furiously, "I er, I guess so?" She mumbles, shaking her head at me. _

"_It's ok, Paige, we're all adults here." One of the guys, Jack, pats Paige on the back. "And it's good to know, isn't it, Dan?" He smirks at his friend who is stood on Paige's other side. He blushes, looking Paige up and down, though I'm sure she doesn't notice, she's busy examining the ground right now. _

"_What about you, Emily?" Jack asks, taking the cigarette from my hand._

"_Oh, I like it rough. I like to be dominated." I purr, "I like to be tied up." Paige's head shoots up. _

"_Kinky." I look away from Paige's hungry eyes to find a pair of equally hungry eyes, clawing their way up and down my body. _

"_What about you, big boy?" I place a hand on his bicep, feeling him tense under me. I know what I'm doing is wrong on every level, but jealous Paige is so hot I just can't help but let my hand linger. _

"_Em, I need to pee, you're coming." She grabs my arm and drags me away, giving me no time to say anything in reply. _

"_Don't keep her too long!" I hear Jack shout after us with a laugh. _

"_What the fuck are you doing?" She growls at me, pushing me into a cramped cubicle. I place my hands on her and kiss at her neck, but she doesn't respond. I must be drunker than I think I am if I can't even do this right. It's not as if she's helping though, Paige knows how hot I find it when she swears. "Emily, are you fucking serious?" She shakes her head at me. "If you're trying to piss me off it's working." She pushes me off lightly. "What're you doing now?" She huffs as I begin to search in my bag. Turning away from her as I pull it out. "What've you got there?" She asks, I'm so drunk I start to giggle at her as I tip some of the white powder out onto the back of my hand. I use my finger to brush it into a line and sniff it hastily, making sure I get the majority, turning back to my furious girlfriend and licking the back of my hand, never breaking eye contact. _

"_What some?" I hum seductively at her, drawing my finger into my mouth and sucking on it to remove to powder from that too. _

"_You've got to be fucking kidding me." She closes her eyes like I'm the absolute bane of her entire existence. "Great," She shakes her head. "You're sniffing, just fucking brilliant,"_

"_Baby," I place my hands on her cheeks._

"_Don't you dare fucking 'baby' me right now, Emily."_

"_God, you're so hot." So moan._

"_I think we should leave."_

"_I think that's a very good idea." I brighten at the prospect. _

"_Or maybe you should stay." She suggests, "Because I really don't want to be around you right now."_

"_Paige, come on. It's only a bit of coke, Jesus. It's not going to kill me." I roll my eyes at my over protective girlfriend. _

"_Where did you even get it?" She shakes her head and holds up her hands, "Actually, I don't care." She draws a hand through her beautiful, silky hair, how her movement is so fluid really confuses me, my head spins because we've been stood still too long and I need to dance. "I could deal with that. It's the fact that you're basically outing me to my friends."_

"_I haven't-"_

"_It's all you've done all night, Emily. Let me tell them in my own fucking time. I'm not ready to tell them I'm gay yet, maybe if you can't accept that then you shouldn't visit anymore."_

"_Maybe if you're so ashamed of me and our _gay _relationship then we shouldn't date anymore." I bite back; annoyed that she can't see how she's treating me, how understanding I've actually been about all this. _

"_Look, just go home with Jack or Laura or anyone, I'm not really bothered, just don't show up at my door." She spits, disgusted, unlocking the door and stumbling out before I can argue anymore._

* * *

_Fuck knows what time it is, but I finally arrive back at Paige's dorm having hunted down Cori and gotten her dorm key. She'd given it to me with a concerned look, an eye roll and a wish good luck, because God would I need it. I stumble in, completely unable to walk. I kick off my heels and stumble over Paige's desk chair. _

"_Fucking hell." I groan from my position on the floor. "Paige," I pout, reaching onto her bedside table blindly. I knock most, if not all of the things on it off onto the floor before I finally find the switch for the lamp. I huff, exhausted from the effort and squint to make the world stop spinning; Paige is lying in bed, facing the wall. "Princess," I sigh. "Can you help me out of my dress," This is what my brain says that I say, but not really what my tongue forms. I'm so exhausted I might cry. _

"_Sleep in it." Comes her muffled reply. _

"_I want to sleep naked." I rest my forehead on the side of her bed and feel it move as she rolls over. I look up to find her staring down at me with red, puffy eyes. "Please," I pout, scrunching my brow. _

"_Turn round." She orders, quickly unzipping it and curling back into bed. "Put some clothes on, you're not sleeping naked with me tonight." She's grumpy and her voice is wobbly. I begin to search for something she's already worn that I can sleep in. I can sense she won't want to snuggle. "What are you doing, Fields?" She groans, sitting up. _

"_I like how you smell." I admit, pathetically. _

"_Just fucking put something on." I huff and grab one of my pj tops. I take off my bra, with much difficulty, and pull the top over my head. "Do you need a bucket?" Paige asks, back facing me, I struggle with the lamp again as I rest on the edge of her bed. _

"_No." _

"_You will." She sighs, sitting up, leaning around me, tipping out the contents of her bin and placing it beside the bed. "Emily, I swear to God if you're sick on me," She leaves the threat open. "Goodnight." She grunts, clicking off the lamp for me._

"_Love you." I slur into the dark, attempting to spoon her. _

"_Please, don't." She whimpers, sadly. _

"_I'm cold." I whine, wanting her to feel sorry for me._

"_I know. I can feel you." She sniffs. "I'd been imagining your legs wrapped around me all day." I push myself further against her, draping my arm over her, kissing her shoulder. "But that's seriously the last thing I want right now." _

"_I'm sorry," I babble, "I love you." The room spins and the movement is entirely too much for me right now. "I'm…" _

"_Em," She turns, suddenly concentred. "Oh fucking hell, roll over you absolute mess." She helps me turn and pulls my hair back just as I full on vomit, thankfully into the bin beside me. _

"_I don't want to be a McCullers."_

"_What are you talking about?" I can tell she's still annoyed, understandably, I'd pretty much broken up with her. _

"_When we get married." I mutter, a mix of vomit and saliva dripping from my mouth, as if this is obvious. "I'm going to be Emily Fields. You're going to be Paige Fields." _

_I hear her scoff, "Not fucking likely at this rate. I don't think we'll see the wedding, Em." _

"_If you're concerned I'll choke on my tongue in my sleep, you needn't be." I try to sooth her. I hear her chuckle; feel her chest vibrating against my back. _

"_For the record, I could never be ashamed of you," She mumbles, kissing my shoulder. "I really appreciated the second chance. I'm sorry I fucked it up, again. I'm going to tell you now, because you're in no state to argue." Even in my current state I can tell she's crying, but I literally can't move, "I loved you since that first kiss and I never stopped. I really don't want this to be how we end, just because I'm weak and scared. I promise I'll tell them, I'll tell anyone that will listen, because I'm gay and the sky is blue… and I am in love with you, Emily Fields." _

"_Princess," I mumble, she loves when I call her that. There's more I wanted to say, but the alcohol forces it's way back up my throat and burns twice as much as it had on the way down._

**Hope you enjoyed that! As you could probably tell, that was meant to be their first real fight. I'd wanted to leave it after their fight but I just couldn't. I didn't want to write anymore because it was already super long! But they probably continued fighting after this... but anyway! This was a quick update! Leave a review, tell me what you think and look forward to the last flashback! **


	9. Chapter 9

**I hope you've liked the last two flashbacks, this is the last I've written, I really like this one and hope you do too! **

The next photo is by far one of my most treasured memories and I'd remember every second of it even without the photo.

_I thank God it's raining because I'm sweating buckets. _

"_Picked the perfect day, didn't you, Fields?" Paige rolls her eyes at me, huffing as she tugs the hood of her waterproof tighter around her head and crosses her arms over her chest. Paige usually loves the outdoors, but she'd been in a bad mood for 3 days over an argument we'd had about the house. Ordinarily if we'd been fighting we wouldn't have come out here on a little excursion, but I'd made her come, I'd been planning this for weeks. _

"_Sorry." I mutter, meaning it. Seriously, why am I even doing this? Why can't I do anything right? Why couldn't I just rearrange? Change the plans, it really wouldn't matter. I turn and find her staring at me, a brow raised sharply. She's confused that I'm seriously apologising for the weather, that instead of biting back a cutting comment like I usually would have, I've stuttered out a pathetic 'sorry'. _

_Her face softens and she reaches out and grabs my hand, "Em," I swallow and can't bear to look at her. "Sorry, I'm being a bitch. Come on, I think there's more water and trees over here for us to look at." She says, sarcastically as we begin to walk along the muddied wooden walkway. A waterfall crashes down onto the rocks below and the walkway opens up, Paige drops my hand and walks over, reaching out to flutter her fingers in the water that's crashing down. __She's so amazingly beautiful, my breath catches as I watch her, totally in awe._

"_Paige," I gulp, right behind her, I'm sure were it not for the callous rain battering us, and the wind tearing through the trees she'd hear my great hammering loud in my chest. She turns and raises a brow at me, my chest starts to heave and I try to calm myself down. "I-...Weren't you just complaining about being wet?" I mutter, unable to push out what I really want to say. She shakes her head at me, sighing. _

"_Why are we fighting?" She asks, "Are we really still fighting?" She's annoyed. I swallow again, we can't have a fight right now, we just can't. The atmosphere was tense before, but now it's palpable. _

_I curl into her rigid side, "Lets not do this right now, lets just enjoy this. I know you're pissed, but if you forget about the rain, it's really beautiful." I say, taking in our surroundings. The trees are tall and a deep green, the kind of which I'd never seen before. Just as I feel Paige begin to follow my view, the sun peaks out behind the mass of grey cloud and filters down through the trees and the leaves, bathing us in a brilliant light. I know right then that I need to do it. _

"_Princess," I fumble in my pocket, grabbing the small box. "I've been thinking."_

"_Oh, dangerous." She smirks, I ignore her. _

"_I've got a little proposition for you," I gulp, hoping this is ok, hoping she doesn't hate this. God, I hate this, I've made such a horrible mistake. She looks at me, motioning for me to continue, a lazy half smirk, half smile sits on her lips. I love her so much. "So, I was thinking maybe, we do a little exchange," My palms are sweating so much the velvet of the box is probably already changing colour. "Will you erm," I pull out the box and open it in front of her, "If I give you this ring, will you give me your last name?" I mutter, feeling beyond embarrassed. I stare at her; she's furrowed her brows. She looks completely mystified and I'm happy at least that I've surprised her. But maybe that's because being proposed to is the last thing you're expecting when you're fighting with the person who just proposed. I open my mouth to take it back, to tell her I'm sorry, that this is completely the wrong time, but she's speaking before I can even say anything. I thought she'd want something more personal, more quiet, not big and flashy, no grand gestures. Just us, being us. I'd felt like this would be right and true, because Paige loves nature and forests for reasons beyond my comprehension, and I love her and I love that she loves nature, that she can see beauty in every aspect of the world. I wanted this to be everything she'd want and I've gone and gotten it wrong. And to top it off I haven't even asked her to marry me. I was hoping she'd remember the conversation we'd had wherein I'd adamantly stated that I wanted to be Emily Fields. I should have just stayed with tradition, but I thought she'd have liked that this was unique, it's not as if we'd had the most traditional of relationships. _

"_Emily," She stares at me intently, "You're fucking kidding, right?" My face blanches, oh fucking Christ almighty. "We're fighting for some stupid petty reason, we're in the middle of this," She takes in a deep breath and gestures to all around us, "beautiful forest and it's fucking lashing down with rain, we're both soaked through and probably developing pneumonia, and to you that's the perfect time to propose?" _

"_I, I, ye-" I stutter for a minute, but then gain some confidence, fighting against the lump that's lodges itself in my throat, "Yes." I stand up straight, staring into the eyes I've loved for 6 years, "Yes, it is the perfect time to propose. Because I love you." I sweep a damp piece of hair behind her ear, "Because no matter where this happens, no matter how shit the weather is, no matter who is here to witness it, be it our family and friends, or the birds and these _fucking_ insects." I bat one off my arm, losing my patience with them; they're ruining my proposal! I raise my voice against the howling wind and crashing water, "It would always be the perfect time, because to me there is nothing that could make this moment anything but perfect... Unless of course if you said no, which admittedly might dampen my spirits somewhat. Unintentional pun… Sorry." I mutter, wiping a tear from my cheek, nervous now, because she still hasn't answered me, still hasn't said yes. "So, can I swap you? This for your last name?" I ask, coyly. Holding up the box to her again, taking out the ring this time._

"_This is absolutely fucking ridiculous…" She shakes her head, "but it is perfect and I love you… so much. I'd love to swap you." She laughs, tears or maybe just rain, dripping down her cheeks as she pulls me in and kisses me with everything she's got. I reciprocate, pushing the ring I'd taken weeks to pick onto the fourth finger of her left hand. _

"_Can I be absolutely ludicrous and make it even more ridiculous?" I smile, pulling out my phone. _

"_Seriously? Must you send a photo of everything that happens to your friends?" She laughs, pulling me in close. Holding her hand up and posing for the photo that I snap. My phone takes a few and they show us smiling, then my face turned to look at my beautiful soon to be wife, cue internal screaming, with complete adoration, her turning to look at me with a similar look and finally our lips meeting in the softest most meaningful of kisses, her left hand resting against my cheek, the light glinting off the ring that now adorns her slim finger. A collection of photos that I'm sure I'll treasure forever. _

"_Well, not _everything_." I smirk, sending the photo of us to group message to notify the girls on how it had gone. "Not what we'll be doing when we get back to the car…"_

"_Emmy!" Paige scolds, laughing, a blush creeping up her cheeks. "You know, I think I've seen enough trees and stuff. Anyway, we both need to get out of these wet clothes…" She grabs me around the waist and kisses my neck and jaw then finally my lips. "Emily McCullers…" She furrows her brows like she's contemplating it, swilling my new name around her mouth like she's tasting it, letting her tongue adjust to it. "Hm." Her lips turn down in a seriously cute upside down smile that she can't fight off, "I suppose I could get used to that."_

* * *

The sound of our doorbell ringing pulls me back to the present, I swipe absently at the tears staining my cheeks and quickly shove the albums back into their place on the shelf.

"Hey," I open the door to find Aria on the other side. I notice her lack of accessories immediately, it's startling.

"Are you crying?" She asks plainly.

"No, yes. What time is it?" I'm a bit confused, how long had I been sat there?

"Quarter to eight." Aria gives me a sort-of smile and looks over my shoulder.

"Sorry, come in. Weren't you meant to be here at seven?"

"Yeah, sorry." She offers no explanation.

"I've just been looking through photo albums. I lost track of time." I take a deep breath, my lungs thankful for the oxygen.

"I brought wine." She says, deadpan, holding up two bottles of red. "You think we need glasses or can we drink from the bottle?" I raise a brow at her, confused.

"I think I'll get us glasses…" Aria Montgomery, always classy, never trashy. Apart from tonight, clearly. I return to the living room with two glasses and set them on the table, closing the curtains before I walk over to the sofa. Aria's staring at something that I'm not even entirely sure exists, seemingly unaware of my presence. "Aria?" She shakes her head and looks to me, raising her brows in question. "I'm not really feeling scary movies tonight." I'm actually feeling kind of sentimental and a little emotional, I'm missing Paige and looking at those photos hasn't really helped, nor has the fact that I'm once again going to have to tell her I'm not pregnant. I try not to think about it all too much for fear I'll end up a snivelling ball curled up on Aria's lap.

"I'm not really feeling movies. I can't concentrate on much at the minute." She says. "Can we just talk for a while? I've… I don't really," She swallows, looks about the beige room for a while. This is so unlike Aria, not being able to articulate what she wants to say, I believe is her worst nightmare. "I just want to talk but at the same time I don't… want to talk."

"I think you need tea, not wine."

"Probably." She agrees, but when I get back from making said tea she's already started on the wine. I decline the glass she offers me, the last thing she needs is an unsteady supportive shoulder to cry on, and I wouldn't even be able to provide that if I started drinking too.

**Hope you guys liked that! I'd love to hear what you thought and how you think the proposal would have gone, I love to hear what other people think! What's up with Aria? I find Aria so difficult to write. I'll be writing the next chapter shortly so I hope you guys enjoyed the flashbacks and everything! **


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey, sorry this is so stupidly over due! No excuses, here's the chapter, it's really shitty, I lost the will to write Aria as soon as I began writing this chapter and so it just sort of went to shit... Lesson learned! This is basically a massive dialogue, oops. **

We sit in silence for a while, not the nice kind of peaceful silence though. It's odd, it's like I'm just waiting for Aria to talk. I don't want to pressure her to say anything she doesn't want to, but at the same time I don't want to change the subject and seem to be dismissing her problems. After a while I decide to take the reins, maybe help ease her into this. "Are you and Ezra having problems?"

Again, another long silence, "Yes." She seems to contemplate this, takes a big gulp of wine, "No, not really. It's not the main issue." She concludes.

"And, what is the main issue?" I try, channelling my inner psychologist, my, Spencer would be proud. I wonder briefly why Aria hasn't gone to Spencer about this, as a friend or professionally. But then I realise that what Aria wants is a friend and knowing Spencer she would talk psychobabble and treat her like a patient regardless.

"Me." She says immediately. "_I'm_ the issue." She sounds almost bitter as she nurses the glass of wine in her small hands. I remember once Aria saying she'd rather be seen dead than with chipped nail polish, yet here she is, chipped nail polish and all, sitting on my sofa.

"Aria," I chide gently, she's always too hard on herself.

"No, Emily, really. I'm being stupid." She shakes her head with a scoff, "I'm being pathetic."

"Aria," I repeat, firmer this time. She sighs.

"I'm depressed."

"Because you're fighting with Ezra?" I ask softly, taking her hand.

"No. I'm fighting with him _because_ I'm depressed."

"_Oh_." I sit, very unsure what to say. "Are you," I'm not sure what I want to ask, "Have you seen a doctor?"

"Yes." She takes a long drink; I assume she's done with answering that question.

"How long…" I try to ask, already feeling guilty because I'd been none the wiser and as far as I'm aware neither had the other girls.

"I don't know. A while. It's difficult to separate the feelings I'm actually feeling from what depression is telling me I'm feeling." Admittedly I don't really understand what she means by this, but I try my best. It really is a wonder that none of us ended up depressed during our teen years given everything that went on. She shrugs nonchalantly, "I guess it'll be good for my writing though. Just look at Sylvia Plath."

"Aria!" I rebuke her seriously this time, "Don't say things like that!"

She scoffs, "I'm joking, Em. Relax, I'm not going to shove my head in an oven." She seems to roll her eyes at me, but it isn't playfully. We sit in silence for a while, Aria drinks quickly, refilling her glass before it's even empty, which makes it difficult to keep track of how many she's had.

"I know I don't understand how you're feeling, but do you want to talk about it? Maybe you can try to help me understand so that I can help you." I encourage her; hoping that she'll feel better if she can at least talk about it, know that someone is there for her.

"I don't know what I feel anymore. I'm not sad exactly, not really. It's more like I'm…" She searches for a word, "hollow, empty. Like nothing can evoke emotion from me, you know? I just feel like I'm running on autopilot all day, just waiting for when I can crawl back into bed and dread the thought of having to get up again in the morning." She takes a deep shaky breath. "It's like, a drop of ink. Like someone has an ink pen against a piece of paper. See it's ok for a while and the little black dot of ink just sits and only spreads a little, but the longer the pen stays there, the more pressure you put on it, the more ink comes out, the further it spreads, until before you know it it's seeped out all over the page, all over everything and everything is covered in that black ink and it's not reversible. You can't put the ink back in the pen and you can't clean the paper." She sounds panicky and desperate by the end so I do the only thing I know how to do. I take the glass from her hand, set it down and pull her tight against me. I feel her tiny body shake against me, wracked with sobs. Her analogy, although poetic, still doesn't really make a lot of sense to me, but I don't say so.

"It's like you're drowning and you're watching everyone else breathe." She sobs.

After a while she calms down and sits back up, wipes furiously at her face and seems more reserved now, embarrassed or maybe annoyed at herself. I swallow the lump in my throat and have to ask the fated question. It's what everyone's mind jumps to when they hear 'depression', I'm sure of it.

"Aria, do you, have you," This is more difficult that I anticipated. I can't determine if it's the palpable tension in the air, or the thought of her answer that has made this difficult.

She seems to sense what I'm asking though, my dark haired best friend just uncharacteristically scoffs mirthlessly, "Spit it out, Em."

"Have you hurt yourself?"

She looks me dead in the face now, eyes puffy and red, "Do you want to hear what you want to hear, or do you want the truth?"

"I'm hoping they're the same thing." I already know they're not.

"Does it matter?" She turns away, "You'll sleep easy regardless." She sounds annoyed. "No one really cares, Em. That's what I've learned, no one gives a fuck if you're pretending to be ok or not. You're either pretending to be ok or you're being attention seeking. That's the way this world sees this. Sees _me_. Just another fucked up attention seeking twenty-something who doesn't know what she's doing with her life."

"Stop it. That's not true and I know you know that. And don't you ever try to make out that I don't care about you. Not ever. Do you hear me, Aria?" I take her jaw in my hand gently and pull her to face me. "Never. Because you know I love you and I would do absolutely anything for you." I drop her jaw and take her hand instead. "I think, if you want, and it doesn't have to be right now, just when you're ready. We should talk to someone about this. Clearly whatever the doctor has done hasn't worked. We could take it slow, no pressure, maybe just talk to Spence? If you wanted."

"No!" She almost shouts, "I don't want anyone to know."

"That's ok. But, Aria, this isn't anything to be ashamed of and no one will treat you any differently." I say.

"Yes, they will." She frowns, "I told my mom and Em, you can't imagine the look of sheer pity in her eyes every time she sees me. She's constantly walking on eggshells around me. It's so awful."

"Have you told Ezra?"

"Of course not."

"I think, as much as you might hate the sound of it, you need to tell him. You told me." I smile reassuringly, "He'll understand, he'll just want to help you. Remember, in sickness and in health? And more importantly 'if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best' He signed up to this." She doesn't reply, "We should really all feel sorry for Caleb. Everyone knows it's only a matter of time before he pops the question and when Hanna was in labour she said, and I quote, 'If you can't handle me at my worst, then you'd better leave because I don't have a best, I'm always fucking awful.'" This at least makes Aria chuckle, "And the other day I heard her telling him that if he doesn't cry when he sees her coming down the aisle that she's turning round and going back." She laughs again.

"That's so typical Hanna." She shakes her head.

"She's got a point really, I may have stood on Paige's feet a little." Aria looks astounded and obviously I'm joking, but I continue, "What? She needed to have that tear in her eye for the photo! I'm sorry but I wasn't going to be uncomfortable all day for her not to cry. I cried when I saw her."

"Ezra cried." She smiles and seems to get lost in herself for a moment and I let her. We sit in a more comfortable silence now until the ringing of my phone interrupts us. I feel around for it before diving my hand down the side of the sofa and pulling it out, because it always seems to end up there.

"It's Paige," I say when Aria looks at me inquisitively, looking more like my best friend than she did when she entered my house. "Do you mind?"

"Of course not!" She smiles and stands up, albeit a little wobbly, she grabs my empty cup and her full one, "I think I'll just go make myself a coffee." She gives me a sheepish smile and I give her hand a gentle squeeze before I watch her leave the room with a heavy sigh.

"Hey, you." I smile as I answer the phone.

"Hi," She says coy, "How come you didn't answer my texts?"

"Aria came over, I kind of forgot about my phone." I explain.

"Oh, right. How're you feeling?" She asks and I know what she means, so I avoid her question.

"I'm good, missing my princess though. How's the meet?"

"I miss you too, babe. Teams doing great! The competition isn't really that strong but it gives the girls a chance to prepare, you know?"

"Well, with you as their coach I can't imagine there being any competition." I say, proud of her.

"What can I say? I'm fantastic." Confident is my favourite look on Paige, she suits it so much and she's come such a long way since school, when her confidence was rock bottom.

"You really are, I mean, your breaststroke is impeccable!" I purr suggestively, teasing her.

"Emily McCullers!" I can hear her smirk and I'm sure it makes my entire face light up. It's been two years since we got married and I still never tire of hearing her say my name.

"Yes, Paige?" I ask wantonly, biting my lip unable to contain the grin that erupts onto my face.

"Are you trying to punish me?" She asks in a hushed tone and I can sense she's only half joking, "I mean, I know with everything going on you might not feel like, you know… but we haven't, _you know, _since I told you I had to cancel this weekend and now you're teasing me." I already know she's pouting, adorably.

I can't help but giggle at her, "Oh, baby, I'm sorry. You know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so maybe I'll make it up to you …" I hear her hum in appreciation and know I need to end the call soon. "I'll text you," I say.

"Em," I hear her question, her voice raising an octave of two, she sounds both excited and shocked, "With Aria there?"

"Paige!" I laugh, "To hear about your day. I'm not sexting you, Jesus."

"_Ohh_."

"Yes, oh. Get your mind out of the gutter. You're spending too much time with these hormonal teenagers." I chastise, laughing.

"You started it," She whines and I know she's pouting again. "Aria wouldn't even know if you did…"

I laugh at her, "Goodbye, Paige." I roll my eyes, she reciprocates and we end the call, turning to find Aria in the doorway with two steaming cups.

"Sorry," She looks bashful and I laugh at her as she finally walks over, handing me a cup. "I didn't mean to," She clears her throat.

"Don't worry about it. You didn't interrupt anything. Paige is just being…"  
"Horny?" She supplies, I choke a little on my tea. "I ordered Chinese food, I hope that's ok?"

"Yeah," I clear the tea from my airwaves, "That sounds good."

"Em," I draw my lips into my mouth and raise my brows, my sign that she should continue, "Are you and Paige going to try again, to have kids, I mean."

I sigh, not really wanting to talk about it for obvious reasons unbeknownst to Aria, "Yeah. I mean, I'm not sure when, but we will. I guess it's just," I shrug, "Clearly not the right time."

"I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Emily." She offers me a sad smile and squeezes my hand. "You're being so brave." She adds and I fight with myself not to argue with her.

"Honestly, Paige is the brave one. Her resilience is what's getting me through this. She's just full of this boundless optimism, you know? It's irritating as hell, but I love that about her."

"I'm so glad you found each other." She smiles, "And I hope you get pregnant soon because I need to meet my favourite niece or nephew!" She squeaks.

"You're not forgetting about Luca, are you?"

"No… But I'm just saying, she's a nightmare dressed like a daydream. I just know your child will be absolutely perfect." I laugh at her.

"Luca's not a nightmare."

"Yeah, because you're her favourite aunt!" She looks at me astounded and I smirk, I can't argue with her really, I'm definitely her favourite.

Aria's mood picks up considerably and despite the beginning of the night, we have a really good time. It's a nice change to just sit and relax with Aria, especially having some alone time.

* * *

I wake up early on Saturday; the bed seems to stretch on forever, just an endless expanse of empty sheets without Paige beside me. I shiver and jump up, deciding I'll at least be productive and try to pass a few hours. I pack my bag and head to the gym, which isn't something I'd been able to do lately. I take my time and make use of my membership, especially with regards to the pool where I literally could spend hours and hours. When I finish I send Hanna a text asking if she's free to meet up today. I don't really feel like spending the day alone and I had been meaning to talk to her, since we hadn't really spoken in a while.

"We're going shopping." Hanna tells me when I answer her call. She doesn't wait for a reply before she continues, "I need presents for Luca's birthday and in all honesty I just need to get away from them for a while. Caleb is just a big child. I'm marrying a man who needs constant supervision."

I choke on air, "Marrying?!" This is news.

"Well, not officially." She answers flippantly, "He's waiting for the right time to propose." She says like it's a sure thing.

"Is he?"

"Well, I fucking hope so. Do you know something I don't? Is he not going to marry me?"

"No! I mean, wait, what? I," I'm confused, "Are we back to you assuming he's going to propose sometime soon?"

"We were never away from that. CALEB! Stop teasing her! Give her back her tiara!" She shouts, "I'll pick you up in half an hour." She concludes with a heavy sigh, ending the call before I can get a word in edgeways. I take a moment to take in everything that's just happened. Hanna is so high strung I wonder how she functions on a daily basis.

**Excited to write some Hannily in the next chapter! Sorry this was soooo terrible, hopefully I'll have the next chapter written sooner rather than later! Sorry, again, and thanks for all your wonderful reviews, they're always so lovely and so appreciated! **


	11. Chapter 11

**I don't know what happened... But I'm back. **

"You just wouldn't believe how much mess he makes. He threw a fit bigger than Luca last week because I hadn't ironed his shirt. Ex-fucking-cuse me, but I'll be fucked if I'm spending my days off doing fucking ironing." I blink at her for a minute, not entirely sure what to say, or if she even wants me to say anything. "And the cleaning! He does fuck all. He comes in from work and will bitch and moan about dirty plates, fucking do something about it then. Fuck sake."

"You finished?" I ask, fingering a soft cotton t-shirt that would look amazing on Paige. I turn and raise a brow at my blonde friend who is currently running a hand through her beautifully messy hair and letting out a deep, frustrated sigh.

"Almost." She takes a breath, "He never cooks either, not really. I make his lunch every day. Every fucking day it's ready for him to take to work. Yet, I come home late and find he's sat and watched the game or done something else that's non-productive. He's such a lazy cu- Ohh! That would look so hot on him." She stops, distracted by a leather jacket that she picks up for further inspection. I try not to laugh, just in case she goes back on a rant. I do take a moment to just praise the lord that Paige and I never have these types of issues. Paige usually makes both of our lunches for the next day while I do a little tidying, we'd fallen into the routine a long time ago and never really stopped.

"Despite you being crazy hormonal at the minute, how are you two?" I ask, anyone else might have been disembowelled and hung by Hanna for bringing up her mood swings, which she is adamant don't happen like clockwork every month, but thankfully I've known her so long I can get away with it.

"We're better. We talked," She takes in a deep breath, "I cried, we fought, we had sex, we talked some more. But now we're fine." She gives me a genuine smile that I can't help but mirror.

"Good." I say sincerely. Hanna and Caleb were such relationship goals for me, they are always so supportive of each other and even though Hanna is batshit crazy, Caleb stood by her and just finds her craziness endearing.

"How're you and Paige?"

"We're ok. We've been fighting a lot recently though. Just with trying to get pregnant and us both working ourselves into the ground. It's hard, you know?" She nods understandingly. "I miss her like crazy when she's not here."

"You just need to have a good fuck." I freeze, why Hanna thinks it's appropriate to say things like that in the middle of the mall is beyond me. I can't say I'm not envious of her boldness though. I don't comment, secretly thinking she is probably right, it feels like the last few times we have it's just been us having sex, we weren't making love but we weren't trying to fuck each others brains out either. I eye her for a minute, but she doesn't even flicker under my penetrating gaze. I settle for an eye roll instead. "You know I'm right." She smiles victoriously.

"So what if you are," I whisper harshly, giving her a shove.

"Any marriage without an active and fulfilling sex life is doomed." She tells me like she's a sexpert from a rag mag. "You should get some new toys." She turns to me, her blue eyes bright with excitement.

"No." I tell her bluntly, if there's one thing I refuse to talk about with her, it's this, and definitely not in the middle of the fucking mall.

She clucks her tongue and groans, "Fine. At least get her some sexy underwear then. Poor girl." I stare at her, "What?" She shrugs, "I'd be so bummed if my hot wife was a prude."

"I am not!" She raises a challenging brow, "Fine! I'll buy… something." I huff, slightly annoyed and excited. I'll admit it does set my mind racing, am I boring in bed? Maybe I'm not assertive enough, maybe we do need more toys or handcuffs or something. The whole thing makes me a little squeamish, I'm far too awkward for my own good, maybe having Hanna encourage this isn't the worst thing that could happen. It's one thing for me to act _that way_ with Paige in the privacy of our home, but quite another to discuss it openly with my friend in the middle of the mall on a Saturday afternoon.

Hanna drags me into the raunchiest shop in the mall and begins thrusting underwear at me in typical Hanna Marin reckless, excited, abandon. I'm slightly overwhelmed, but I try my best to keep my calm. "This would look so hot! Go try it on!" She beams proudly, shoving a dark blue lace something or other into my chest. I hold it out to take a look at it, it constitutes of next to no material whatsoever. The top half consists of maybe a third of the bra cups, I push it back into her hands immediately, giving her a hard stare that leaves no room for argument.

"Paige isn't into that kind of thing." I turn away.

"Emily," Hanna scoffs, "_I'd_ be into that kind of thing, so you can damn guarantee Paige will be." I ignore her, "I'll just keep hold of it, in case you change your mind…" I say no to a lot of the things Hanna shoves at me until she finally mumbles, "Maybe we should have had a few drinks before we came in here…"

I raise a questioning brow at her, "I just mean you're a lot more sexually confident when you're drunk." She shrugs, grabbing a whip and testing it in her palm. She turns to me and draws it slowly down the line of my neck and down the front of my chest, "Paige and I both know you like it rough, Em. Here," She throws the whip my way, I catch it clumsily.

I swallow and dip my head, attempting to hide my burning cheeks, "How do you even _know _that?" I ask incredulously, my head snapping up.

"You'd be surprised what you admit when you're drunk." She laughs, "Oh, and Paige told me. Maybe you don't like to talk about your sex life, but Paige has really come into her own since leaving high school." She smirks. I'm not sure how, and believe me I'm not unhappy about it, but somehow Paige has gotten closer to my friends than I am sometimes.

"I can't believe she told you that." I shake my head, meaning to have words with my wife. "What else has she told you?"

"Oh, wouldn't you like to know." Another sly smirk graces Hanna's face and she turns away, seemingly ending the conversation. I hit her with the whip and she lets out a cry of pain, turning back with her hands up in submission. "Fine, all I'm saying is chicken arrabiata." I mutter under my breath while Hanna simply wiggles her brows at me, "_Emily Fields_…" She shakes her head coquettishly. "I'd love to take back calling you a prude, but one swallow does not a summer make."

My eyes narrow, sceptically, "Was that," I take a look around before returning to her, "Was that Aristotle?" Hanna looks bemused, like she doesn't even know who that is, or what she's just said, simply shrugs and turns her attention back to the latex playsuit that caught her eye before.

I end up leaving with a deep purple lace playsuit that has a deep v all the way to below my belly button. It shows enough skin, but also leaves something to be desired. I sneak a photo when I try it on, admittedly it does look really hot against my dark skin. Despite Hanna's insistence, I stay well clear of toys etc. determined to keep at least some of my sex life a secret from her. Hanna buys an array of saucy underwear that leave nothing whatsoever to the imagination and divulges entirely too much information into what she and Caleb get up to after Luca's bedtime story.

I feel like I've been at the mall _forever_, it's around three when we're sat down having a coffee, I feel the much needed caffeine ignite something in my bones. The fizzle, a low buzz. I text Paige to see how her day is going and before I can convince myself to do otherwise, I attach the photo I'd taken in the changing rooms, asking if she liked what I'd bought.

* * *

There aren't many shops we haven't been in by the time Hanna has gotten everything she needs from the mall. My feet feel numb and I'm fairly certain I've done swimming practices that have been less gruelling and completely exhausting, but I've had a really good time, as I always do when I hang out with Hanna. She has this way of lightning the mood without even doing anything, I think it's something to do with her aura, at least that's what Aria would suggest. I forget for a while why I'm upset, that is until Hanna drags me into one final shop to buy presents for Luca and that topic arises again and my beautiful little bubble is burst.  
"When are you going to have kids, Em? I'm so sick of being the only one who understands what it's like to clean up someone else's puke."

"No, you're not. I clean up Paige's puke all the time. Especially when she's hung over after a night out with you!" I accuse. I understand completely why Paige worries when I go out with Hanna, because Paige gets in similar messy states herself under the Marin influence. This really isn't helped by the fact that she can't really handle her drink, meaning she's always the first to be drunk, but has to continue drinking and try to keep up for no other reason than she's a McCullers and she's stubborn as fuck.

"You know what I meant." She rolls her eyes, "When are you going to have another baby stuffed in you?" I can't even be mad at how she's phrased it.

"We're taking a break for now." I answer, holding up a soft pink dress to check the size. "This would look so cute on Luca." I hang it over my arm and walk away from my friend like I'm simply looking at the girls toys. Typically though, Hanna either doesn't realise I want to drop the subject, or doesn't care.  
"Why? How long are you going to wait? What does Paige think about that?"  
"Hanna." I stare at her, hoping she'll take the hint, she just stares back at me awaiting an answer, "We're going to wait until we're ready again, it's really put a strain on our relationship." I admit reluctantly, finding myself getting a little bit upset at this little nugget of truth.

"But-"

"Han, stop. Please, can we not talk about it?" I plead, my lip beginning to quiver as my eyes become blurred. I see that she registers my mood now and simply nods.

"That dress is beautiful, Luca will love it." She gives me a gentle smile and a squeeze of my hand and I know this conversation isn't over, but maybe she's just saving me the indignity of crying in the middle of the mall.

_You're horrible. Yet so sexy. _Paige's message comes through just as we're settling into Han's car to go home. I smirk and type a quick response, _You don't think I should take it back then?  
_Her reply is instantaneous. _Don't you dare. _I bite my lip, trying to hide the smile on my face so as not to make Hanna curious. Before I get the chance to reply another message pops up, _I've got a break. I want you to talk dirty to me. _

Paige isn't usually this brazen, but it's been a while since we were last intimate, so I guess she's a little desperate, probably not helped by that photo. I reply, not knowing how I feel about it. _Really?_

_Yes. _

_I can't wait to get you home and, _I wait there, knowing I can't do this with Hanna in the car, my poker face isn't that good.

_And what, Em?_

_Do our taxes. _I send and within two seconds my phone is ringing in my palm.

"It's Paige," I say to Hanna who looks at me, turning down the radio.

"Hey, baby." I smirk.

"Hey, fucking, baby?_ Emily._" Her breathy tone tells me immediately that she's turned on and I can't help twitching a little in my seat at the thought.

"Yes, Paige?"

"I can't believe you. Where are you?"

"I'm just in the car with Hanna on our way back from the mall." I say as Hanna requests I put Paige on speakerphone.

"Baby, I'm so wet." Paige sighs just as my phone clicks onto speaker, meaning Hanna hears Paige sighing in a way only I should ever hear. A small squeak escapes unbidden from my mouth that's hanging wide open; I scramble with my phone to do _something, anything. _

"You're on speaker." I cringe when I realise there really isn't anything I can do to remedy this now. I chance a glance at Han and see she's trying furiously not to burst into laughter.

"I'm-WHAT! For how long? Emily!" Paige almost shouts, frantic and probably beyond embarrassed. I feel a little guilty at imagining her face and having a little chuckle to myself, but she's just so adorable when she's flustered.

"Don't worry, Paige. I'll just assume you meant from the pool." Hanna smirks.

"Yes, please do. That's honestly all I meant. Isn't it, Em? Tell her. I'd just text you saying I'd done some swimming, _hadn't I?_" She pleads.

"Yup. Exactly that." A small laugh escapes at my wife trying to back pedal frenetically, despite the fact that the damage is already done, and as dense as Hanna is sometimes, she's totally not buying this. I'd be worried if she had given Paige's sultry moan had echoed from the tinny speaker into the silent car, kind of like we were listening to a porno podcast.

"Oh, that's funny. Because from Emily's face I would have sworn you'd been sexting. But talking about swimming makes a lot more sense for you two." Hanna laughs. I'm caught between laughing and feeling offended.

"Please don't tell Hastings about this." Paige groans. I know Spencer and Paige love each other really. They've become best friends, but it's one of those fucked up friendships where they have to pretend they hate each other because they're both too stubborn to admit their first impressions were wrong and that they do in fact like each other. It's exhausting and I'm not even involved in it, I don't know how they keep it up.

"I can't promise that." Hanna says and I'm sure we all know Spencer will know as soon as Hanna can get her phone in her hand.

"_So_," I attempt to change the subject, not that things could get worse, "I got Luca a cute dress and some toys off us."

"Did you get her that talking unicorn she wanted? I told her I'd get her it." Paige says enthusiastically, probably more excited about Luca's birthday than she is.

"I did."

"You need to stop spoiling her, McCullers. Get your own kid to spoil, Jesus. You're making mine into a brat who gets everything she wants."

"Good." Paige laughs, "And as for our own kid, we'll get there, eventually." I can just see how she'd be looking at me all hopeful and kind, like she holds the world in her eyes and she'd give it to you if you only asked.

"You'll understand how annoying it is soon enough." Hanna continues, "When people," She fake coughs Paige's name here, clearly to indicate she's the person in question, as if either of us would have thought it was someone else, "buy your daughter everything she wants and she throws a tantrum at the word 'no'."

"I know, Emily is exactly the same."

"What?" I bark.

"Get everything you want, do you, Em?" Hanna raises a teasing brow, which I return with a humourless smile unable to resist rolling my eyes, too. "Clearly you'll be the tough mom. Obviously Paige doesn't get everything _she_ wants."

"Hanna!" Paige and I reprimand together.

"Well, I think we'd better go before this gets even more inappropriate, if that's even possible." I say, eyes wide.

"Don't spoil the fun, Emily." Hanna chastises, "We all know about your sex life anyway."

"Han!" Paige shrieks now.

"Paige!" I shake my head, "Why did you tell her I like it rough?"

"Because you do?" She sounds confused and I imagine soothing the crease between her brows. "_D__on't you_?" She says, panicked, after a moment of silence.

"_Regardless_. You shouldn't _tell_ her." I sigh exasperatedly. "We'll discuss this when you're home." I say with a hint of annoyance and finality. Paige agrees sounding worried of my wrath.

"Well it's been wonderful talking to you, Paige, but you'd best go get dried off. Or alternatively you could just ring Emily back in like ten minutes, she'll be home alone by then and you can tell her all about how wet you are." Hanna gives me a cheeky grin.

"I'm going to murder you as soon as this car is in park." I growl, a hostile grin plastered on my face.

"So… Guess I'll talk to you in a little while then, Em?" Paige says cautiously, jokingly.

"Ok, that's enough from you." I can't deal with either of them, but they're both having a good laugh at my expense, I'm actually surprised how cavalier Paige is being about the whole situation. But I suppose Hanna has that air about her that makes you feel comfortable, like you can tell her anything, which Paige obviously does.

"Goodbye, Paige." Hanna laughs giving my arm a pat to show she's only messing.

"Bye, princess." I add, "Love you."

"Love you, too." I can hear the smile in her voice as she says those words with all the honesty in the world.

"What?" Hanna is looking at me, brows raised a goofy smile on her face.

She just takes in a deep breath, adjusts her hair and smiles at me like butter wouldn't melt. "You two." Is all she says before she reaches over, turns up the radio and starts to sing along to the song that's playing. It's not long after I get a text from Paige that inspires so many emotions in me that I couldn't possibly count.

_Can't wait to get home and do our taxes.  
_

**I don't know what happened to this chapter, but it was just a nice little funny, fluffy break. It was nice to write, too. Sorry, again, for the immense delay! **


	12. Chapter 12

I end up having dinner with Hanna and Caleb; Hanna had sensed my reluctance to go home to an empty house on a Saturday night and invited me over. She'd enticed me with the promise of a home cooked meal, which I probably wouldn't have been having had I gone home. There's something sad and upsetting about cooking for one when you've had the experience of cooking for two. Somehow the allure of a microwave dinner, or a take away is much more appealing. I figure it's because there's no build up, no anticipation while cooking as to weather the person is going to appreciate what you've made. And also the relaxing stimulant of having someone to talk to while you eat, rather than just staring at the tv, not watching, just staring. Being able to vent, to just discuss every aspect of your day with someone who takes a vested interest in how you're feeling and all the mundane things you've done. Just the company of someone else, the comfort you get just from being in their presence, that feeling of being loved and safe, is unrivalled by almost every other feeling. Of course Paige texts me and we tell each other everything we've done that day after she's finished for the day. I tell her I don't want to be rude and take a phone call while I'm at Hanna's, but I suspect it'll be too late by the time I get home and that she'll be sleeping. The thing about Paige is that she'll quite happily work every hour God sends to make me happy. And that does make me happy, but I'd be just as happy to go without the organic veg in exchange for normal, to skip the fancy meals out, to have to say I just couldn't afford a girls night out. Just to have her home more often, to have her in my arms. No matter how many times I'd tried to explain this to her however, she wouldn't have it. Paige just wants the best for us. She wants us to have the same - more than comfortable - life she lived when she was young, she wants us to have everything my friends have. The pools in the back garden, two living rooms, twelve different types of champagne at hand at any given moment. Ok, maybe Paige doesn't _want _those things, she wants to be able to have those things if I wanted them. This all makes Paige sound materialistic, but she's far from it. She'd refused help from her father who ardently insisted he pay for our wedding, the honeymoon, a down payment on the house, anything. But everything we have we've worked for, for the most part anyway. I'm just not sure how she'll handle this, us not being able to have a baby. Because it isn't something she can work harder to fix, she can't work longer hours or put in more effort. It's out of her control and that's something I think she'll struggle with. Paige is a planner. Not seriously, she isn't a Spencer level planner, but she does like to have a rough draft.

"Emily?" Caleb pulls me out of my thoughts, holding a glass of red wine in front of me. I blink several times before my eyes resume normal functioning and turn to him with a grateful smile, accepting the glass. "Where were you just now?" He asks, sitting opposite on the plush sofa with a glass of his own, pulling a stuffed animal out from under him. We're in the first living room due to multiple factors, one being the time, as it is not yet Luca's bedtime, another being the red wine. We may be adults by law, but Hanna still assumes that Caleb cannot be trusted with anything that can stain her precious white wool carpet. It hadn't been said outright, but I grasped that I'd been included on that list of people who are likely to stain the carpet. I hadn't minded though. I felt more at ease in this living room, the other is too pristine, too clean and tidy. It's unnatural, it's like a show home, which, yes, is nice, but it's oddly disconcerting. It's like no one lives in it and frankly makes me frightened to move, lest my bangle get caught on one of the tassels on a throw pillow and next thing you know I've caused more than the worth of my house in damages.

"I was just thinking about Paige." I say thoughtfully. "Do you think she's kind of OCD, like she can't cope without a plan?"

Hanna pops her head round the corner, shampoo suds on her cashmere sweater, damp patches everywhere from the squirming girl she's just been bathing. "Paige? A planner?" She shares a look with Caleb and the pair burst into laughter.

"You're not serious, are you?" I look between the two. "oh-kay, she's serious." Caleb says, dragging out the 'oh'.

"What?" I ask, confused. At this point Caleb erupts into laughter and begins regaling wedding stories, which to me were completely unknown, yet to everyone else were hilarious memories. Apparently Paige had left the few jobs I'd allocated to her until a_ week _before the wedding. So naturally she'd struggled to find a florist, or organise transport for the wedding. There was also a huge issue with the cake which I'd actually already organised, only to now find out that Paige had accidentally gotten into an argument with the supplier and ended up demanding the order be cancelled, thus she had five days to get us a wedding cake, lest I be drawing the knife through her instead of the lemon sponge I'd originally wanted.

"_An altercation?_" I repeat Caleb, who seemed to think that calling whatever happened 'an altercation' would sooth my mind. How I never found out about this is beyond me. "What? Wait, I don't even want to know. Don't even tell me about the rest." I say, but am unable to fight the smile that's slipping onto my lips at the thought of my wife.

"So, to answer your earlier question I would say no, she is not a planner. Why do you ask?" He says, opening his arms as Luca crawls up onto his lap after which Hanna deposits a small plastic plate of toast into her waiting hands and settles into his other side.

I shrug, "I just can't help wondering how she'd cope, with a baby, you know? I mean, she likes to have a plan. Get these grades, go to this college, do this course, get this job… You know? There just is no semblance to a plan with trying to get pregnant, never mind when we actually have a baby." I confess, fiddling with the bobble on the fluffy slippers Hanna had given me to wear. She's insisted this was because the hardwood floors made your feet really cold, but really I knew it was in case my shoes or socks got anything dirty on her carpets. She would argue ardently otherwise, but Hanna is more like Spencer than she'd ever admit.

"I think the idea that you're even trying is plan enough for Paige. You've just given her something to work towards." Caleb says, stealing some of Luca's toast, which causes Luca whine and Hanna to slap his hands gently before he puts it back with a pout, which Hanna kisses off his lips. The whole interaction happens in maybe ten seconds, but it's in those ten seconds that I see everything I want. "Is this really you being concerned about whether Paige is ready for a baby? Or is this about you?" He asks, staring intently down at his daughter, like he's trying to imagine this, trying to imagine not wanting to hold her in his arms. To not read to her before she sleeps, to not watch her take her first steps and say her first words. Like he's wondering why he ever felt like he wasn't ready.

"No!" I shake my head, "No, of course not. Paige wants a baby." I say and suddenly realise _Paige_ does want a baby.

"Everyone here had established that, funnily enough." Hanna is drifting to sleep against his side and his arm curls around her as he speaks. I see a soft smile appear on her lips as his chest vibrates under her when he chuckles. "Are you sure this isn't about you? Because it feels a lot like you're inventing excuses to not have a baby and you're projection them onto Paige as a way of getting out of it."

"Of course I want a baby. Don't try to go all Spencer on me, ok? There aren't any deep-seated psychological issues here. My wife wants a baby and I do too, I'm just less…" I search for a word, because truthfully I don't really know what's stopping me.

"Enthusiastic?"

"I don't know. I'm just worried. I don't not want a baby, I just," I shrug, "Maybe it's not the right time." It takes me a moment to conclude, looking at the happy little family in front of me, that I do want a baby, I want a family, I want Paige. I want all of the above, but not like this. I don't want Paige to work herself into the ground for it. I don't want to be in this place, emotionally with her. Because at the minute I feel unconnected, I'm upset we're not pregnant and she's trying to be brave and hide her real feelings from me. I think once we get past that, maybe take a break and talk it over before we try again with a clean slate. "But we've decided to wait for a little while." I say. Caleb simply nods and I'm thankful for that, that he doesn't try to convince me to do anything like maybe one of the girls might have. Sometimes a male perspective is just what you need. I can count on him to be honest with me and help me out when I need an unbiased opinion.

"Looks like it's bed time. Talk about wild Saturday night." His eyes go soft as he gazes between his dozing girlfriend and his daughter who is fighting to keep her eyes open.

* * *

Sunday ebbs by painfully slowly, like time does when you're waiting for something. Spencer comes over in the morning and we go for a run, I'm out of practice and Spencer works me like a bitch, making me regret all those mornings I'd swapped exercise for a lie in and cake for breakfast.

"Emily, I know you can move faster than that." She sounds annoyed that I can't keep up with her punishing pace. I'm wheezing and clutching at the stitch in my side, I stop on the trail and bend over, folding in two like a camping chair. I rest my hands on my thighs and swallow down big gulps of air. "Seriously?" She jogs back to me and continues jogging on the spot, then jogging circles around me while I'm panting like a dog. I glance up to her, mouth hanging open, sweat dripping down my brow and find she doesn't even look like she's broken a sweat yet. "Jesus, Em. When was the last time you trained?"

"Don't." I take a drink of the water Spencer hands me. "I know." Another drink. "Fuck."

"Do you want me to push you?" She asks cautiously, like she's trying to gauge whether I'm actually completely spent, or if I'm being a bit of a wimp when really I could do a little more. I decide it's the latter; I can't be in this bad condition.

"Yeah." I gasp, still fighting to get my breathing under control.

"You're getting two minutes and then we're going again." She commands, back to the Spencer who trained me for a marathon. It's safe to say that it isn't long before again I'm panting and almost sobbing because my so called best friend keeps saying 'you're fine' and to 'keep going' when I definitely can't. I pull up and show her how my legs are literally shaking. I draw in an equally shaky breath before staggering to the side of the trail and vomiting profusely.

"Wow. Ok." She says, her breathing a little laboured now as she rubs soothing circles on my back. "Come on, sit down and you can have some water." She leads me away from my vomit and sits me down, "Here," She hands me her water, "Just little sips." She takes it back when I'm done and keeps rubbing gentle patterns on my shoulder, "Put your head between your legs." She says and I'd have made a joke about it if I didn't think I was going to pass out.

"How're you feeling?" She asks a few silent minutes later when I lift my head, hands shaking.

"Better." I nod. "But no more running." I give her a wide-eyed look that makes her laugh softly.

"No, do you think you can walk?" She stands and helps me up. "You're good?" She says when I'm taking a few wobbly steps like a new born giraffe.

"Yeah, thanks. Sorry. I'm not sure what happened. It's just been a while since I pushed myself that hard." I say.

"You look so pale." She laughs a little, "And I was telling you to keep going. Jesus. Sorry, Em. I thought you were just being lazy."

"You owe me coffee." I deadpan, still seeing lights flash behind my eyelids when I blink. "And breakfast. Seen as though I lost what I did have thanks to you." I narrow my eyes at her, but she just shakes her head, rolls her eyes and leads me through a short cut back to the car.

* * *

"Here," Spencer climbs back into her car and hands me my chai latte. I hadn't really been feeling coffee, surprisingly, given how exhausted I am. I catch a wiff of Spencer's black Americano however and almost throw up again.

"How are you not constantly wired drinking that tar?" I question, because tar really is the only word for the black liquid that she drinks like it's water.

"Oh, I am. How do you think I ran that hard? This is my fourth today." She chirps taking a sip and I can't even tell if she's joking or not. I assume she is, Spencer couldn't possibly have drunk that much coffee already this morning, she would actually be bouncing off the walls.

"What're you going to do when you actually decide to get pregnant and you can't drink coffee?" I ask, a slight smirk on my face as I watch her falter. "I'm pretty sure what you're drinking right now has more than twice what you're allowed when pregnant." I chuckle at the surprise on her face, "What?" I quirk my head when she looks at me, squinting a little.

"How do you know that?" Her face lights up a little, like an idea has formed in her head, her eyes glowing like energy saving light bulbs, dull until eventually they're glowing.

"No! No." I let out a breath, "No." I say sternly, my eyes widen at what she's obviously thinking. "Pay," I roll my eyes, "Wouldn't even let me touch it when we were trying to get pregnant,"

"Ohh." She nods seemingly disheartened, "What's with all this then?" She nods to my chosen beverage.

I shrug, "Just didn't feel like coffee. I guess old habits die hard. I just got used to having something other than coffee." I say and realise I haven't even really missed coffee that much. Yes, it's the lifeblood of the entire universe, nectar from heaven, tears of God himself, on a morning when you have to force yourself out of bed. But I hadn't missed the sour taste it left in my mouth, or the smell that lingered after consumption, or even the dull thud its absence left behind my eyes. On hearing this, Spencer quickly offers out her cup to me, clearly alarmed that I hadn't had 'real' coffee in close to forever. "No, thanks. First off, that smells disgusting and secondly that is _not _coffee. I couldn't even tell you what that is, but to classify it as _coffee _would be to defile the name." The look that dawns on her face is similar to that of a mother who meets someone who doesn't think their baby is beautiful. Like she might never look at me the same way again, her look is the epitome of 'I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.' It's actually a little bit funny. She drops her cup into the holder and puts the car into drive, making her way back to my house. "Can you open the window please, the smell of your coffee makes me feel like I'm going to puke." I swallow and catch Spencer glance at me.

"You do look a little green." She comments, opening both our windows, which does alleviate the smell a little with the drawback of making me chilly from the sweat that's now dried on my skin. I'm thankful that when we arrive at my house I've only had to ask her to pull over once so I could empty my stomach.

"Now I think it's you that owes me coffee. I didn't just buy you that to have you throw it up all over Harrison street." I glare at her teasing and hop out the car, apologising for being so shit today, promising never to speak ill of her coffee again and that I'd take a shower and spend the rest of the day in bed. I do as I'm told and do exactly that, only leaving to get food. I feel better as soon as I've showered, but the general fatigue could only be cured by a day curled up in bed. If only Paige was here too.

**I don't even know what is happening to my writing, but it is getting worse and worse. Sorry! Never mind! Hope you enjoy the chapter anyway! **


	13. Chapter 13

**Thanks for all your amazing feedback on the last chapter! So, this is a super fat update for me! I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter and I know where I want to get to with this story, but it's taking me longer than expected. I just get ideas in my head and this one line of speech I need to include somehow morphs into an entire chapter... Ooops. Anyway, enjoy a little Paige in this chapter!**

I feel her press against my back before anything else, I'd wanted to stay awake, but I'd ended up falling asleep reading one of Spencer's psychology books. "Hi," She murmurs, her strong arm curling around me, soft hand lacing with mine. My entire body enveloped by everything that is Paige.

"You're back," I yawn happily, leaning my head back and up to claim a kiss, inhaling her scent. I roll over a little to continue kissing those velvet lips that I'd been denied for so long. "How was the meet?" I ask pulling away.

"We did really well." She smiles, kissing me again, reluctant to pull away for even a second. We're at a strange angle so I push myself back against her, pushing her onto her back before I roll over and curl into her chest, legs entwined. She's cold, so I hold her tighter. "The girls swam so well." She hums, I trail my fingers gently over her collarbone.

"Break any records?" I fiddle with the zip on her hoodie. Just having her back feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

"Almost, but not quite. How's your weekend been?" Her fingers twist their way into my hair.

"Lonely." I stroke my hand over her side, reminding myself of every piece of her.

"You've been with the girls almost all weekend," She chuckles.

"I was lonely, not alone." I correct. "I missed you so much, it's actually pathetic." I say seriously, sitting up slightly to look her in the face. God, she's so beautiful. Her eyes shine like they've got stars in them, her cheeks rosy from cold. She sucks her lips into her mouth trying not to laugh, I pat her chest, "Hey! I'm serious, I'm like, damn near dependant on you."

"No, you're not." She laughs, pulling me in for another kiss. "I missed you, too." There's that smile that both makes and breaks my heart. "Also, not cool what you did yesterday." She narrows her eyes teasingly. "_So_ _not cool_."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I smirk, knowing exactly what she's talking about.

"Baby," She pulls me further up the bed, I tangle our legs together and she raises her brows.

"_Oh_." I widen my eyes, like I've just gotten it, I choose to completely ignore the Hanna situation for now, it can most definitely wait. "You mean the photo I sent you? I just didn't want to buy something you didn't like. I thought it was best I checked with you first."

"So thoughtful," She purrs, pushing me into the bed, climbing on top of me.

"Knew you'd appreciate it." I smirk, feeling her gentle lips graze my neck, her leg that rests between mine wanders further up to press against me eliciting a breathy moan from my lips, "Baby," I whine desperately, her lips exploring my skin. My hands tangle in her soft tresses, tugging on it so her lips will meet mine. She shifts again, trying to get comfortable, which only makes me moan again as she presses into me harder, I try to be subtle when I begin to grind against her, finding a rhythm. Our actions a result of hormones run wild, because it's been too long and there's been too much teasing. I know I won't have to endure Paige teasing me, stroking me gently, softly nipping everywhere, tonight. I already know I'll be wearing clothes that cover up 90% of my skin to hide the marks and bruises she'll leave in her lustful wake.

"Someone's keen," She mutters, smirking against my lips. I groan when she pulls away. "Must be hormones," Her lips twist into the sweetest smile causing a sigh to escape my chest, because I know she's talking about a different kind of hormone. I need to tell her.

"Princess," I whisper breathlessly, "Can we just," I want her so much. "… Talk." I pant.

"Em, given that reaction I don't think you're up for talking…" She looks at me suspiciously; her eyes searching mine, which I already know are clouded over with lust and want. She brings a hand up to trail up and down my side, fingering the edge of the soft cotton so she can slide her hand up my shirt, fingers trailing up over my stomach to just under my breasts. I bite my lip and try to keep my cool, but my body betrays me when I arch into the air, desperate for her fingers to inch just a little further up. "I thought you missed me." She kisses my neck again, drawing intricate patterns on my skin with her fingers.

"I did, _I do_. I just, I want to talk and hold you for a little bit." I duck my head so she can't see me and try to get my hips to stop rolling into her. She can tell how much I want her, God, she can probably _feel_ it, and I know how much she wants me, too. It kills me to deny her this right now, but I have to, because I can't go on letting her think that there's an egg implanted in my uterus wall right now, when she couldn't be more wrong.

"Of course we can." She rolls off me, "But under one condition," I look over to her, "These need to go." She fingers the material of my (her) t-shirt and shorts. I giggle and kiss her cheek, complying promptly.

"You're still cold." I complain once we're cuddling, skin on skin, which admittedly does nothing to stop my resolve crumbling and I guess that had been her reasoning behind us getting naked. Deep down I know I can't be that intimate with her when I'm keeping such a secret from her.

"The heating packed up in my car." She says quietly, "I'll take it to the garage this week. How are the girls anyway?" She asks.

"Hanna and Caleb are good, they're planning Luca's birthday." I smile, excited to see my niece turn three. "It's a princess party, that means dress up. Guess everyone else will get to see you as the princess I see you as."

She lets out a laugh that vibrates through her chest sending shivers down my spine, "We'll have to see about that." Her slender fingers draw random patterns on my skin, "How're Spence and Toby? I spoke to her earlier in the week, she seemed happier. She invited us over on Tuesday."

"Yeah, she asked me too, I said we'd try, but you work late, so…" I leave that open, not wanting to start anther argument, but wanting her to realise how late she works, "They're getting on better now. Spud has taken the attention off a baby for a while so both of them are happy. Spence gets to not have kids for a while and Toby gets a puppy, win-win." I laugh. I'd not told Paige about Spencer's pregnancy, she'd told Toby in the end and as predicted, he'd supported her in wanting to wait.

"Good, it's awful to see them fighting." She's quiet for a moment, "I can't imagine Spencer as a mum." She says thoughtfully, "Not right now anyway, she's just so straight laced, you know? I'm so surprised she let Toby get away with getting a puppy." She laughs again and it tickles my ears and sparks the guilt in me. I'm suitably drowning in guilt when her soft hand curls to rest on my stomach, drawing lazy patterns there. "I think we'll be just the right amount of fun and strict."

"Pay," I sigh, pushing her hand off. "We need to talk." I feel her still beside me, like she already knows what's coming. "I didn't tell you at the time because I thought it would be better if you didn't know. It would only make you upset and you had to leave. I knew you'd want to stay home and you'd skip work, but you can't afford to do that, so I didn't tell you." I ramble shakily.

"Spit it out, Em." She whispers, sadly.

"I got my period. I'm so sorry, baby." I choke out around the lump in my throat. I don't know what hurts more, finally admitting this out loud, or hurting Paige, again. Paige is quiet for a while before she sits up suddenly, throwing her legs over the side of the bed. The temperature in the room seems to plummet and the air thickens. She drops her head into her hands and takes a few deep and shaky breaths. I don't know what to do other than watch. She yanks open her bedside draws and pulls a long white t-shirt over her head. I crawl over to her and just hold her, pressing my chest against her back, hopeful she'll feel my heart racing in my chest.

"Why didn't you tell me? Damn it, Emily." Her voice is shaky.

"I didn't tell you because I knew you'd want to stay."

"You're right and I had every right to, you needed me."

"I need you to keep your job, more." I try, afraid to admit that the real reason is selfish beyond belief, that I just didn't want to have to hurt her, that I didn't want to see her upset.

She sobs for a moment; I rest my cheek against her shoulder and cry with her and for the first time I feel our world properly crumble around us. She sits up abruptly, I turn to check the clock and find it's well after one now and raining hard outside. She storms around the room, pulling on sweat pants and a hoodie.

"Paige, what're you doing?" She doesn't answer, just grabs her sneakers from the closet, sits down on the edge of the bed and starts to tie them in the dark of our room. I scuttle over to her and curl around her back, "Princess," I try, placing a light kiss to her shoulder, "please." I'm begging.

"I'm going to take a drive."

"Let me-"

"Alone." She states with a sense of finality that I can't argue with.

"Please, don't leave me." I whimper, tears leaking down my face. She doesn't look back as she grabs her keys and pulls open the door.

"Go back to bed, Emily." She calls over her shoulder before she shuts the door with unnecessary force, hurries down the stairs and out the front door.

I curl up in our empty bed now and try not to cry, one of us has to be strong and I think I've relied on that being Paige for too long. I'd hated her painfully optimistic attitude before, but now I think I'd rather endure that than see her like this. All I'd wanted was for her to show how much it hurt her, for her to just cry with me for a while. I realise now that that definitely isn't what I want, it's the last thing I want in fact. The effort to not cry drains all my remaining energy and I soon find myself waking up despite not having known I'd gone to sleep. I roll over and check the clock, it's just after four and there's light shining bright under the bathroom door. It's open just a crack and the light filters into the room along with the citrusy smell of Paige's body wash and hot steam. I listen for a beat and for a while the sound of swollen water droplets hitting all surrounding surfaces is all I can hear. It's eerie and being unable to hear Paige makes my heart stop, then beat manically in my chest. I creep towards the bathroom door and just as I'm about to open it I hear her, sobbing gently. I know I shouldn't, but when she starts to talk, I listen in. I can't really make out what she's saying, but it gets clearer after a while and I realise she isn't just talking to herself, but praying.

Paige's religion isn't really something we'd spoken too much about. Obviously her family were very religious and she had been too. Her sexuality had been difficult for her family to accept, but they'd come round eventually. She wasn't as religious as her parents and she'd only been to church a few times since we'd been married, but there are times, when she thinks I'm not watching, or while I'm in the bathroom before bed, where I'll catch her praying quietly. I can hear her now and it feels like such an intimate thing to be witnessing. She's so vulnerable right now and I know she'd hate for me to see her like this, but I stand there anyway.

"Why?" She's crying, "I know I'm not how you intended me to be, but aren't Emily and I everything you wanted? We've never done anything bad or unjust." Her voice cracks, "I know I haven't been to church much, but that was only because I thought you wouldn't want me there. If you're meant to love us all, then why are you doing this? Why are you making this so difficult for us? I promise I'll be kinder, I'll donate more to charity, I'll volunteer at the homeless shelter. Please." I've never heard Paige sound so hurt, so broken and it kills me. I know she'd hate for me to see her like this, so I simply creep back into bed and wait for her to join me. It's some time before the shower shuts off and eventually she leaves the bathroom, she doesn't join me in bed though, simply tiptoes out of the room and closes the door softly. I fight with myself to stay in bed, I know she just needs her space. Before exhaustion takes over, I promise myself I'll talk to her tomorrow. That I'll be there for her like I haven't been these past few weeks where I've been selfish and haven't thought about how she might be feeling, just because she was putting on a smile.


	14. Chapter 14

**Ok, this chapter isn't as long as some of the others have been, but I struggled to find a good place to stop it so that it didn't become too long or ridiculously short. I hope you enjoy, I kind of enjoyed writing this. Sorry, I always seem to find it easier to write Paily angst, but fear not! Good times lie ahead! Thank you for sticking with this story despite the seriously slot updates, the bad writing and the lack of Paily fluff! I have the next chapter written so it'll be up within a few days! Thanks again, guys! xx**

The next morning I awake to find Paige's car already gone, she hasn't left a note, which isn't like her. I send her a text saying morning and politely asking if she could come home earlier tonight because we obviously need to talk. I try to act as if it's just another day, but I struggle. I call Paige on her break but it goes straight to voicemail. I feel tears bubble in my eyes at the thought of her ignoring me, but I carry on as normal, resisting the urge to call one of the girls and sob. I know they'd all be supportive, but this feels like something I need Paige to help me with. We need to be there for each other through this. I throw my keys on the table by the door when I get in, finding Paige's car not in the drive, not that I'd expected it to be. She hadn't text me back or called me, so I assumed she'd be home late again. So I'm surprised when I find her in the kitchen, shoulders slumped, chopping vegetables to take to work that week. She's wearing her old Stanford hoody that I love so much I stole it during college, there are a few holes here and there, but somehow that only makes it more comfortable. Her hair is up and she's wearing a pair of my slouchies, simply put, she looks stunning.

"Hey," She gives me an almost smile over her shoulder when I walk in.

"Hello, princess." I wrap my arms around her waist from behind and place a lingering kiss on the back of her neck. I feel her stiffen at the contact and have to bite my lip to stop myself from crying. "Where's your car?" I ask, turning to put the kettle on.

"I left early and dropped it at the garage."

"Did you give them your phone to fix too?" I bite, anger slipping into my tone.

"Sorry, I forgot to charge it last night, it's been dead all day." I sigh, instantly feeling bad for thinking she had been ignoring me. Not that I could blame her if she did.

"Paige," I start, but can't continue when I hear her take a deep steadying breath, a sign that she's already been crying. "Have you made me a salad for tomorrow?" I ask instead.

"No, sorry, I will." She sniffles.

"No, it's fine. I don't really fancy salad anyway." I say truthfully. Having salad every day has gotten so boring.

"No, it's ok, I'll make you one." She moves to grab salad ingredients from the fridge.

"Paige, it's fine, really. I don't want a salad." I turn to grab a cup from the cupboard, "Do you want tea?"

"No, thank you." Her voice so soft it almost breaks me. I hadn't heard this voice since high school and truthfully I'd hoped I'd never hear it again. I ignore her reply and set about making her a hot chocolate anyway, clutching at straws. I add whipped cream and marshmallows and top it with chocolate shavings. I put it in her favourite mug and set it down in front of her while she works on some drills at island in the middle of the kitchen. I hope the puppy dog eyes I give her are enough to make her want to open up to me. But they aren't. She simply lifts her head and offers me the weakest hint of a smile as I nudge it forward with the tips of my fingers.

"Thanks." She mutters as the smile slips from her lips and her head dips back down.

She takes her hot chocolate to the study saying she needs to write down some practice routines, but that it won't take long. After an hour I find myself knocking on the door, gently pushing it open, "Hey," I see her hunched over her laptop, hot chocolate left untouched on the desk. "Are you going to be done soon? Just so I know when to start dinner…"

"Yeah, I'm just signing up to some volunteer work online… Maybe we could do it together?" She asks, turning to look at me with red-rimmed eyes for the first time today. Her hair is in a messy bun on the top of her head, hair escaping everywhere. I'm suddenly thankful I listened in to her last night now. If I hadn't known her reasoning behind volunteering, I'd have snapped and ranted and raved about when we'd have time to volunteer when we barely have time to see each other already.

I give her an encouraging smile as my heart melts, "Of course, that sounds like a brilliant idea." I walk in and lean over her shoulder, "Wow," I say, looking at the kids charity site that's open on her laptop.

"It's for kids with disabilities." She mutters, embarrassed. "I just thought…"

"It sounds fantastic," I kiss her cheek, relishing in the fact that she doesn't freeze up. When I sense that she's done I spin her chair round and straddle her lap. She looks everywhere but at me. "I've been thinking." I play with bits of fabric that tighten her hood, running them between my fingers. "Maybe I could model the clothes I bought the other day, for you?" She stays mute as a blush creeps up her neck, "I use the term 'clothes' lightly, they don't really leave much to the imagination." She clears her throat and swallows, still refusing to meet my gaze. "Please?" I try, knowing she'd cave for sure if she only looked at me.

"What do you want for dinner?" She asks, staring down into her lap. I sigh and lean down, resting my head against hers.

"Please, Paige," I whisper, eyes shut tight. She knows I'm not pleading for her to let me seduce her, I'm pleading for her to open up to me. The worst thing about this is that it's not like a real fight, we aren't angry at each other, ok, maybe she's a little angry with me. But it's that kind of anger than can't be resolved by getting it out of your system in a different way. It's like it's settled deep in the pit of her stomach, laying there dormant, unwavering like a black cloud. This can't be fixed so easily and I know it kills me as much as it does Paige that we have to watch the other suffer and know there's not a lot we can do about it.

"I'm thinking pasta," She suggests, her voice about to crack. I grit my teeth so I don't break down, determined to be strong. I cradle her face in my hands and pull it up to meet me, forcing her to look me in the eye. I lean in and kiss her, it's not the same. It's sad and empty. There's no want in it and when Paige's breathing becomes erratic, I know it's because she's starting to cry, not because she wants to jump my bones.

"Pasta sounds great," I concede, removing myself from her lap, hand clasped tightly around hers as I drag her out of the study and down the stairs to the kitchen.

* * *

"What're you doing?" I walk into the kitchen to find Paige cutting tomatoes; I fill my flask with tea and curl myself into her side, placing a soft kiss on her cheek.

"I'm making you salad, I didn't do it yesterday and you have nothing to take. Sorry, I should have just made you one." She apologises, continuing to cut.

"I said I didn't want a salad, princess." I say, stilling her hand.

"It's almost done now."

"Thanks, but I'm really getting sick of salad, I'll just grab something at work."

"Look, I'm sorry I didn't make it last night, it just slipped my mind. I wasn't trying to be shitty with you." She grumbles, shrugging me off, continuing to put salad ingredients into a box for me.

"Paige, stop. I don't want a salad!" I can't help getting annoyed, I don't want a salad and she isn't listening. Sometimes her being so cute and attentive is really frustrating, she's so oblivious.

"It's fine, I'm sorry, I've made it now." She shakes her head, placing the lid on and pushing it into my chest.

"Why are you so insistent I have a salad? Is that what this is about? Because I've gained a little weight?" I fume, grabbing the box from her and throwing it back onto the counter. I don't know if I'd gained weight or not, but if she thinks I should go on a diet then she should just come out and say it.

"What?" She eyes the box I've just thrown onto the counter, her brow furrowed. "Emily, you're being stupid." She shakes her head, like I'm completely insufferable.

"_I'm_ being stupid?" I let out a bark of laughter and quirk a brow at her, "I'm not the one who refuses to talk about how we feel." I say. "If you think I need to diet, Paige, you should just say it. Lord knows you're already keeping everything else bottled up."

She scoffs, "I can't," Shakes her head at me, "I can't do this right now." She grabs her bag, "I'll take my bike to work."

* * *

"Hi," Spencer greets me with a warm smile and a big hug, "Where's Paige?" I lean down to pet Spud, ignoring her question for a minute. She raises her brows at me when I stand up, awaiting an answer.

I shrug, "Probably still at work." I step around her and make my way into the living room to avoid further questioning. After our argument this morning Paige and I hadn't spoken, again unusual for us because usually if we'd argued like this one of us would have text the other saying 'sorry' and make an attempt to make up for what had happened.

"Hi, there, trouble!" I open my arms wide for Luca to clamber into, the first honest smile appearing on my face all day.

"Aunty Emmy!" She shouts, tiny arms wrapping around my neck as I lift her up, settling her on my hip. "It's my birthday." She smiles, eyes bright with excitement as Hanna stands to greet me.

"No, it isn't, silly." I say, "Your birthday is next week, are you excited?" I ask and she lets out a little squeak of excitement. Hanna gives me a hug on my other side. "I'm super excited, do I get to be a princess, too?" I ask.

"Yes!" She shouts, "and Aunty Paige!" I smile at her, thankful she's not yet able to realise that it doesn't reach my eyes, and place her back on the floor to play with Spud.

"Speaking of-" Hanna starts, but I cut her off, not wanting to talk about it.

"I love your dress! Your boobs look great in it!" I gush, saying what I assume Hanna wants to hear. An instant smile appears on her face.

"Hey, back off, ok?" Caleb chastises jokingly. "Where is McCullers, anyway?" He asks.

"I'm so glad we could all get together, aren't you?" I say, grabbing a glass of something undoubtedly expensive and alcoholic from Toby, regardless of whether it was meant for me or not. I catch Hanna and Caleb eyeing each other and choose to keep conversation going so as not to leave any silence for them to ask questions in. "Are Aria and Ezra here yet?" I take a long sip, the bubbles fizzing in my nose.

"No," Hanna looks confused, "Not yet."

We chat aimlessly for a while about nothing important, everyone is very careful to avoid the subject of my absent wife and I'm thankful for it. We're in the middle of discussing how Hanna is going to force a proposal out of Caleb when the doorbell rings. "That'll be Paige," Spencer leaps up having checked the wall clock for the time and gives me a look I can't define, it's somewhere between apprehension and confusion. I resist the urge to roll my eyes as all my friends train their eyes on me, no doubt to check my reaction.


	15. Chapter 15

I excuse myself to use the bathroom before they return, but Paige accosts me in the hallway. "You're late." I accuse, more for something to say than anything else.

She shrugs, "You knew I would be," I give her a look that says I had expected her to be on time, but say nothing. She sighs and drags me into the bathroom. "Can we at least try to not make this awkward? I don't want to make everyone else uncomfortable." My eyes rake over her and I take note that she's changed out of her work clothes. She's wearing a cute white cotton and lace blouse tucked into slim leg black linen trousers and some black heels, so at current she's standing a little taller than I am. Her hair is in a bun at the back of her head, a few strands escaping around her face. She looks stunning.

"Why would anyone be uncomfortable? I wasn't aware we were making others feel awkward." I feign ignorance and get to work staring intently at my nails.

"I just meant I don't want to argue in front of our friends." She rolls her eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me, Paige." I'm toeing the line of another argument here, but I don't care, maybe subconsciously I want to get a rise out of her.

"Is this about the salad?" She asks, annoyed.

"No." I bark, "I mean, partly. It's an accumulation of how you've been acting lately." I say. "I just need you to tell me how you're feeling, I need you to let me in. I know this is hard, it's hard for me too, ok? I need support as much as you do, but I can't provide or receive that if you refuse to fucking talk to me." I think had Paige been in an argumentative mood this could have quite easily lead to us having sex in this bathroom, but all my hopes are quelled when she begins her next sentence with a defeated sigh.

"Can we talk about this at home, please?" She leans in, in an attempt to kiss me, but I turn my head. "I really am sorry about the salad, I honestly just thought you were saying you didn't want a salad because I hadn't made one and that you really _did _want one." She confesses sadly, I raise a brow. Typical Paige to over complicate things. "And I don't for one minute think you need to go on a diet," She grabs my waist despite me trying to squirm and push her away. I stare at the brilliant white tiles on the walls and attempt to estimate their worth, hands coming to a rest on her chest to make her keep her distance. "I love you." She admits finally, "I love all of you," She continues, her tone a breath above a whisper. She starts kissing my neck, which I'd accidentally given her more access to as I tilted my head to follow the tiles up the wall. A gasp escapes my parted lips as my eyes flutter closed when she reaches that special point that she knows drives me wild. It had been too long since she'd kissed me like this. "Do you think they'll notice if we're gone a little longer?" I feel her smirk against me, her hands grabbing at my hips hungrily, pulling me impossibly closer. I moan when she pushes me against the wall, her lips still paying attention to the skin of my neck. "I want to fuck you so bad, baby." I try to ignore how loudly I moan when those filthy words drip from her needy lips.

"Fuck, Paige," Her name is unintentionally moaned when her leg finds its place between mine and I'm eternally thankful I'm wearing a dress. "Shit," My breathing is getting heavy at the prospect of what this could turn into. "I love you." I gasp out, because it had been too long since I'd reminded her of that fact.

A loud, angry knock on the door interrupts us, "No sex in my bathroom!" Spencer shouts. "_Out. Now_." She commands. I erupt into a fit of giggles and Paige turns a violent shade of red. Suddenly I'm seventeen again in my bedroom having just convinced Paige she can be quiet while I set to work with my fingers, only to have my mother shout down the hall about open doors. She dips her head and it's about the cutest thing ever. I'm fairly certain that the 'Paige McCullers head dip' is the cutest thing since puppies. It's adorable and honestly, it's the reason we're always late for social events. Because Paige can't accept a compliment without dipping her head bashfully, and I can't help wanting to do bad things to her when she's so shy and sexy at the same time.

I look away, biting my lip to keep myself from laughing too much and to refrain from taking her right there. I'm about to say we should probably leave before I hear Paige curse under her breath, her eyes trained on my neck. "What?" I ask, hand flying to my neck before I turn to look in the ornate silver mirror on the wall. "Paige!" I groan at the red mark blossoming beneath my fingers. She gives me a bashful, apologetic smile that makes me forgive her instantly.

"I'm waiting!" Spencer shouts impatiently from outside the door and I can already see her, hand on hip, foot tapping. "I will pick this lock if you're not out in the next thirty seconds, I really couldn't care less if I see Emily on her knees in there." I pull the door open and tilt my head questioningly at her.

"Happy?" I ask, her eyes train in on my neck and a smirk appears on her lips, I roll my eyes. "Really? Paige pulled _me_ into the bathroom and yet I'm still the top?" I slap a hand over my neck because Spencer is still giving me _that _look.

Spencer rolls her eyes, "I know McCullers wouldn't dare initiate sex in my house." She shakes her head, "You on the other hand…" She narrows her eyes at me before she walks away, happy that we're out and fully clothed. I clutch at my neck and bat my hand at my laughing wife before pulling my hair round to hang over my shoulder and cover the mark she'd made there.

"How did you get this reputation of being all innocent?" I ask, shaking my head completely bemused. "Should I tell everyone about the locker room incident?"

"Which time?" A cocky grin appears on her face at the memories and I push her shoulder.

"Exactly!" I grab her hand, "Come here." I wrap my arms around her neck and kiss her properly for the first time in two days. She kisses me back, it's playful, passionate, and a promise of what is to come later tonight when she bites my lip. Before anything can develop the patter of tiny feet interrupts us, I sense Luca was sent to make sure we weren't doing anything we shouldn't be.

"Aunty Pay!" She shouts excitedly, bouncing on her tiny feet. If there's one person Luca loves more than me, outside of her immediate family, it's Paige.

"Hey there, Lucy-Loo!" She picks her up and hugs her tight, "I haven't seen you in forever, you little monster. Someone tells me it's your birthday next week!" She gushes, "And I am _so _excited to come to your princess party!"

"Missed you." I catch Luca mutter, her blonde head buried deep into my perfect wife's neck. I wish I didn't, but I catch how Paige absolutely melts and holds her tighter, her smile widening, her eyes so bright they could blind me.

"I missed you more," Paige kisses the top of her head, lingering a little. "So, what toys have you got for us to play with? You know, mean Aunty Emmy doesn't let me have _any _toys at our house!" The pout on her face makes me want to take her home right now and show her the _toys_ we do have.

"Aunty Emmy!" Luca rebukes as complete shock horror forms on her face. She stares at me aghast, like she can't believe I'd perform such an injustice, clutching Paige tighter. "Nasty." An adorable pout appears on both of their faces. Were it not for Luca, Paige would be back in that bathroom shivering under my touch right now. I resist the urge to kiss the pout from her lips. How has she got me from absolutely furious to _this_ in the space of ten minutes? I'm happy to ignore the fact that we do still need to talk and that this isn't the end of our fighting, but just for now.

"It's ok. That just means I'll have to see you more!" Paige says excitedly, jiggling a laughing Luca on her hip. I can't deny how picture perfect it is, how good she is with kids, how how infuriating and adorable it is that she has next to no idea the effect she has on me.

* * *

"I can't believe it's your third anniversary on Monday." Aria says regarding Paige and I when we're sat around the table after dinner, she shakes her head in disbelief. "Jesus, I can remember your wedding like it was yesterday." She stares pointedly at Hanna.

"What?" Hanna almost growls, "I couldn't have _done _anything." Her blue eyes roll like marbles around in her head and settle on looking past me to the little girl on the floor playing with my wife. I follow her eye and find Paige lying on her stomach, Luca lying beside her, the pair of them colouring peacefully. Paige is making encouraging comments every now and then with that goofy smile that I fell in love with, asking Luca about colours and suggesting things to draw.

"I'm just thankful Luca didn't decide to come during the wedding. I think I'd still be paying for damages now. Hanna in labour was _not _pretty." I laugh at the memory. Hanna wasn't due for another three weeks, but obviously Luca wanted out to see Paige and I before we went on our honeymoon the next day. Hanna had been mostly fine throughout the day, only complaining of back pain and a little cramp. She'd laughed it off and said it was fine, but I do have vivid memories of her cursing me out for making her wear a dress 'in her state'. I did remind her that I had planned my wedding first, so, you know. _Shrug_. But around ten she'd complained of cramp and left early with Caleb, only to ring us at three in the morning to announce that she was most definitely in labour and that I was to 'stop having sex right now' because she wanted me in the room with her when she gave birth, because 'Caleb isn't seeing _that_. He'd never want to have sex with me again!' and Ashley was away with work, having not expected this turn of events.

"Busy week for you." Spencer says, "Your anniversary, Luca's birthday and Luca's party." She smirks, "Am I forgetting anyone?" She nudges Paige's arm with her ankle boot clad foot. Paige just pushes her off and rolls her caramel eyes, mumbles something about colouring and gets back to it, her tongue edging gently out the corner of her mouth like it does when she concentrates hard on something. "What is it this year, twenty six? Getting old McCullers, best watch what you're doing, next time you get on the floor you might not be able to get back up." Spencer jokes.

"Aww, hey now." I chastise, beginning to draw my foot up and down Paige's leg. "Ignore her, princess." I coo, pulling her up onto my lap when she makes to get off the floor, "I know you can still move." I smirk, nuzzling her neck.

Spencer makes a gagging noise, "Yeah, I almost saw that when you attacked her as soon as she walked through the door."

I scoff and point unabashedly to my neck, "I attacked her? Yeah, ok." This causes everyone to laugh and call out at us. A blush creeps up Paige's face, so I kiss her cheek in way of apology. Talk soon turns to what we've got planned for Paige's birthday, which as of yet is nothing. With everything going on recently, we hadn't planned anything, nothing for either Paige's birthday or our anniversary. Not that we would have made a huge fuss about it, that's more an Aria or Hanna thing to do.

"I imagine you'll just be doing what you almost did in my bathroom for the entire day." Spencer rolls her eyes pretending to be annoyed at us, causing everyone else at the table to laugh, again at our expense and Paige to bury her head into my chest, my fingers drawing patterns up and down her thighs. It's a running joke through the group that Paige and I are always having sex. Which really isn't true. Well, not of late anyway. It might have been previously when we were most definitely late to all social gatherings, or mysteriously disappeared during them. But really, looking at Paige could any of them really blame me? She gives my thigh a squeeze and extracts herself from my lap.

"We should go camping for your birthday!" Hanna declares raising an almost empty glass of wine. I'm sure we all sport the same look of confusion when she says it; I look to everyone else to confirm I'm not hearing things.

"You're kidding?" Aria's brow is so creased I don't think it'll ever be smooth again. "Han, you're the least outdoorsy person I know."

"I am outdoorsy!" Hanna argues with a pout.

"Yeah, as in you get drunk and fall asleep outside." Spencer jokes, I can't help but laugh because Hanna really hates nature and being away from electronics. Drinking outside in the garden is literally as close as she gets. And as far as camping goes, I think her passing out, drunk, in the bushes in Aria's garden is as close as she's ever likely to get to sleeping under the stars. Hanna just rolls her eyes while we all crack up laughing. I look over to my wife and catch her choking, attempting not to laugh too much at the memory as she gives me a knowing look. A formal meal at the Fitz household had turned raucous after one too many alcoholic beverages, which _naturally _lead to shots and subsequently a very competitive Paige who insisted she could drink more than Hanna. In any normal situation the answer is a resounding no, but given Hanna was already completely zonked, Paige actually won. So to celebrate we'd gone outside for a little fresh air, which somehow (blame Paige and her wandering hands), turned into us making out, only for us to stumble and end up lying in the bushes. Just as hands were travelling lower another body fell down beside us, slurring her words. Thankfully Hanna doesn't remember a thing about how she found us or any conversation we had after. Safe to say we'd neglected to tell anyone we were the first in the bushes that night…

"I think you've had enough to drink now." Caleb wraps his arm around her, still stifling a laugh while Hanna leans over to whisper something in his ear.

"I don't know about too much to drink, something must be wrong with her if she's suggesting going camping." Ezra scoffs. "Spence will have to psychoanalyse her."

"Alright, old man, pipe down." Hanna shakes her head, done with the teasing as Aria pouts at Ezra, giving his arm a gentle stroke as if to apologize. "We'd best be off now anyway, it's already way past Luca's bedtime." Hanna checks her watch. There's a collective groan around the table and from Luca, who scrambles up onto Paige's lap, "You'll all understand soon enough what it's like."

"Speaking of, when are you two going to try again? We can't wait to meet the next McCullers." Toby asks Paige and I, taking a drink of his beer. He's sports a similar look as Paige when Luca is around. I suspect although Spud has waylaid their plans for a child for a while, he's still keen to start a family sooner rather than later.

Paige and I share a look, "We're going to wait a while." Paige answers, hands running through Luca's soft hair. Her answer betraying the look on her face, which clearly says she'd probably steal Luca if she could.

"It's clearly not the right time." I say offering a sad smile.

"We're not going to wait too long though." Paige adds quickly and it feels more like she's talking to me than anyone else.

"Well, not too long, but it's not going to be too soon either." I reply, again a statement directed more to my wife than our friends. "Maybe like a year." I finish, my gaze landing on Paige to see her face fall. There's silence around the table as everyone obviously feels the tension between us and I hate myself for it. I regret the words as soon as they've left my mouth. Not because they aren't true, but because I should have spoken to Paige privately about it first. But she really can't blame me with how closed off she's being; maybe we'd have discussed this sooner if she'd just talked to me.

Sensing the tension, Spencer quickly interjects, "Would anyone like a coffee?"

We thank Toby and Spencer for the evening and tell them we'll come back for Paige's bike later in the week, trying our best to appear cheery despite the tension bubbling under the surface after my outburst at dinner. We bundle into my car and it's like as soon as the doors are shut the gates of hell open. Fire comes tumbling from both our mouths the moments the locks click in the doors.

**Hey, guys! Super quick update! Thanks for everyone that read and reviewed the last ****chapter! I know I don't get round to replying, but I really do seriously appreciate them! Knowing people don't think my writing is complete shit makes me more inclined to continue! I guess in this chapter I just like the idea that even though they're fighting Paily can't keep their hands off each other, they still love each other inexhaustible amounts and they just can't seem to stay mad! I'm sorry for the serious lack of the other couples, especially Ezria! I just find both Ezra and Aria really difficult and as for Haleb and Spoby, well they'd be in this more if the girls saw them as couples, but unfortunately this being in Emily's perspective we only see what she does, which is more often than not the girls on their own! I will do my best to get the other couples in there and maybe get a double date in, providing Paily can be civil enough to get out of the house together! **


	16. Chapter 16

Too many swear words leave both of our mouths, the passion from earlier transgressing into pure anger.

"Were you planning on telling me we're not having kids for another year? Or were you just going to keep stringing me along?" Paige asks furiously. I pull out into the road, jerking the wheel too hard.

"I just assumed this was a mutual thing, we discussed that this wasn't the right time." I say, equally as angry, but I'm trying to keep my cool so I don't kill us on the drive home.

"Fuck off. Mutual how? You never spoke to me about waiting _that long_. When I said it wasn't the right time I meant this current cycle and you know it."

"Can this argument wait until we get home?" I fume, feeling my stomach churn and my throat begin to constrict.

"No. It can't. But then again, we could just not have it and then later you can pretend like we did." She quips, glaring at me.

"Paige, shut up for a minute, will you?" I swallow down saliva and take a sharp right.

"And I'm the one who doesn't want to talk about how I'm feeling?" I catch her shake her head from the corner of my eye. "So fucking hypocritical, Emily."

"Please," I knock on the air con, "Just be quiet for a minute." My tone is softer now because truthfully I'm a little frightened to open my mouth, lest I vomit all over the windscreen. I wipe the sweat from my brow. In a strange way I'm thankful, because it scares me to think what could be said by both of us when we're this angry.

"Are you ok?" Paige's voice is gentler now, more cautious, but still angry; she reaches over and takes my trembling clammy hand.

"I'm going to be sick." I unbuckle before I pull over and I'm sure I'm out the car before it's even come to a full stop.

"Shhh." Paige fusses, stroking the hair back from my face, rubbing soothing patterns into my back. I stand on shaky legs and curl into her chest despite myself, seeking the warmth and constancy of her steady heartbeat. "Oh, Em." She tips my head up to meet her, her sparkling eyes meeting my glossy ones. "Stupid question, but are you ok?" She asks, pulling me back into her chest. She shakes off her leather jacket and places it over my shoulders when she feels me shiver against her.

"Yeah, guess the wine just hit me wrong." I say because it can't be the food, because we all ate the same and Paige is fine.

"Hm, come on. Lets get you home to bed." She puts me in the car and places a sweet kiss atop my head before climbing into the drivers' side.

* * *

I'm already in bed, facing away from her when Paige enters the bedroom from her shower. She brings with her the warmth of steam and the scent of her citrusy body wash. She slides in behind me and kisses my shoulder. "How do you feel?"

"I'm fine." I snap. I don't want her to be nice to me because I'm sick. Just because I'm sick doesn't mean we aren't allowed to fight. But I can't keep it up because after a minute or two of silence I whisper piteously "Will you braid my hair?"

"Of course I will." She replies almost immediately, setting down her book and pulling me in front of her into her lap. The air feels thick with all the things that are being left unsaid, but now just isn't the right time and we both know it. I'm sure Paige senses it too, that to try to talk about our issues now would just spiral back into another argument and deep down neither of us want that, because we don't argue like we did before. We don't argue and shout then fuck and make up four hours later, we go to bed angry and wake up sad. "So," Paige starts, "Would you rather…" She trails off for a second, starting the stupid game we used to play before bed when we were 16 and open door policies prevented us from doing anything else, "Be the best player on the worst team, or the worst player on the best team?"

"Best player on the worst team." I answer instantly. Paige hums and I know she'd have answered the same. "Would you rather get even, or get over it?"

"Is this a trick question?" I can tell she's only half joking. I laugh and shake my head, no. "Get over it." She says, then pauses her ministrations with my hair, "Wait." She pauses to think, "Depends what they've done." Then another pause, "And how old I am, because I feel like this answer has changed since I was sixteen."

I reach my hands back so they're cradling the back of her head and pull her towards my back, turning my head to meet her there. "You're thinking too much about it." I kiss her nose, "Let's go with 'get over it'."

"Ok. This is a good one. Would you rather be top or bottom tonight?" She bites my neck as a chuckle rattles through my chest. I push her away laughing when we've both calmed down a little I lean back into her so she can finish my hair, "Would you rather never use the internet again or never watch TV again?"

I groan, "I love them both."

"Choose one." She whispers in my ear before pulling back, shuffling around in the bedside draw for a hair tie and finishing my hair. When she's done I turn round in her lap to face her, legs crossed.

"No internet." I say with a confident nod, having given it much thought. "I think I like the idea of life before the internet, yeah it's great, but I waste so much time on it. Anyway, I like when we relax and curl up on the sofa watching TV and I wouldn't be able to do that, so…" I shrug.

"I don't know, I like when we both sit together on our laptops not talking and barely touching." She jokes, pretending to look pensive. I throw a pillow at her and launch myself under the covers before she can retaliate. She clicks off the lamp and lies down beside me on her back, not our usual position of one of us spooning the other. I decide not to push it and try to pass off my sigh as a yawn.

"Night, Pay." She mutters a goodnight and we both pretend to drift off into sleep.

* * *

The week passes quickly, far too quickly. Before I know where I'm at it's Sunday evening. Paige and I hadn't had any more huge arguments, but we still weren't talking properly. We'd not made plans for either our anniversary tomorrow, or Paige's birthday on Thursday, we'd only managed to agree on going to see Luca on Tuesday for her birthday and that we'd give her presents then and leave one for her party on Saturday.

"Do you want to go out for dinner tomorrow?" Paige asks, but it's more a sigh, as I flick through a magazine in bed, not reading it. It feels like she's asking more because it's customary we go for a nice meal, than because either of us would want to. I place my magazine in my lap and turn to her, she puts the envelope she's presently using as a bookmark between her current pages and copies my movements.

"We could eat in?" I say. "Would save us some money."

"We don't need to worry about money." She says, "I was saving…" She trails off here, swallows down the end of her sentence, although I already know what she was saving for, "I have savings." She amends.

"Well," I look away, "They're savings for a reason. I don't really feel like eating out. I haven't had much of an appetite."

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, fine." I answer. The tone of the conversation bordering on bored. "So," I say, for the first time ever I find myself struggling to make conversation with her. We'd never struggled here, not ever. It scares me that we can just have nothing to say to each other. That we've somehow exhausted all conversation topics, or that we just don't care for what the other has to say anymore.

"I'll try to get off work early and we can have a nice meal in?" She tries, a soft smile on her face now. I return it and nod a little.

"That sounds good, did you want to order in?"

"Yeah, ordering in sounds great," She places her book on the bedside table and leans over to kiss me. It's soft and reliable. I kiss her back steadily not wanting to pull away, wanting to feel that tug in my stomach when she'd moan and kiss me harder, more insistently, hungrily, passionately. But it doesn't come, she just pulls away and smiles at me, "It's been a while since we did this. It'll be a nice change." A nice change from arguing over dinner or eating in separate rooms like we had been doing all week, I think. I say nothing and smile back, hoping that maybe something will be different, better even. I drop my magazine onto the floor as she turns off the lamp and lies down on her back. I bite my lip to prevent a sigh floating out of my mouth and roll over, away from her, pulling the blanket with me, something that was never an issue given we slept curled around each other anyway, but it was becoming more of a problem given Paige now did occupy the other side of the bed and usually woke up with no blanket. I let go reluctantly, I like having something to hold onto when I sleep, mutter a sorry and feel Paige pull a tiny amount of blanket back, not enough to be coving her.

* * *

I pace in my office for a good twenty minutes. I feel confused and conflicted. Things with Paige still aren't back to normal, I know she's trying to act like we can get there, but I know we're both struggling. I don't know what to do for the best, whether that's to try to have a nice evening tonight, or try to talk about it and risk having a fight on our anniversary. I assume the former, I don't want to fight with Paige, period, never mind on our anniversary. Having made that decision I continue to pace. I know there's someone who can help me, but I'm reluctant to call. I know she'll be more than happy to help and takes a vested interest in our relationship, but still. I don't want to be admitting to anyone, not even really myself, how bad things have gotten between Paige and I. They're so bad in fact, that they no longer seem bad because us not talking and constantly bickering has become the norm. Don't get me wrong, constant bickering for Hanna and Caleb is completely normal, I'd be concerned if I didn't get at least one call a week from my blonde friend confessing their relationship was over because he left the toilet seat up again. But bickering just wasn't something Paige and I ever did. Neither of us is dramatic enough to take things to heart like Hanna does.

I swallow my pride and make the call.

"I need your help." I roll my eyes, something I seem to be doing more often than not these days, hating myself for even having to ask.

**Ok. This chapter is a little(super) short, but hey, it's quick? I hope you guys enjoy it, as much as possible. Also, I recently got an idea for a new story. Paily, obviously. It'd be about their relationship in high school etc. I've written the first chapter and it's in third person, which is something I struggle with, so I really want to try to get past that! I'm not sure if/when I'll upload that, but keep an eye out and you might see it at some point! **


	17. Chapter 17

"I need your help." I roll my eyes, something I seem to be doing more often than not these days, hating myself for even having to ask.

"What with Emmykins?" Hanna asks, her voice airy. "Oh! Happy anniversary!" I guess she hears the fortuitous sigh that escapes my lips, "Or not…"

"That's kind of what I need your help with." I admit.

"I know you keep saying there's nothing up with you and Paige, but I'm sorry to say that everyone could tell that there was at Spencer's dinner last week." She says in her Hanna-Marin-pulls-no-punches tone. "Is it the sex again?" I groan, "Oh my God" She gasps and how she knows is completely beyond me. "How long, Em?"

"I don't know. I haven't been counting." I bite out.

"_Emily._"

"Ok, maybe like three weeks, a month." I grit my teeth because saying it out loud makes me realise we're in deeper shit than I thought. I try to rack my brains for the last time we did have sex, determined to remember a quicky we've had in the last month. I account it to maybe two, three weeks after the last time we tried to get pregnant which was maybe six weeks ago. How have we gone this long? How has that much time passed?

"EMILY!" Hanna almost screeches down the phone, making me pull it away from my ear violently so as not to be made permanently deaf. "You're kidding. You're definitely kidding. _That's not even possible_. How is it physically possible to sleep in a bed with someone as hot as Paige," I shoot her a warning here, because we might not have had sex in a while, but she's still _my_ wife, "and not have sex with them? _For three weeks._"

"I know! I know!" I draw my hands through my hair. "We've just had some stuff to work out." I guess that's right because we hadn't had sex for various reasons until I got my period and there was another week we didn't have sex because I couldn't let Paige know about it, then the week after when she found out and we've been arguing since. "Three weeks isn't even that long." I say, trying to put this into perspective.

"Emily, you had sex _more than three times a week_ when you were living with your mom and she made you keep the door open and Paige's dad was a fucking weirdo."

"Hey, Nick's ok." I chastise.

"Not the point." She says, she's talking faster than normal. "Aren't you both, like, really fucking horny?"

"Where are you?" I ignore her question.

"In the office. It's fucking packed in here and there's so much shit to do and I haven't finished my design for the fucking winter line and my neck is on the fucking line here." I'd called knowing Hanna was on her lunch break, but maybe I wouldn't have if I'd known all this, or if I knew she was going to act the way she is, I didn't call for a verbal bashing.

"Wow, ok. Do you want me to-"

"No! You need my help. Jesus, your crisis is bigger than mine." I hear papers shuffle. "I think you might need a drink for what I'm about to say next." I take a deep breath and tell her to continue, "Ok. So you know for anniversary's they have those different gifts you give at each one? So like diamond, paper, whatever. Well, your third is actually leather…"

"No." I interrupt immediately, knowing exactly where she's going with this. "Not in a million years."

I can practically hear her roll her eyes at my prudence, but there is no way I'm wearing leather underwear or the like. "Listen to me, Em. All I'm saying is, you know that leather jacket you have? Ok, so Paige loves it. Like _really loves it._ If you know what I'm saying here, Em, which I suspect you don't given your dry spell. What I mean is when you wear it, Paige thinks about sex. Sex with you. She gets wet thinking about sex with you." I draw a hand over my face as she reiterates and can feel the heat radiating from my burning cheeks. "I'm just saying when she comes in from work she's going to find you wearing said leather jacket, your sexist, skimpiest thong and a pair of killer heels. Nothing. Else. Are you hearing me, Em? _Nothing else_. Paige loves your tits and when you don't wear a bra, so don't put extra barriers in the way. Lord knows she's been tortured enough as it is. Maybe just zip your jacket up and leave it as a nice reveal or a present for her to find, ok?"

"Han." I'm cringing, although her idea does sound incredibly sexy.

"Look, Emily, if the thought of what Paige will do to you when she finds you like that doesn't make you fucking wet then I don't think I can help you." She says a little aggressively. I have to admit that she's right, that the thought of seeing the fire in Paige's eyes, to feel her rough touch on my skin because of what I'm wearing does make me squirm.

"Ok, thanks, Han."

"Leave your hair down too. She knows you like when she pulls it when she's fucking you hard from behind." How cavalierly she says this makes me seriously question both her boundaries as a person and Paige's if she's telling her all this.

"HANNA!" I can't contain the shout that climbs up my throat. "Stop now. Your knowledge of my sex life and what my wife does and doesn't like in bed was helpful, but now it's just _not right_." I say because she really needs to tone it down and this is a step too far, even for her. I can hear her rambling on the other end of the line about thinking Paige just hadn't told her any sexy details in a while because I'd had a word with her, but not a lot of what she's saying makes sense. I pull up short and stop her persistent jabbering. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Yes." She replies breathlessly, "It's fucking boiling in here. Surely it's not even legal to have this many people in this small a place. Jesus fucking Christ on a bike."

"Are you off it?" I ask cautiously, "Are you sniffing?" There's a long pause on her end that answers my question, "Fuck, Han." I don't know what to do for the best, "Don't take any more." I say firmly. "Ok? Hanna you need to sober up before you go home to Caleb and your _three year old daughter_." I argue, I'm tempted to bring up the fact that she'll be on a comedown tomorrow, _on her daughter's birthday_, but I don't, sensing that it won't help the situation.

"I know. I just, the pressure, you know? Shit, Em." I can see the sweat dripping from her brow, how she's pushing her hair away from her eyes, hands shaking as she tries to sketch.

"You need a bottle of water." I say, "You've given me advice now I want to give you some. You said you were going to stop. What would Caleb do if he found out, Han? Are you really willing to risk your job, your family, everything for this?"

"No, I know. Emily, don't act like I don't know what the risks are. I'm fine, ok? I promise, no more. Ok?"

I sigh, defeated, there's nothing I can do at present but hope she takes my advice. "Right, well I trust you, ok? If you want you can swing by mine, Paige won't be home until six and I'm leaving work early to start dinner. You can even help me do my make up." I say knowing it's unlikely she'll come over. "Thanks for your advice, Han."

"No problem, baby. If I don't see you before hand, I wish you many a happy orgasm." I can hear the flirtatious chuckle in her voice as I reprimand her before we end the call.

* * *

The thought of tonight makes it difficult to concentrate for the rest of the day, I suddenly find myself increasingly restless and horny. Like my body has only just realised how long it's been since Paige touched me _like that_. I'd decided I'd make dinner rather than ordering in. Paige knows I'm a disaster in the kitchen so I'm hopeful she'll appreciate the effort I'm putting in. I decide to go for something simple, a pasta dish she's sure to enjoy so as to avoid either A) the food being inedible, or B) the kitchen setting on fire. I opt on making cocktails too, as well as buying a nice bottle of something bubbly. Not that I'm trying to get her drunk, but it'd been a while since we'd had a romantic meal in with things like cocktails and candles. I steer clear of wine because it only makes me messy and I'll probably be sick before I even get Paige to bed. Romantic as wine may be, it definitely isn't romantic when it's coming back up through your nose.

I set the table with some scented candles and cheesy as it might be, I put on a slow CD and dim the lights. I'd only just started dinner, I cockily assumed Paige wouldn't be able to keep her hands off me and so allowed time for a little make-out before we'd be interrupted to have dinner, just to tease her. I leave my hair down in messy waves as Hanna said and sit myself downstairs wearing only black panties, black heels and my wife's apparent favourite leather jacket. I leave it partially zipped, enough so you can't see anything but also so you can see that I'm wearing nothing underneath. I check myself over in the mirror and fix my make-up, I'd gone for a subtle smoky eye.

I hear the door and rest myself casually over the kitchen counter, facing the door with my elbows propped up on the table, pushing my boobs together, I pretend to flick through a magazine casually.

"Hey," I hear a call and I reply in the sultriest tone that I'm in the kitchen.

**Ok, this is a short one! I'm not entirely sure where that whole scene came from, I just love writing Hannily, I can't help it. I would have given you guys more, but I wanted to let you guys have some control given I'm taking a literal forever to get to the point of this story, because I keep taking Hannily detours! So, regardless of this decision, the chapter ends the same way! But it's up to you guys whether Paily's romantic meal is interrupted or not... I just thought I'd give a little back to you guys by writing something you'd want to read as opposed to my stupid scenarios that somehow morph into full chapters (oops...) Anyway, thanks for all your reviews and for sticking with me. I'm going to try to lengthen the chapters so that I can get on with this quicker, I just don't want to rush it! Ok, ok. Hope you enjoyed, many thanks, all that!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Hey, guys! This chapter is a little longer, so I hope that you'll enjoy it! I didn't want to torture you anymore, so the girls don't get interrupted ;) There is a bit of naughtiness in this chapter so the rating should probably be bumped up, but if you don't want to read it I'll separate it off between the first set of line breaks so you can ignore it, you won't miss anything important! Hope you enjoy! Big things are coming in the next few chapters, guys! xx**

"Hey," I hear a call and I reply in the sultriest tone that I'm in the kitchen. The flowers greet me before anything else. The first thing that greets me when she pushes open the door is a huge bouquet of assorted flowers, all different types, but all of a colour between white and red. It's stunning, it really is.

"Happy anniversary, baby. Something smells good." She hums happily, moving the flowers to the side to finally make eye contact with me. Only her eyes don't stay on mine for long, they wander down between my breasts and take in the leather jacket I'm sporting.

"Happy anniversary, Princess." I husk, biting my lip, stepping out from behind the counter so that she can take in the rest of my body. Her arm goes limp and the flowers she's holding drop to her side as I sashay towards her, swaying my hips in a way that Hanna would be proud of. "Are these for me?" I ask coyly, tilting my head, putting a hand to my chest. "Thank you," I say honestly, hands grabbing at her hips to pull her in for a kiss. "I thought I'd make you dinner instead of ordering in." I say, taking the flowers from her hand and bending down to grab a vase from the cupboard under the sink. An amused smirk finds its way into my face when I glance over my shoulder to find her eyes glued to my all but naked lower half. I snap up and fill the vase with water when I feel her curl around me, placing gentle kisses to my neck, hands curling round my front to push up under the jacket to stroke at my toned stomach.

"You're going to kill me." She mutters, arousal evident in her voice.

"Hm," I turn in her hold, "Not just yet, McCullers. I've got plans for you." I whisper, using both my hands to push her away. She stands, mouth hanging open slightly as her darkened eyes once again appraise my body. "Can you stir that for me?" I raise a brow, having to repeat myself and nod to the hob when it becomes clear she's distracted. She swallows audibly and nods, making her way to the hob, stirring the pasta sauce I'd been making unable to tear her eyes away from me, while I arrange the flowers in the vase and place them on the table.

"How was work?" I brush my lips against her ear, torn between wanting to speed things up and wanting to take this slow. It seems Paige makes the decision for us when she knocks off the hob and turns to push me back against the counter opposite. The air escapes my lungs at the look in her eyes; it's nothing short of animalistic.

"You." Kiss. "Are" Kiss. "So." Kiss. "Hot." Bite. Her lips and teeth clash against the skin on my neck, working their way round from one side to the other then up to my jaw and finally to my own lips. My hands find their way into her jacket and slip it off her shoulders, pushing her off for a moment so she'll rid herself of it. It doesn't take long for her lips to find their way back to my throat, then exploring further, down between my breasts as my back arches into her touch. I can't help moaning when she unzips my jacket and roughly pulls it off me to toss across the room to join her own. She pulls away a little to take in the new skin that's been exposed to her. The look on her face is enough for me to know that she loves me more than anything and it stokes a fire inside me when I grab at her desperately, pulling her back down to me.

* * *

"I've missed this." I pant, arching myself into her touch, my body craving more and more, her touches never enough. I squeal a little when she roughly grabs my waist, pulling me up and setting me down on the island in the middle of the kitchen, my legs opening and curling tight around her to pull her into me. "You feel so…" I struggle with the correct word for how this feels, "_right_." I finally settle upon, because that's how it feels. It feels _right _to have her against me after all this time, to be at the mercy of her demanding hands. It feels right to be this connected to her again, to feel like we're working in sync like we used to. Our lips work in perfect harmony, I can sense when she needs me to be yielding and how much, or when she wants me to fight against her tongue and reacquaint myself with the inside of her mouth.

"I love you, Emily." She whispers hurriedly, like it needs to be said now before her hormones take over and we're both reduced to nothing but pure want.

"Oh, fuck. I love you, too." I moan as she pushes down gently on my collarbone to have me lie down. Her hands slide teasingly slow down my body, getting to know it again, greeting it like an old friend, until her hands find purchase on my last remaining article of clothing. Her fingers grasping around the skimpy lace thong that hardly covers anything. In one harsh tug it's thrown unceremoniously across the kitchen.

"Fuck, baby." Paige hums, her hands resting on my hipbones, keeping me in place as I buck desperately as she takes me in.

"_Paige, please_." I beg, only to hear her chuckle and feel her start her devilish ascent of kisses from my ankles upwards, taking a painfully long time. When she nears the top of my parted thighs I sigh, hoping I'll finally get the release I'm craving, but it doesn't come and neither do I, Paige just starts again on my other leg and before I can wrap my legs around her neck and force her lips to my centre she's got a tight grip on my thighs to hold me in place, which only encourages me to moan louder, longer, more longingly.

"Don't be so impatient, honey." She purrs, enjoying this far too much.

"Jesus, Paige, just fuck me already." I squirm, the ache becoming increasingly unbearable as I feel wetness pool beneath me.

She growls, "So demanding." Suddenly her hands are gripping my ass, hard, as her head finally descends to where I need it most. An animalistic groan erupts from my chest at the feel of her showing me how much she loves me. My hands tangle into her hair, my hips bucking wildly when her fingers come into play, too. Her name echoes around the kitchen, accompanied by my near constant moaning and panting. The only other noises the sound of Paige humming softly as she laps at me and the sound of my arousal as she pounds her fingers into me roughly.

I come with startling intensity, everything in my body seems to stop suddenly and change direction, my legs tighten around her neck as she helps me ride out my high, her name, my mantra, repeated over and over in praise.

"I forgot how good you taste." Her voice sends a vibration through me, making me squirm again at the over stimulation when my legs finally relax.

"It never ceases to amaze me," I struggle to regain my breath, especially when she's so close, "how good you are at that."

" It never ceases to amaze me just how truly lucky I am to call you my wife. Happy anniversary, Em." She says, slowly leading me back into a sitting position, her lips meeting mine.

* * *

We're enjoying post coital cuddled in bed, both completely spent, giggling like teenagers when Paige suggests we open anniversary cards and gifts. She rises from the bed and trundles downstairs butt naked to get them, a sight I'll never stop appreciating.

"Spencer." I say as we stare at the envelope with our names written on in neat curly cursive writing. Paige raises a brow at me, "Trust me." Sure enough when we open the card it's a beautiful, intricate handmade card with Mrs and Mrs written on in gold cursive. "Told you." I smile, smugly when we see the card signed from Spencer, Toby and Spud.

"Ok, ok. I've got this one…" She claims, holding up a yellow envelope, "Aria." She nods confidently. I nuzzle into her chest as she opens it and does a cute little squirmy dance against me when she's right. We continue like this for a while, guessing our parents due to Paige's parents card having arrived in the post and a few of our friends from college, then the more difficult ones from people we work with. "And that leaves," Paige picks up the last card, we begin to open it together, pulling out a plain white card from it's brown wrapping, on the front in black squiggly writing it reads 'Lets celebrate the anniversary of the day you gave up on trying to find anyone better than each other… Happy anniversary!' We chuckle, typical Hanna. Inside Han has written a few jokes, said she hopes we enjoy her gift and signed it with love from her, Caleb and Luca. Paige notions to Hanna's gift, which is sat in a tall bag beside the bed, she goes to grab it but I find her hand first, "Don't open that."

She gives me an odd look but doesn't question me. I'm thankful, I don't want to have to try to explain, or not die of embarrassment when she eventually opens it to find the whip I know is waiting inside. Finally she produced a card and hands it to me with a kiss. It's a simple card with a small heart on the front and the words 'You're my favourite blanket stealer' written on. My heart bursts at how sweet she is and I can't help leaning over to give her a kiss in thanks before opening it to read what she's written inside. Naturally it's on the soppy side, but it's beautiful and written in her best handwriting. "Thank you." I say, "I love you." I kiss her again before pulling out the card addressed to 'my princess' from my bedside draw. She opens it shyly, she's never liked being centre of attention, even in situations where there's just the two of us so I curl into her and place a gentle kiss to her cheek. It's not as mushy as Paige's, on the front there's a couple of stick people, unfortunately male and female, so I'd had to get a little creative with some pens to fix it, and the words 'On our anniversary, I want you to know how much I have enjoyed annoying you all this time and how excited I am to continue doing so in the future'. She chuckles and gives my leg a squeeze; inside I'd admittedly gotten a little soppy, too, before signing it, 'Love you forever and always, Em.'

"I know we fight, but I really will love you, always." I confirm, staring at her seriously. "You do know that right?" I catch her wipe a stray tear from her cheek.

"Of course I do, Emily." She turns to me and takes a breath, trying to hold back tears, "You know I never thanked you for turning me gay." She starts and I bat her chest, clucking my tongue at her joking, "Seriously, Em. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"Oh, shut up, you cheeseball." I roll my eyes as my cheeks colour red, I dip my head into her neck and can't help but start to nibble and kiss at the skin I find there. I move so I'm straddling her and lean down to whisper huskily in her ear, "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, too."

* * *

We're getting ready for bed after a steamy, in every sense of the word, shower that has left us both exhausted, but feeling more like our old selves than we'd felt in ages. We joke a little before she flops down on the bed, props herself up against the headboard and I take my place between her legs, facing the same way, as she begins to braid my hair. It feels like we're getting back to normal and it makes my heart leap and bound, I settle in and begin to draw my fingers softly up and down her toned legs as she starts in on fiddling with my damp hair. I feel encased in our wonderful little bubble that smells like the citrusy body wash I'd lathered on her, and the coconut shampoo she's massaged into my scalp.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said the things that I said. This whole baby thing must be crazy for you, it's a huge commitment and it's your body. I'm really sorry I haven't been more considerate, Emily." She's slow and gentle in her movements, like she doesn't want to break me, or spoil the moment, like maybe she just wants it to last that bit longer.

"I'm sorry I surprised you. I really should have told you how I felt earlier; it wasn't fair to you, or me. To either of us." I confess. "I just think it's put a lot of pressure on us." I swallow, "I think we need to take a break from it, just until we're ready to try again." I say, and then amend, "Until I'm ready. I know you want this Pay, but it's really killing me. I can't continue doing this when I can see how badly it's hurting you, too. I'm not saying that waiting is going to make this any easier, but I just think we need some time…"

"A year is a really long time, Em." I resist the urge to tell her that it's not long at all and that it's not as if we're that old where one year would make a difference.

"I'm not saying we'll need to wait a year. I'm just saying I don't know when I'll be ready. It might be three months from now, but it might be three years." I say honestly, I feel her hands still. "You need to understand that, Paige. I need to know that you're ok with that."

"I can't tell you I'm ok with that, because I'm not." She whispers, but I'm thankful for her honesty.

"Ok. Maybe not ok with it, but can you just, can you live with the fact that it could be anytime, can you do that for me?" I ask. I honestly don't know what we do, where we go from there if she says no. "I'm not saying I don't want to start a family with you, Paige," I turn so I can look at her, so she can understand I _do _want this. "I just don't want it at the expense of our relationship. Look at us. This isn't who we are." I say, referring to the arguing, the inability to talk to each other. "I want to start a family with you, but right now just seems like a bad time." She dips her head and it's close to heartbreaking, but this is something I can't do for her. "Don't look away." I whisper, her now watery eyes find mine and a small smile slips onto her lips, "I love you more than I could ever hope to articulate and I want to have our own kids to keep us up at night and to cockblock us constantly, but right now what I want more than anything is for us to just be Paige and Emily again. For us to get back to being that couple who have amazing sex all the time and piss off their friends." I bite my lip and relish the chuckle that escapes her lips. "Ok?"

"Ok." That perfect shy smile slips onto her lips when I lean in to claim a kiss. "So, we good?" She asks.

I pretend to contemplate it and squint a bit, "I don't know. I'm still kind of pissed that you told Hanna all about our sex life."

She just shrugs, "Let me finish your hair." She says and I settle obediently back between her legs. I understand this is as much of a talk as we're going to have tonight. I can tell that neither of us wants to ruin the mood or shed a bad light on what has been such a beautiful evening that we both really needed to reconnect on more than one level. It's helped us get onto firmer ground so that maybe the idea of us fully talking this through isn't outside the realm of possibility anymore now that we're getting on better, but we're just not there quite yet.


	19. Chapter 19

**Guys, guys! Look how long this chapter is! Ok, so... IT'S ALL FLUFF. The entire thing. I absolutely loved writing it. I don't know what happened, I can't write short scenes! Luca and Paige's birthday both just ran away with me. Apologies in advance for my inability to not write a scene wherein the girls are embarrassed in some way or another. Ooops. Thanks for reading and reviewing, you lot are amazing! I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it! xx **

"Happy birthday!" Paige and I chorus as Caleb shows us into the living room where Luca is surrounded by enough stuffed animals and toys to fill a toy store. We start in on the traditional singing of 'happy birthday' while she jumps out of Hanna's lap, tramples over some wrapping paper and up between us, clambering up Paige's leg. She curls into Paige and then holds her hands out to me for a cuddle as we finish up singing. "Happy birthday, dear Luca, happy birthday to you!" I stare between the two and try to decide whose grin is bigger, Luca's or Paige's. I determined pretty quickly that it's definitely Paige's, her cinnamon eyes twinkle, her lips unable to stay closed, opening up to show pearly white teeth.

"Happy birthday, trouble." I give her a squeeze, reluctant to let go, until I feel her squirming slightly and hand her off to Paige who has an arm curled around me. She rests Luca on her hip like she does it for a living.

"Are you having a good day, sweetie?" She asks, her voice so light and airy. Luca's head starts to nod so fast I worry she'll get whiplash, her enthusiasm makes my wife chuckle and give me a warm smile, pulling me closer into her. Paige pretends to look pensive for a moment, "Hey, aunty Em, did we have any presents we had to give anyone today?" She shoots me a slight smirk, giving my waist a squeeze. "Because I can't seem to remember."

"You know what aunty Pay, I think if a little girl were to go look in the hall way she might find some. I think we passed some on our way in." I nod widening my eyes, giving Luca a tickle as Paige places her gently on the ground to watch her scurry out of the room so fast her feet skid a little on the floor as she turns a corner, gone in a flash of pink tulle and white blonde hair.

"Hey." I finally greet Hanna who is still sat amongst the discarded wrapping paper in the middle of the floor. I curl my left hand round to meet Paige's on the right side of my waist to play with her fingers. I catch Hanna giving us a knowing look and roll my eyes, but I can't keep the goofy smile from my face. It's pretty commonly known between our friends, especially Hanna, that I get kind of needy and clingy after sex.

"Hey yourself." She replies, dark circles under her eyes make her look older than her age. She lets out a sigh when we hear Luca squealing in the hallway. Caleb trundles over to help her up and they both give us serious looks.

"What?" We ask in unison, sharing a look of confusion.

"Don't 'what' us." Caleb begins, gesturing for us the take a seat on the sofa. "Can you hear that noise? That is the noise that is only heard when she's been spoiled rotten. It also tells me that you've probably bought her something that either makes a lot of mess or a lot of noise." He raises a brow as if to ask which it is.

We take a seat on the plush sofa, which although is only in the 'Luca living room', probably still cost more than all the furniture in our living room combined. Paige sinks into it and I pull her into my side. I can't help the guilty smile that slips onto my lips and notice a slight blush creepy up Paige's neck to colour her cheeks.

"Both?" She answers shyly, suddenly very interested in the tassels on the throw that is next to her. The happy couple opposite us both groan, but they're smiling regardless as we hear the patter of tiny princess feet as Luca comes skipping back into the room, pulling the large gift bag behind her. She hurls herself up and in between Paige and I, struggling with the bag, which I lift up for her.

"Presents!" She exclaims in her toddler slur.

"Oi, Princess, what do you say?" Caleb calls from across the room where he's sat on the chair, Hanna in his lap.

"Fank you, Aunty Emmy and Aunty Pay." She singsongs.

"You're welcome, baby." Paige kisses the top of her head, "Now, what're you waiting for?" She asks excitedly, giving the animated girl beside her a nudge, encouraging her to open her presents, which she does so rapidly. Her attention doesn't stay on one thing too long, she take a look before passing Paige the present and holding her hands out to me for the next in the way that every child does, overwhelmed by so many presents that they don't know where to focus their attention. I watch Luca's face for a while, but always catch myself watching my wife instead, watching the look on her face as she gets excited for our niece, sharing in her enthusiasm for the new toy or dress she's just unwrapped.

"That's it, Lou." I say with a frown once the last present is unwrapped.

She looks to Paige, her lip jutting out, wobbling slightly, "Oh," She exhales deeply, eyes downcast, Paige, unable to resist, pulls her onto her lap and into her chest asking what's wrong and did she not like the presents she received as she strokes her hair soothingly. There's a hushed whisper that I hear but don't understand in Luca's toddler language. Paige seems to get it just fine though as a look of understanding and upset crosses her face. She wipes a tear from Luca's cheek and places a gently, lingering kiss atop her head, looking genuinely upset from Luca's words. There's silence for a moment before Luca mutters a final thank you and hops off Paige's lap and over to her mom and dad.

"What was that all about?" I ask, my hand curling around hers, squeezing gently.

"She was asking about the talking unicorn I said we'd get her." She watches Luca across the room, looking genuinely saddened that she's made the little girl upset. I cast my eyes over to the little bundle of energy and see that she's already forgotten she was sad as Caleb hoists her into the air and back down again, much to Luca's delight and Hanna's distress.

"Oh, Paige." I shake my head and try not to laugh so as not to discount her feelings. We'd gotten Luca the talking unicorn, but it's the present we'd decided to save for her birthday party. "Look, she's forgotten about it already." I try to soothe her, but she doesn't look convinced.

"Do you think I should pop home and get it? I mean if we give it to her at her party it might get lost amongst everything else and she won't know it's from us. Then she'll think we're horrible aunties. I promised her, Em."

"She won't even remember, Princess." I say stroking her hand softly.

"She remembered I'd promised to get her it." She argues softly. I can't argue with that because it's a decent point. "I'm going to go get it." She makes to stand up, but I pull her back down.

"No, you're not." I say firmly, "It's a few days, Paige. She loves you more than she'd love any toy you give her and I'm sure she'll appreciate it all the more when she realises you didn't forget."

"Emily, she's three. She's not going to realise that. She's probably going to think we don't love her and that she mentioned it and I felt guilty and went to get her it simply to spare her feelings rather than because I'd already gotten her it because-"

I lean in and kiss her here, mostly to stop her rambling, but also because she's being utterly adorable. "Shh. Like you just said, she's three. You really think a three year old is going to have that thought process?" I raise a brow at her and she dips her head bashfully, shaking her head. "Exactly, now, stop being a goof and get your butt down there and play some games."

* * *

"So," I say, leaning against the kitchen counter, sipping on a cup of tea. Hanna standing opposite, wiping down the bench.

She sighs, knowing what's coming. "Don't." She gives me a warning look, "I was fine when I got home and it won't happen again."

"Heard that one before." I mutter into my cup only to have the cloth she's been using thrown, rather violently, at my face. "Ooff." I moan, rolling my eyes and dropping it into the sink.

"So," She stars, picking up her own tea as we hear our respective partners playing with Luca in the next room. "What was Luca whispering to Paige about?" She asks, seemingly unable to stand still as she begins to unload the dishwasher, I attempt to help, but she bats me off.

"She wanted to know about the talking unicorn toy Paige said she'd get her. We'd decided to give it to her on Saturday instead." I chuckle and receive an annoyed groan from Hanna.

"See! Spoiling my daughter!" She reprimands.

I hold my hands up in surrender, "Hey! Blame my wife, not me." I say. "Pay was really upset about it, she was going to drive home to get it." Hanna gives me a look and goes to say something, something I wouldn't like by the look on her face, but she's interrupted when my phone chimes and I pick it up so as to avoid anything she's about to say.

"Who is it?" She asks, starting to load the dishwasher having finished emptying it.

"Erm, no one." I say, shaking my head and turning away from her.

"Try again." She says, knowing I'm talking shit.

"Really, no one special, just one of Paige's college friends asking our address." I say. "She wants to send a gift. You remember Cori, right? Paige's roommate." I embellish.

"Oh, yeah. She was nice." Hanna says on having met Cori precisely once on a spring break vacation we'd all took one time. The two had hit it off fabulously.

"Mommy!" A small voice shouts from the other room, "Daddy is being," Luca starts to whine but is cut off by Caleb hushing her, obviously trying to calm her before he gets into trouble.

"Caleb," Hanna grumbles, putting down the dish she'd been loading and exiting the room. I take a moment to glance at my phone to make sure I'm not going crazy.

But no, I'm not, because there, still on my screen flashes the one new message icon, from none other than Alison DiLaurentis.

* * *

"Happy birthday, baby." I purr into Paige's ear at precisely 7:48. She hums and burrows further into bed muttering about the time. "It's almost eight, you need to get up, I've got a surprise downstairs for you." I nibble her ear and am rewarded with a mumble about 'five more minutes'. I pull her earlobe into my mouth and suck it for a moment. "Now, Paige." I whisper, before smacking her ass and hopping off the bed and downstairs to where both our mothers are waiting. Apparently they're both big on birthdays and were both free today, so I'd organised for Paige and I to take the day off work and for our mothers to come over in the morning, unbeknownst to Paige, who I half expect to come tumbling sleepily down the stairs wearing her warm up tracksuit and a sleepy frown for me to kiss off her face. I'm wrong however, when I catch a pair of long naked legs entering the living room.

"Sleepy." Paige mumbles, eyes closed as she opens the door wearing nothing but a long t-shirt that just barely covers what it needs to. I dash over to her just as she's about to stretch and expose herself, and pull down on the t-shirt she's wearing noticing the look my mother is giving us.

"Happy birthday!" Our mothers call, making Paige's eyes dart open and take in the scene before her. With the help from the two women sat on my sofa, we'd decorated a little (read _a lot_, too much for a 26 year old woman) with princess banners, balloons and streamers.

"Happy birthday, Princess." I say shyly depositing a kiss on her nose, pushing her from the room, closing the door behind me. "As sexy as you look right now and as much as I'd love to watch you parade about like this, I don't think our mothers will appreciate it." I give her a grin, begging for her forgiveness when I see the look on her face.

"Emily, what if I'd been naked?" She asks seriously and I try not to laugh at the thought of that scenario.

"Oh, please, you wouldn't have come down here naked, it's a Thursday." I say offhand, like that makes perfect sense. Usually we're in a rush on mornings so it's unlikely that Paige would have come downstairs undressed, I'm surprised at this in all fairness. She rolls her eyes as if to say that wasn't the point she was making. "Anyway…" I tug on her shirt. "Go put some pants on, this is _really_ distracting." I bite my lip, eyeing her. She gives me a confused look, checks the clock on the wall and looks back to me, still confused. "We're both off work today." I give her another grin and throw my hands up. "Surprise."

"I hate surprises." She grumbles.

"I know you do, but you love me." As she turns I lift the back of her t-shirt up and drop my head to the side, studying her peachy ass, letting out a hum of appreciation. Paige bats my hand away and rolls her eyes, mutters something about starting something I can't finish and makes her way upstairs.

* * *

I don't assume the day could get anymore awkward, but it does, it really does. It had somewhere down the line become a tradition between Paige and I that on birthday's we'd give two cards, a joke one and a more serious one. When Paige is done opening gifts from both of our mothers, I give her a chaste peck and hand her my card and present. She opens the present first, its new gym wear that she probably doesn't need, but wanted. "Thanks, Em." She says, giving me a kiss that lasts longer than I think my mother would have liked. She's completely accepting of my sexuality and Paige and I as a couple. She's just a prude; she'd act the same regardless of who it was. I give a look that says I've got more presents for her later and she bites her lip to discourage the grin that's slipping onto her face. This is where things start to go downhill, just as Paige's fingers slip under the seal and _riiip_. She pulls out the card and holds it up to read, I swear I see her face blanch and she stares at me wide eyed as if questioning my sanity on having presented her with this card while our mothers sit in front of us.

The card is pink with the words 'You make me so wet' written in large lettering across the front, when Paige dares to open it I cover my face with my hands, praying the world will swallow me up. Inside I've written only partially joking, 'I like it when you touch me where I wee' and other things of the like, such as 'your hole is my goal!' with lots of hearts, kisses and birthday wishes. It honestly had seemed funny when I'd written it, obviously not so funny when your mother is sat in the same room.

"Let's have a look then." My mother says, wanting to read every card for reasons beyond my comprehension. My wife looks at me startled, not wanting to say 'no' to my mother, who I'm sure, although she'd never admit it, probably still frightens her a little bit.

"Erm," Paige looks awkwardly at everything in the room trying to stall, before her own mother just plucks it from her hand impatiently. "Mom! I don't think you should…" But it's already too late. The two women on the sofa opposite us are already reading the words I'd written. I curl myself into Paige's chest, burying my head deep into her neck and feel like the contact might be too much for my mother to handle given some of the things I'd written in the card.

"Tell me that didn't just happen." I mutter.

"It did. It is still happening."

"Is it too late for us to form a suicide pact in the event of this ever happening?"

"Yes, Emily. It's too late." Paige sighs sadly. I look up to find her staring into her lap stonily and our mothers looking over at us with looks on their faces I can't even begin to describe. I don't know what's more evident, their shock, their disgust, or their embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry." I gush, "Paige and I send each other one joke card and one serious card on birthdays and I guess I got confused." I babble, aware there's nothing I can do about this now. "No one else was meant to see that…"

"Well, you've certainly got a way with words." Claire, Paige's mom says with wide eyes.

"Oh, Mom, Claire, I'm _so _sorry. Oh G-" Paige elbows me in the ribs before I take the lords name in vain and get myself into more trouble with her mother.

"Emily, can I have a word with yo-"

"No." I answer immediately, shaking my head determinedly. There is no way on earth I'm having this conversation with my mother. No. "Would anyone like tea? Paige." I say hurriedly, giving her a hard look that tells her she needs to offer to help.

"I'll help." She jumps up and we hurry to the kitchen without waiting for an answer, where I try and fail to collect myself.

"This is quite possibly the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. Paige, in all my two and a half decades I've never wanted to flee the country more." My wife, cheeks a permanent red, lets out a sigh, drags a hand down her face and then begins to laugh in earnest. "It's not funny, Paige!" I flick the kettle on angrily. "Did you read what I'd written in that card about my tongue… _oh my God_, your mother is probably going to start dousing me in holy water when we go back in there." I overreact, beginning to pace and pull at my hair as Paige continues to laugh.

"Calm down, Em. Also, really?" She gives me a look, "With the holy water?"

"Sorry." I forget sometimes that Paige is religious, thankfully not as much as her farther and mother, whom I've probably just accidentally sent to hell. "I didn't mean that." I clarify, but she's laughing regardless.

"I hope she still carries her holy water in her purse. You know, for impromptu baptisms. She'll probably try to cleanse you of your sins while she's here, cast out the unholy spirit residing in your body, might as well go the whole hog." Paige says, "It'll be kind of like a very religious spa day." I stare at her blankly, only for her to laugh and begin to get cups from the cupboard as I cover my reddened face and mutter, taking the lords name in vain more times than I can count.

"Shit, Paige. I drew a fucking Venn diagram featuring the words 'tongue', 'vagina' and the words 'birthday fun' in the intersect." I almost sob. I'd thought it was pretty funny when I'd drawn it.

Paige full on guffaws at this, despite my serious concern over having severely scarred our mothers. "Those circles were really good. Did you mean to make them look like boobs?"

I drop my head at her questioning this, of all things; it occurs to me now that this is why our relationship works so well. Because Paige can laugh at the fact that I drew a pair of breasts as a Venn diagram and wrote pure filth in her birthday card like it's normal. "Yes. Yes, I did." I refuse to smile smugly, although I was quite proud of myself.

Seeing the serious look still etched on my face, Paige wraps me in a big hug, "Come on, they've both seen worse." She tries to sooth me, but it doesn't work. "Don't you remember when I got caught sexting you at the dinner table while my parents were saying grace? And that time we'd got back, totally drunk, from Noel Kahn's party when my parents were out of town?" She asks cheekily, only making my cheeks burn more at the memory. "Only they weren't out of town. And they came downstairs to see what the noise was, and found you going-"

"Yes! Ok, Paige. I remember. _Vividly_… You're not helping."

"I'm just saying they've both seen worse and it's not as if there's anything to get angry or upset about, we're adults, we're married, this is our home and they were only words. Albeit _Dirty blasphemous words_." She husks, pulling me in closer. I slap her hands away.

"Go take the tea in. I'll just be here, trying to think of a way to pass my suicide off as a tragic accident."

* * *

"So," I start, straddling her lap once we're alone, "What do you want to do for your birthday?" Her lip sandwiched between her teeth tells me _exactly _what she wants. I let out a little huff of mock annoyance and bat her chest, holding back a smirk, "Other than _that_."

"I don't know," I watch the concentration on her face and smile to myself at the sight of her. Nose scrunched, eyes searching the ceiling as if the answers are written there, "Something eighteen year old Emily and Paige would have done." She concludes.

I scoff at her, "I said _not that_, keep it in your pants for five minutes." I say shyly, leaving my hand on her chest, I can't deny her _that, _if that's what she wants, it is _her _birthday after all. I try to look reluctant when I begin to grind myself against her and lean in to start my assault on her neck. Her persistent giggling upsets my rhythm however and I pull away from her neck, brows raised.

"That's not what I meant." She chuckles making me blush. "But save that thought for later." She gets that goofy grin on her face and soothes her hands over my thighs. "I meant lets just do something fun, or nothing. You know? Like back then we didn't go out for fancy meals or treat ourselves to new bed spreads or cutlery."

"God, are we really that sad?" I ask seriously.

"A little bit. But I love it."

"Yeah," I smile on reflection, "Me, too."

"But we used to just go do stupid stuff, or laze around in bed just dozing, me playing with your fingers and you stroking my hair." Her eyes brighten in a way I haven't seen in a while, the need to keep them like that sparks in me and I jump from her lap.

"Let's go then, McCullers." I say, bouncing from one foot to the other with excitement fizzling through me. I don't know what we're doing yet so when she asks as we're jumping into my car I simply reply that it's a surprise, making her groan adorably.

* * *

"Mini golf? Really?"

My eyes widen, "What?" I'm shocked that she doesn't seem as enthusiastic as I am. "You used to love mini golf."

"No, _you _love mini golf."

"Paige, I only brought us here because you said you loved it." I shake my head. This can't be happening, we can't have been together for as long as we have and not have known that neither of us really enjoyed it, but didn't want to disappoint the other. "I distinctly remember you very enthusiastically insisting we play mini golf."

Paige rolls her eyes with a crooked grin, "And it didn't cross your mind that sixteen year old Paige was saying that due to the fact you're bent over for the majority of it? I wasn't just saying I'd go second to be chivalrous, baby." She smirks cheekily at me. I bat her arm and approach the counter regardless.

"Well seen as it's your birthday I'll make sure to do a lot of bending." I pay and collect our clubs and balls, "Oh, and Princess?" I say, dropping my voice to a husky whisper that drives her insane, "Loser sleeps on the wet spot." I hum softly in her ear handing her a club and a ball, having to effectively wrap her hands around them, as she seems to have forgotten how to use them.

* * *

We leave touching and giggling like a couple of teenagers, a smug smile plastered across Paige's face at having won. "It's your birthday, Pay, did you really think I wasn't going to let you win?"

She falters for a second and I take her hand, contorting my face into mock concern at her sudden stop and the crease in her brow, she shakes it off and the cocky grin returns, "You didn't let me win." She assures.

I roll my eyes and drop her hand and raise my voice and octave or ten, "Oh, baby, please help me. Where do I need to hit it?" I feign ignorance and innocence and bend over a little, repeating what I'd done several times during our game, only obviously more subtly. Paige clucks her tongue.

"I'd have beaten you anyway." She mutters dejectedly, her lip jutting out.

"I'm sure you would have, princess. If you hadn't been distracted by my ass. It was actually pretty difficult to lose, you were playing so badly."

"Alright, alright. Did you forget it's my birthday?" She frowns at my teasing.

"I'm sorry, princess." I coo, "I'll make it up to you."

* * *

I pull into the gravelly lot and put the car in park. Paige takes a look around, raising a questioning brow, "Where are we? I thought we were going home."

"Hmm, quick detour." I lean over and kiss her nose before hopping out meeting her at the other side of the car and taking her hand.

"We're not doing karaoke." She says immediately upon entering the bar and seeing the set up in front of us.

I whine, "But eighteen year old Emily and Paige would have loved this." It only takes a couple of vodka's to change her mind. Soon enough we're trundling out of the bar having sung our hearts out to some really cheesy old music. Paige is clutching at my arm, a little bit drunk, while I hold her up; aggressively sober. I can't express how much I love her in that moment. How perfect it all is, when she glances over at me from the passenger seat with that glazed goofy grin and I shake my head good naturedly at her when she turns up the radio and belts out a Pink classic. How our mouths and bodies meld so perfectly together as soon as I'm putting the key in the lock and Paige is herding me inside desperately, pulling at my coat, tripping over her own feet as she tries to take off her shoes in a frantic attempt to have us both naked in record time.


	20. Chapter 20

Luca's party is absolutely manic. And I mean totally crazy. As in so crazy you could probably use a recording of it as contraception. Anyone witnessing this would probably swear to never have kids. When one kid starts a blood curdling scream I seriously consider using an electric whisk to make scrambled eggs in my uterus. Yes, they're all lovely and it's cute, but the sheer amount of noise and tantrums and whining. It all gets a bit much for me, but Paige seems to take it in her stride, flouncing about in her puffy baby blue princess dress like she might actually be one of the several entertainers Hanna hired.

"She's enjoying the party more than most of the kids. What is she on and can I have some?" Ezra asks, eyeing my wife and the laughing toddlers all donning similar attire.

"I know, right?" Aria looks to me and pushes a piece of moist pink cake around her plate. "You know there's like five cakes over there? They aren't even the main one. I can't even begin to speculate how much they've spent on this."

"It's ridiculous." I confirm, "But everyone is having a good time." I say and feel their eyes on me immediately. "Ok. _I'm _not. But I've just eaten so much cake I feel queasy and frankly I'm a little bit jealous of," I gesture wildly at Paige and the children running around, "all this."

"You're jealous of Paige spending time with someone who isn't you?" Spencer appears and raises a brow at me.

"Fuck you." I say just above a whisper so that no kids hear, I roll my eyes because she's right.

"Jeez. Is it that time of the month? No wonder Paige is staying out the way." I glare at her. It wasn't, but I'd been in a bad room since getting up that morning.

"Where's Han?" I ask, sipping on some orange juice. "Is it time for games yet?"

"She's coordinating events." The fact that phrases like this are thrown around casually at this party says just how ostentations it is. I resist the need to roll my eyes for the seventieth time. I know if Paige and I had a little girl and she wanted a princess party, she'd damn well get a princess party. Probably not like this. This is frightening. But she'd get what she wanted, mostly because Paige. But partly because I completely understand that any parent would want to give their kid everything they want. Just as I'm about to ask what the fuck 'coordinating events' even fucking means, a terrified looking Caleb hurries over to us like a dog with his tail between his legs. Naturally he's dressed like a prince, albeit a rugged prince. He looks dashing.

"The ice sculptures are melting. Hanna is _not best pleased._"

"Oh. Christ. Sorry, let me just call off the sun." I mutter sarcastically, unable to help myself.

"So, in case you hadn't met. This is grumpy Emily. Unless you're throwing chocolate at her, probably best not to engage in conversation with her."

"Oh, shut up. I'm not on my period." I shake my head at Spencer's immaturity. Like I can't be grumpy just because.

"I'm with Emily on this one. This has gotten way out of hand." Caleb says, surveying the sheer madness, brushing a hand through his hair. "I mean, I'm more than happy for Luca to have a princess party and to dress up like a prince. But ice sculptures and doves? Hanna has gone full tilt momzilla."

"_Doves?_" Aria, Ezra, Spencer and I chorus.

"You didn't hear about the doves?" The look of astonishment on our faces says we most certainly didn't know about the fucking doves. "Hanna has arranged for doves to be released after we're finished singing happy birthday."

"At the risk of sounding jealous, our _wedding _wasn't this flashy." Aria says.

"Yeah, Paige and I played mini golf for her birthday on Thursday." I raise a brow and we all turn to Caleb as if for answers.

"_Things just got out of hand!" _He groans like a toddler and storms away muttering about macaroons and swan meringues.

"Hey," Paige bounds over to us like a happy puppy. She pads over to me and places an energetic kiss on my cheek. When no one replies she continues, "What?"

"We're just trying to work out who's having more fun, you or the kids…" Ezra says.

"Yeah, it's kind of a tie. Although I think once they bring out pass the parcel you're gunna top it." Spencer decides. Paige looks bashful and curls her hand around mine, but I stand stonily still. I'm still in a complete mood. I can't keep it up though, not when she starts to fiddle with my fingers and smooths her thumb over my skin. I turn to her and adjust the tiara on her head.

"You look sweet." I smile. "How much sugar have you had?" I squint, as her smile that reaches up and beyond her eyes doesn't falter. She just smiles at me and all I can think of is a dog. A dog when it just wants its owner to pet it and it just stares at them expectantly, tail constantly wagging, tongue dangling from its mouth. That's what Paige is like right now. Only there's less tongue, she's far less hairy and a whole hell of a lot cuter.

"This is great, isn't it?" She asks, eyes flitting over the garden where different stations have been set up for face painting, flower accessories and balloon animals to name a few.

"You could say that…" I mumble, eyeing her suspiciously.

* * *

A little while (which is still far too long for me) later we're seated around a large table that's decorated with unicorns and princess paraphernalia. There is any amount of food set out which includes, but is not limited to, canapés, shrimp and a chocolate fountain. To me it all seems a bit much for a child's birthday party, but given that it's Hanna's child I'm actually starting to understand. Paige sits beside me, leg bouncing rapidly, her head spins, looking everywhere at once.

"You've had far too much sugar, Christ. You need to calm down. I can see your brain vibrating from pure glucose." I'm verging on concerned.

"Sorry," Her eyes find mine and her smile drops at my telling her off. "I'm just excited, I've never been a princess before." She grins again and I can't be mad at her. Especially not when she's wearing a fucking tiara and has a dress on that is high at the front and low at the back. It had originally been long and floaty, but on seeing my shorter dress I'd demanded I get to see her legs too, if she got to see mine. So we'd compromised.

"You're always my princess." I say, sickly sweet and kiss her softly. I place a hand on her thigh to try to stop it bouncing. It works for a moment, but then it continues. To aid in controlling the kids the grown ups had been separated out. Paige and I were stationed at the far end, down from us were Aria and Ezra, then a couple we didn't know, then Hanna and Caleb with Luca sitting dead centre, then Ms Marin and Ted, then Toby and Spencer and another couple we didn't know. Even with us all I still deem there to be far too many kids. The ratio petrifies me. I feel completely outnumbered. But Hanna had insisted that the parents not stay around, it was as much a day off for them as it was for the kids.

"Don't look so scared." Paige laughs at seeing my face. "They're toddlers, they're not going to bite." I give her a serious look, "Ok, they might." She contemplates, "But it probably won't hurt."

"I'm fine."

"You're not." She says, "It's just like being with Luca, relax."

"Luca is one tiny, twee little sweetheart. This, _this _is chaos." I whisper as a small food fight breaks out between two boys we'd been allocated.

"Samson, hey," Paige calls, super cool and down with the kids, "How about you eat that piece of feta instead of trying to nail Jordan in the head with it? Good boy." She says and he obeys, it's shocking. She turns back to me like she hasn't just worked miracles. "You just need to be stern."

"Stern?" I laugh, "Paige, you wanted to drive home to get Luca another present not 5 days ago." She blushes. "And it was adorable to watch and that was perfect. I'm in complete awe of you." I gush, how is it possible for her to strike the right balance here when I can't even get the milk to cereal ratio right?

"Oh, hush and eat your… What even is that?" She says, regarding the strange pile of food in front of us.

I get board quickly and pretty soon my hand is drawing absent patterns on Paige's thigh.

"When does this thing finish?" I whisper impatiently, hand edging higher. Paige grabs my wrist and the first serious look of the day dawns on her face. I pout at her.

"We're at a toddlers party." I lean in and start to whisper in her ear, nibbling lightly, until I feel something hit me. I turn, rubbing the back of my head and find Aria and Ezra staring at me. I try to be as clandestine as I can when I flip them off and return to being grumpy.

* * *

Later, when the monstrous cake has been served and the doves released, the party is winding down and most of the kids are gone. I find myself escaping for a while by helping Hanna clean up in the kitchen, although it's really to no effect, because the mess we move is replaced with more dirty dishes and plates and everything else within seconds.

"So," I start, "That was-"

"Luca loved it." Is all she says when she glares at me. I nod as if that's all I was really going to say. "You were being so pissy. Paige was literally having the best time of her life." She laughs.

I choose to ignore her, I could quite easily slip back to being grumpy. "You'll never guess who text me the other day." I say, because I need to tell someone, it had been burning up inside me ever since. I hadn't known what to do when Alison had text to say she was coming back and that she wanted to meet up. I'd ignored it at first and not told a soul. But it started to niggle, so eventually I deleted the text completely, almost guiltily.

"Who?" She asks as Luca walks into the room to request a drink.

"Alison." I say, passing her a plate.

"Alison who?" She asks distractedly, like there could ever be another Alison, grabbing a juice box and handing it to Luca.

"Alison DiLaurentis." She stops mid motion and turns to me, her eyes search my face as if she's trying to suss out what I did and how I feel about it before I tell her.

"Alison DiLaurentis." She repeats, "As in _Alison DiLaurentis_," She says and there really isn't anything else to say. I nod and hear footsteps, give her a 'shh' look and continue passing her dirty dishes.

"Hi," Paige smiles brightly, not as brightly as before, but she's still ludicrously happy.

"Are you crashing yet?" I ask, giving her cheek a kiss, she nods a little so I hum sympathetically.

"I feel like this is pay back for you spoiling Luca constantly." Hanna jokes.

"Who's Alison DiLaurentis?" Luca asks curiously, unintentionally causing a huge rift. It's like everything stops for a moment around me.

"Go play outside, honey." Hanna says, sensing the animosity from Paige at the mention of her name. She dries her hands and ushers her daughter from the room, leaving Paige and I alone to talk.

For a minute Paige says nothing, just looks at me, waiting for me to start this conversation. I'd really rather not though. I know I've done nothing wrong, but just the mention of her name is enough to throw Paige into a downward spiral.

"Well?" She finally prompts when it becomes clear I'm not going to talk first.

"Don't get mad." I say, "But, she text me." She takes a deep breath, "It just said she was coming back and did I want to meet up."

"And what did you say?"

"What? _I didn't reply!_" I say incredulously. Does she really think I'd text her back and want to see her? There wasn't really bad blood between the blonde and I anymore. More so she loathed Paige and Paige her, so it was best to just stay away.

"Well, why did she think she could text you? Have you been speaking to her?"

"Paige, of course not! I would never…" I say, shaking my head, saddened that she thinks I'd do that to her.

"Show me." She says.

"I deleted it." I say and realise that just makes me look more guilty. "I didn't want to chance you seeing it. I promise we haven't spoken."

"I don't want you to see her." I can't be sure why, but something about this statement and my current bad mood sets me off. I feel bad because I know there's a part of me that knows Paige was well meaning and all the rest of it, but the irrational part of me takes over and screams at me.

"Don't tell me what I can't do, Paige." I tell her, anger in my tone, which I'm not sure, how it got there.

"Is this you saying you want to see her?"

"Maybe it is. We were friends for a long time, Paige. We went through… _stuff_." I argue.

Paige scoffs, "After everything she put us both through you'd still go meet her?" She smiles, but it isn't friendly, "Fine, do what you like, Em."

I understand that statement really means 'don't you fucking dare', because it's loaded to fuck and I almost take my phone from my pocket and text her saying I'd positively _love _to meet her. But just as the thought crossed my mind Paige leaves the room, taking all my anger with her. I'm left in the kitchen trying to understand why I just started an argument with my wife for no apparent reason for the five thousandth time in the past month.


	21. Chapter 21

It gets to Friday and Paige and I are still fighting, sometimes outwardly and sometimes silently, but fighting nonetheless. We'd been fighting about the most mundane of things, much like salad-gate, everything from cleaning to Paige's telling Hanna about our again none existent sex life. We were even at the point where we were arguing about arguing. We'd both been so stubborn that by Friday night neither of us had been food shopping and neither of us wanted to go, so to compromise we both went. That's when things went from bad to worse.

I don't know if it started when Paige slammed the door on the car too hard, or when some dick on the highway didn't use his blinker and almost wiped us out. But somewhere in between us getting into the car and us getting to Whole Foods I'd lost all my patience with absolutely everything. I was being irrational and I knew it, but I couldn't calm down. I could feel my brain vibrating from pure rage. It finally came to a head when we were waiting at the lights and a dog in the middle of the road stopped me from moving forward, unbeknownst to the moron behind who, with his music blaring loudly from his car, began to honk his horn at us and gesture wildly out the window about the lights being green. When it's safe to do so, I turn and pull into the car lot. My jaw clenched as I try to calm myself down, Paige beside me blathering about this that and the other. I don't hear any of it. But then I hear the obnoxious roar of his car engine and the horrible pounding bass of music from the car that had been honking at me, pull into the lot a few spaces down. I can't stop and before I know what I'm doing I've stormed over to him and am shouting in his face and he's laughing saying something about women drivers and did I not know how to drive. I snap. I see more than red, I see black, sheer rage making me feel dizzy, blurring my vision. I shout about the dog and that I do know how to drive and who does he think he is, I'm old enough to be his mother. I'm definitely not, but it slips out because it seems like something I'm allowed to say at this age to someone who is younger than I am. "I wish my mom looked like that." His friend gets one of those smarmy grins on his face and Paige, true to style, erupts into laughter. The fact that she's laughing sets me off even more and I just can't seem to settle or find the humour in the situation, not that her telling me to do so helps whatsoever. Soon enough the boys are gone and I'm merely shouting at Paige about not being supportive and spouting out some pretty awful things in the heat of the moment as my eyes blur with tears desperate to be shed, then before I can think better of it I march over to the car, climb in, slam the door and drive away, leaving her there, completely dumbfounded and probably upset by the things I've just heckled at her for no reason other than because someone criticised my driving.

"Hey, Spence, you ok?" I ask, answering her call.

"Yeah, I'm good thanks, just a little confused, I was wondering if you could help me out." She doesn't sound all that confused. I adjust my sunglasses and switch my phone to the other hand.

"Yeah? What with?" I ask, wondering what on earth Spencer could possibly need my help with.

"Oh, I'm just curious as to why I just picked your wife up from the Whole Foods car lot…" I can practically see her raising a sharp judging brow at me.

"Oh…" I reply. I have absolutely no idea how I'm even meant to begin explaining that without sounding like an absolute mentalist. What the fuck is wrong with me.

"Yes, _oh_." She echoes, "Where are you?"

I swallow, "Eating mozzarella sticks in McDonalds car park…" I mutter, embarrassed. "Where's Paige?"

"She's here. I'm not sure what's going on with you two…" I can practically see her shaking her head, "Em, _you left her in a car lot_." She repeats softly, her voice low like she doesn't want anyone to hear, or she's dealing with someone unstable. Probably both.

"I know!" I groan, "Can you tell her I'm sorry?" I'm not sure if she'd want to speak to me, or if I could speak to her.

"No, I'm not apologising for you."

"Spence," I sigh, "Can you put her on the phone then?"

"No." I can tell she's annoyed at me, rightly so, I'm annoyed at me, too.

"Spencer," I roll my eyes, I can hear Paige in the background.

"Hey, baby." I hear her voice, shaky, down the line after a few moments of silence and hushed tones.

"Oh, shit, Princess, I'm so sorry. I don't, I- I'm sorry. I don't even know what to say to you, or how to make this ok." I blather, what am I supposed to say? Sorry I lost it and left you stranded.

"Em, it's ok."

"No, Paige, it isn't ok. I was out of line. Completely. I'll make it up to you, I promise. I'll make cornbread and chilli," It's Paige's favourite, but that doesn't seem like enough, so I bravely tag on the end, "Wearing nothing but those heels that you like."

Her only reply is a deep sigh, I can hear an exchange between her and Spencer, but I have no idea what is said before she comes back on the line, "I did the shopping, I got you some of those pickles that you like, Spencer is going to bring me back so I'll drop it off then."

"Wait, drop it off? Paige," A lump forms in my throat at what she's implying.

"I want to get my car, I just, I think we need a little space. You said some pretty harsh stuff, Em." She clarifies and I know she's right. I don't even know what I said, but I know it won't have been pretty.

"Paige, please, I'm sorry, ok? I know that doesn't make it ok, just please don't do this. I don't even know what I was saying, I just flipped."

"I'm sorry, Emily."

"Where are you going to go? Let me go, you can stay at the house, please." I beg, tears filling my eyes.

"I'm not sure,"

"She's staying here." Spencer interrupts sternly. "I'll drop your groceries off, she can use my car."

"Spencer, please don't do this." I'm full on crying now and I know Spencer doesn't care. I got myself into this mess, and I know this is pretty petty, but it's our first serious one-of-us-is-leaving fight and I can't hear the rational part of my mind telling me it'll all be ok. We've never fought like this before, where we're so angry or disappointed that we're not shouting anymore. The sadness and calm in Paige's tone tells me I've gone too far this time.

She relents a little, a calmness taking over her, "Emily, I think it's best you don't see each other for a couple of days. You'll know where she is and better she stay here than at her parents house, don't you think?"

"Yes," I mutter. "But even better if she stay in her own house." I grumble.

"With everything that's happened, I think a little break will do you both some good." She says professionally, like this is just a couple's therapy session.

"Can I call her?" I ask, feeling desperate, what kind of rules is Spencer going to enforce here? Are we going to have no contact until she says so? Worse, what if Paige doesn't _want _any contact with me?

"Maybe it's best you leave that up to her." I'm thankful at least for the sympathy in her voice, "Let her talk when she's ready. It isn't going to kill you, Emily."

"It might." I sigh. "I've fucked up, haven't I?"

She doesn't reply, "I can call one of the girls to keep you company if you want?" She has the decency to at least sound saddened, the pity in her voice doesn't make me feel better.

"No, it's ok. I'd probably just leave them stranded in my house anyway." I say facetiously, dropping a mozzarella stick back into the bag, feeling sick to my stomach.

"I'll see you in a little while, ok?"  
"Tell Paige I love her." I say as we end the call.

When Spencer comes by later she finds me sobbing into our photo album pathetically. She sighs my name and pulls me in for a tight hug, one I don't really feel I deserve, but I accept piteously anyway. I'm not sure I've ever cried this hard, not on Spencer, anyway. "Come on, bitch crazy, I'll help you put this away." She gestures to the bags she'd just brought in. A fresh wave of tears erupts violently and unexpectedly from me when I pull out a pack of coconut cupcakes. I shove them into Spencer's chest; she looks shocked and a little startled at my reaction. "They're Paige's." Is all I can manage to cry at her before I turn back to the bags.

"Emily," Spencer's eyes are owl wide as she takes in me frantically shoving food into cupboards without much thought. I'm not sure if she's more concerned about the lack of organisation in my tin cupboard, or the fact that I'm on the verge of a breakdown over some cupcakes. She grabs my wrists to stop me from jamming bread into an already over stuffed cupboard. I crumble into her chest again, almost knocking her slight frame off balance. "Please, calm down. Em, Paige loves you, more than anything," I believe her, but the things you love the most cause the most pain, "I know how difficult this must be for you, you're just going through a rough patch, you'll come out the other side shiny and new." She smiles softly, encouragingly.

"I don't want to be shiny and new. I want to be how we were before." I huff petulantly. "I don't know how to make this up to her." I shake my head.

She rolls her eyes furtively, "I think you do, Emily."

"Sex isn't going to fix this." I argue catching her drift, slightly annoyed at her for trivialising this issue when we both know what the real issue is, we skirt around it for a while and Spencer stays silent. After a while I guess she decides to try to lighten the mood.

"You know, Em, if you're not ready for kids you could always get her a puppy. Spud is so much hard work Toby is definitely thinking twice."

**Sooooorrrrry I went totally MIA...Sorry this chapter is like months late and a bit short and a bit shit... But yeah ok. Sorry. I'm trying to get back into this. I have a one shot I want to post that may or may not stay as a one shot, I'm thinking I'll post that at some point, maybe tomorrow. Anyway, yeah, thanks to anyone still sticking with this story! **


	22. Chapter 22

Naturally I do what any married woman does on a Saturday morning after a fight with her wife.

I go buy a puppy.

Not to say I was entering into this lightly. I'd considered cost, breed, housing, everything. Admittedly it was crying over a litre and a half of ice cream, so probably not the best agreement I've ever entered into. When I check my emails I see I'd agreed to view/buy a puppy this morning. I'd agreed to meet a breeder who was about forty minutes from home, she claimed to have three litters of Australian Shepherds. I don't back out, maybe this is what we need. Something new and fresh, another level to our relationship, but nothing crazy, like half a step. I'm trying to tell Paige that I want this. That I'm committing to something and that having a child isn't outside the realm of possibility, just I'm doing so through action. They always say actions speak louder than words. Only I suspect the volume in this case will be from a dog barking as it settles into it's new home.

I pull up onto a farm. It had taken me a good ten minutes on rough terrain to even get to the property through the surrounding fields. I'd vomited before I'd even left the house and my head was aching. I felt like I had a hangover from all the crying I'd done, so my eyes were red and puffy and my head was pounding like someone was mining for coal in my frontal lobe. Meaning I'd had to wear large sunglasses to cover my red rimmed eyes and one of Paige's beanie hats to try to control my hair, which I couldn't have even attempted to deal with. I'd also pulled on Paige's Stanford hoodie that smelled like her because I might have plucked it from the washing basket… But it was necessary, after struggling with pulling on skinny jeans anything other than a comfy hoodie just wasn't going to happen. I take a deep breath and unbuckle, grabbing a bottle of water, still feeling a little queasy and walking up to the porch. There are a few horses in an adjoining field and I can already hear dogs barking. I raise my hand to knock, but just before my knuckles rap on the greying wood door a voice calls out to me. I spin my head round too fast and knock myself off balance. I grab the porch railing to steady myself and clutch at my head, my brain seems to be taking a moment to adjust to my new centre of gravity as it's still rattling about in my skull.

"You must be here about the dog. McCullers?"

"Yes." I say, finding the voice belongs to a plump woman with wiry salt and pepper hair, striding towards me on the porch.

"They're out back. Follow me." She says, giving a vague wave over her shoulder.

The sight that greets me when we venture round onto the back porch is essentially the cutest thing I have ever seen in all my entire life. It's up there with Paige's adorable pouty frowny face. In two small pens there are at least twelve puppies in all different colours, each one fluffier than the last.

"Get yourself in and choose one. Pen on the right is dogs, one on the left is bitches." The woman says, she's smiling, but her voice sounds like she's been chewing gravel for the past 30 years. I don't hang about and climb over the barrier and crouch down. There's a moment in which I feel the puppies have claimed me as one of their own and I don't think I'm unhappy about it. I clamber over into the next pen like I'm assessing all their puppy character traits and feel a little guilty for discounting ones that seems less interested and the ones that seem too yappy or hyper and ones that look a little small. "Are you after a dog or a bitch?" The woman asks, I turn to look at her having forgotten she was even there. I notice she's lit up a cigarette, which would explain her rough voice.

"I hadn't really thought about it." I say, suddenly feeling like I haven't put enough thought into this.

"People says they have their pros and cons, but there's no real evidence. It's all down to the dog and their owner." She says, like she's making my decisions easier. I decide to just choose a puppy instead, regardless of gender. I step out of the pen and take a look. One seems to stand out as it sits in the centre of its pen and stares at me, head tilted adorably to the side as if trying to suss me out. It's uncanny how much it reminds me of Paige. I know right then, without bothering to look at the other dogs more closely, that this is my dog. Our dog. I hop over the barrier and his tongue drops out the corner of his mouth, tail wagging, but he remains sitting. I pat my thighs enthusiastically and call out to him; naturally all the other dogs run at me, too. But he runs over, tongue wagging in the air, barging past the other dogs and up to put his front paws against my knee. He's mostly white with both grey and tan patches scattered over his eyes and body.

"Hey there, cutie." I pick him up and hold him in front of me as his tail continues to wag and his tongue licks at the air. "You're just adorable, aren't you?" I coo, much like I would do with Luca. I cuddle him to my chest and he beings to lick at my face; I can already feel my headache lifting. "This one." I confirm, turning to the woman behind me who puts out her cigarette on the arm of a wooden bench and smiles with dollar signs in her eyes.

Admittedly I was a little bit unprepared for the event of actually buying a dog. So my first port of call, before home, is to the nearest pet store to buy literally everything. It costs more than I'd expected. I talk to specialists while I'm there and they help me pick out the best food and talk to me about vets and vaccinations, toys and treats. I come out feeling very informed, even if a bit panicked and a little bit more than overwhelmed. The first thing I need to do when I get home is get pet insurance and put down a training mat. Then maybe tell my wife I bought her a dog in hopes of saving our relationship.

I contemplate how to tell her. But in this light it seems _fucking crazy_, as if I didn't seem crazy enough these days. I can hardly just call her up at my best friends house and say 'Hi, sorry I did that thing (those things, there's definitely been a plethora of thing), please come home soon. I bought a dog. Love you, bye.'

Paige hadn't even been gone for twenty-four hours.

She'd left me unattended and I'd got drunk on ice cream and salty tears and bought a dog. The rational part of my brain begins to spiral and tell me I need to take the dog back, that this is completely insane, that we hadn't even talked about getting a dog at all. And yet here I am, snuggled up on the sofa with a puppy.

"I bought a dog." I blurt, because I need to tell someone, to have someone validate my actions so I can stop trying to decide if I've skipped over crazy and gone straight to Radley.

"Emily?" Aria asks, tiredly. "What time is it?"

"Just after nine." I say, surprised she'd slept in so late and that I've obviously woken her up.

"Are you ok? Why are you calling so early?" Concern begins to edge into her tone.

"I couldn't really sleep. So I got up at six and bought a dog."

There's silence for a minute, as if her sleep addled brain is trying to make sense of what I've just said in the most deadpan tone.

"You… wait, what?" I hear her getting up. "Shh, no, everything's fine. Emily is having a crisis." I hear Aria tell Ezra.

"I'm not having a crisis." I defend myself indignantly, although that does seem like a good way to describe this.

"Where's Paige?"

"We had a fight. She's staying at Spencer's."

"Oh, Em." I can just see her smiling sadly at me, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's not a lot to say, I lost my shit yesterday and left her in the parking lot at Whole Foods."

There's another pause, maybe I should have called later so she could process what I'm saying quicker. At the minute it's like one of those interviews on the news where there's the delay between the interviewer asking the question and the interviewee answering from somewhere else in the world. "What?"

"Someone made a comment about my driving and I just saw red, ok?"

"Hold on. Someone? As in not even Paige?"

"Yes as in not Paige." I roll my eyes at having to explain this, "But she just laughed when this punk little kid was trying to tell me how to drive and it just sort of spiralled from there…" I admit, kind of beginning to understand how everyone seems confused by that, because to a rational person that makes no sense whatsoever.

"Right…" She takes a deep breath. "So, where does a dog enter into all of this?"

I start to pace, "I love her." This seems a good place to start, "I know she's upset with me because I'm acting like I need to be in Radley, but I do love her. We're just having a tough time and I want to show her that I do want kids, I just don't… want kids."

"You're not making sense. Take a breath."

"Paige wants kids."

"Yes."

"And I…"

"Want kids, too. But you're frightened."

"Yes. But I just don't feel ready yet."

"That's understandable."

"So, I bought a dog."

"Ok... No, sorry, I'm still missing the connection here. Is there a part of this story wherein Paige wants a dog and you've upset her, so you've bought her a dog?"

"No. Paige doesn't want a dog." Hasn't she been listening?

"Emily, this is absolutely ridiculous. You've been spending too much time with Hanna. _Why_ did you buy a dog?"

"Because I want to show her that I do want to move our relationship onto the next level, but not like _kids_. You know? I'm trying to ease into it."

"Right… That sentence was _almost _rational."

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

"I think for a minute there you might have let your hormones get the best of you…"

"Aria,"

"You're a little bit crazy. But, crazy in love with your wife, which is really sweet. Tell me more about this dog." She says, her tone lighter.

I start to gush about how adorable he is and she laughs lightly at me before saying she has to go and leaves me to my own devices again.

I call Spencer's landline. I don't expect either girl would pick up if I called their mobiles, so I opt for a surprise attack instead.

"Hello?" Toby says when he answers the phone and my heart drops a little, but I'm also thankful, because I know he won't hang up on me.

"Hi, Toby." I don't know what he knows and it unnerves me a little. "Is Pay there? Or Spencer?"

"Em, you've just missed them, they've just gone for a run."

"Oh." I sigh. "Right."

"It's going to be ok, Em." He says kindly. "You know Paige loves you."

"I know." I admit, because I do know that, which only makes this whole thing worse, because how can I act the way I do, knowing what I know?

"She's just…"

"Mad?"

"Confused." He corrects. "And I'd be lying if I said she wasn't upset. But she isn't mad."

"Thanks, Toby." I say. "Can you tell her I called? Or ask one of them to call me back, please?"

"Yeah, sure thing." There's that pity in his voice that seems to be everyone's go to tone when they talk to me lately. I hang up and find my new friend staring up at me, head dropped to the side, curiously.

"Ok, puppy. We need to not fuck this up with mama, ok?" I pick him up and he squirms enthusiastically. "Ok, you can sit up on the sofa, but only for a little while!" I say, lying down with him on my chest, he twirls in circles for a moment before plonking himself down lazily on my chest. His little mouth opening in the softest of yawns, an uninhibited squeak leaving his mouth on realising how tired he is. I already know Paige is going to love him, regardless of whether she wanted a dog or not.

**Super fast update! Really enjoyed writing this chapter, I feel like I'm always writing Emily while she's having a breakdown and doing something crazy.. Never mind! Hope you all enjoyed! Thanks for the great response to the last chapter despite my HUGE absence! Thanks for sticking with this story!**


	23. Chapter 23

"Ok. Spill." Hanna demands, dropping herself down onto my sofa, Luca clambering up onto my lap. "Whose dog are you looking after?" She asks, casting a confused glance to the dog bed and toys now littering the living room.

"Erm… Mine…"

"You don't have a dog." She gives me a confused look like she really questions my sanity. "Emily. _You didn't_."

"I might have." I grin shyly and as if to confirm he comes toddling in from the kitchen, falling clumsily over his own paws. I pick him up and introduce him to Luca and smile guiltily at my blonde friend who starts muttering under her breath and drawing a hand over her face.

"Puppy!" Luca says excitedly as he licks at her little toddler hands.

"Yeah, that's right! You've got to be extra carful and gentle with him because he's just a baby." I say and Luca gets very serious, nods obediently and strokes him softly. Hanna raises a brow at me.

"You've cracked. Spencer told me you and Paige had fallen out but she didn't mention a dog!"

"She doesn't know…"

"_Emily_,"

"It just sort of happened!" I say, holding my hands up in defence. She stands, casting a glance to the puppy and a smile slips onto her lips that she quickly shakes off, wanting to be annoyed at me for a little bit. She insists she's going to make us coffee and then I'm going to tell her _everything _that happened. When she returns the stench of the coffee she thrusts under my nose makes my stomach do flips and in mere seconds I find myself fighting back the lump in my throat as she stands there impatiently waiting for me to take the cup. I dodge her and dart to the bathroom, effectively purging everything I'd eaten that morning and probably the gallon of ice cream I'd eaten last night.

"Jesus, Emily." Hanna says, leaning against the doorframe, making no attempt to comfort me. "Are you getting sick?"

"I don't know, Han. What do you think?" I ask sarcastically, but I can't keep up glaring at her because I'm vomiting again in seconds. Once Han has helped me up and wiped the sweat from my brow and brushed my hair back into place she leads me gently back into the living room, where she deposits me on the sofa with her daughter and my dog. She replaces the coffee with herbal tea and grabs her bag.

"I'm just popping out for five minutes. Are you ok to watch Luca for me?" She asks already heading towards the door.

"Yeah, sure." I reply absently, feeling better, even if a little queasy. "Where are you g-" I begin to ask, but she's already thrown a rushed 'thanks' over her shoulder and closed the door behind her.

* * *

When she returns she finds the three of us cuddled up on the sofa, wrapped in a soft blanket watching a Disney movie. "Here," She says throwing a paper bag at my chest. I adjust the two babies and place the still unnamed puppy on the floor and Luca beside me. I'd decided that given this was Paige's surprise, she should get to name the puppy, so until she sees him, he'll just be called 'puppy' or any other non-name until then.

"Do I get presents, too?" Luca asks brightly, staring hopefully at her mom.

"Of course." She says, handing Luca a bag, too, while she holds another.

"Emily," She says, just as I'm about to open it. "Shall we go make a cup of tea?" I understand this as the universal sign that she wants me away from her daughter before we have this conversation. "Do you want some juice?" Hanna asks and Luca nods, digging into a small bag of sweets, back to watching the movie. I lead Han through into the kitchen and prop the door open so that we can watch what's happening in the living room while we're there. I drop the bag on the counter and knock the kettle on, grabbing out one of Luca's plastic cups to make her some juice. Puppy comes trotting in and jumps up and down at my legs until I pick him up.

"Em," When I turn Han nods her head towards the paper bag.

"What is it?" She doesn't respond, only opens her own bag and pulls out a couple of tubs of ice cream. I feel her eyes on me as, much to puppy's protests, I place him on the floor and begin to open the bag and thrust my hand inside, pulling out a box. "Han," I look at her sadly, holding the pregnancy test in my hand. I drop my head to the side and give her a serious are-you-fucking-kidding glare. I twirl it around in my hand, "I'm not sure if you skipped sex-ed, but you're aware that I can't get pregnant from having sex with Paige, aren't you?" I say glibly.

She clucks her tongue at me and shakes her head looking frustrated. "You don't say?" She quips, "Listen, Em... Paige told me." I drop the box back on top of the bag making it crunch and crinkle as the kettle boils. High-pitched voices singing drift in from the living room and fill in the gaps in the air so it's thick and sticky with noise.

"Told you what?" I ask, turning from her and setting about making drinks for us, relishing in the noise the boiling water makes as I pour it into our cups.

"That you guys tried again. She told me everything. I understand why you didn't say anything, it must be really difficult having to answer questions about it." She says, "Don't be mad at her, I kind of forced her to tell me, after that dinner at Spencer's, I called her the next day and she told me how you were sick."

"Well if she's so into sharing, I'm sure she told you I got my period then?"

"Oh, don't be so naïve, Emily." She shoves me, pouring juice into a cup for Luca, "It's actually very common to have some kind of blood secretion when you're pregnant." I don't believe what she's saying.

"You're being…" I don't know where to begin; it's actually on the verge of insensitive, even for Hanna, to buy me a pregnancy test knowing I've failed to get pregnant several times before.

"I wouldn't be saying any of this if I didn't think there was a chance, Emily. But you can't deny your moods have been crazy and I know a thing or two about morning sickness to know it when I see it." She shrugs.

"I'm not taking that." I say, pushing a cup of tea into her waiting hands. "I just bought a dog." I say and I'm not entirely sure why. I choose not to entertain the thought that maybe I'm saying it because part of me is curious about what she's saying. That maybe a little bit of me thinks she might be right, because I'd avoided thinking about my being sick as anything other than due to stress. Also I refuse to think on the fact that I've just bought a dog when she might be right.

"Ok." She looks at me sympathetically and takes her tea and Luca's juice back into the living room, leaving me frozen in the kitchen as the newest member of my family jumps up at my legs, begging me for attention.

* * *

"I'm going to eat with Spencer and Toby and then I'll come home, ok? I should be home around eight."

"Ok." I sigh.

"Are you ok, baby?" Paige asks softly. I imagine her lying on the bed in Spencer's guest room staring up at the ceiling as we talk for the first time in two days.

"Yeah, just tired. I don't sleep well when you're not here." I admit and it sounds strangely akin to a conversation we might have had during college, because the distance between us feels about the same. I mean, it's mostly true, I haven't slept well because she wasn't there to hold me or for me to hold, but also because Hanna's words have been replying over and over in my head since her visit yesterday. I'd hidden the test in the bathroom, not wanting to have to look at it. "I miss you. I'm really sorry." I say sincerely.

"I miss you, too. Can we talk properly when I get home? I really think we're long overdue a chat about all this." She says and it sounds like the beginning of the end.

"Yes, I agree."

"You sound like my dad. 'In light of current events' 'as a result of'," She chuckles, "Stop worrying. It's just us, Em. We've got this." She assures, but I struggle to believe her as much as I'd love to. "I love you," She sings sweetly, dragging it out.

"I love you more." I reply, somehow those words from her always make a smile appear on my face, it's like magic.

"Hm, debatable." She jokes.

"Ok. Some days I love you, some days I want to put you under the patio." I smile into the phone at the sound of her laughter, tinny through the speaker into my ear like she's right there.

"Ok, Spencer is shouting, so I have to go. I'll see you later, ok?" She says in that adorable excited voice.

"Why do I feel like we've been transported back to us being seventeen? Jeez, you'll come home and my mom will probably be here to tell me to leave the door open every ten minutes." She laughs, it's a welcome change to be back to having a casual banter with her, after all the fighting we've done lately.

* * *

**Sorry for the wait! I know this chapter is a little shorter, but it just made sense to end it there. I hope you all liked it! Thanks to everyone still reading and reviewing this story! I really really do appreciate it and I can't explain how lovely it is to see all your comments! Thanks, guys, hope you enjoy and have a very merry Christmas! xx**


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